I’ve noticed a strong pattern in the lives of a lot of guys who I’ve been talking to lately who have had issues with self-confidence, especially around women: the combination of a dominant, controlling mother and a passive father. It’s the disastrous duo for a boy’s confidence growing into a man.

, The Disastrous Duo: Controlling Mother, Passive Father

Controlling mothers tend to attract passive fathers

One of the unfortunate realities of life is that controlling women tend to attract passive men. So if you have a controlling mother, you’re likely to also have ended up with a passive father as your primary male role model.

Controlling women attempt to dominate the men in their lives in order to assuage their own inner anxiety about the unpredictable nature of life and their lack of trust in healthy masculine power.

Confident, powerful men don’t put up with this sort of behaviour: they assert themselves and if necessary walk away knowing that there are plenty of other fish in the sea. So controlling women tend to end up left with passive men who are willing to be pushed around because they don’t know how to stand up for themselves.

Unfortunately that means that if you had a controlling mother, you probably also had a passive father, which is a double-blow to your developing masculinity.

I remember as a child witnessing the frustration that my passive father experienced at the hands of my critical mother. Any time he stepped out of line, she would criticise him mercilessly. He was unwilling or unable to deal with her verbal attacks effectively so he would seethe internally with resentment until he exploded with rage. Oscillating between passive resentment and explosive rage is not a powerful way for a man to relate to other people, and makes for a very disempowered role model for his children.

If you don’t break the cycle, you end up repeating it: boys who have grown into passive men at the hands of the disastrous duo are likely to go on to attract another controlling woman into their life, and so the problem gets handed down to the next generation again.

The only way to break the cycle is to develop the confidence to learn to stand up for yourself. Just because your father was passive in the face of an onslaught from a controlling woman is no excuse for you continuing to behave as if you are powerless. You can learn better communication skills than your parents had, you can develop a deeper sense of inner confidence than your father had, and you can learn to stand up for yourself whenever any person tries to exercise control over you.

One of the ironies of the controlling-woman/passive-man dynamic is that the woman’s anxiety will remain high for as long as she can sense that the man she is with is unable to effectively protect her. Underneath the forceful exterior, a controlling person feels anxious whenever the environment around them feels out of their control. Dominating others is a strategy they use to manage their own inner anxiety so that they feel safe.

A controlling woman is subconsciously testing a man by trying to control him; and every time he collapses and submits to her dominance, he fails the test thus perpetuating her anxiety.

When a passive man learns to step up and assert himself, the woman starts to see that he is in fact able to protect her. If he can stand up to her, perhaps he can stand up to other people too. This lessens her sense of anxiety allowing her to let go of the need to control him all the time. The more he steps up, the more able she is to relax.

Deep down, controlling women actually want men to assert their masculinity and stand up to them, so that they can feel secure. However since this all happens unconsciously, they will rarely admit their frightening vulnerability. They may not even be aware of the dynamic. It seems counter-intuitive, but the way to calm a controlling person is the assert yourself and do what feels right rather than what they may appear to be demanding.

If you’re a passive man in a relationship with a controlling woman, the way to break this unhealthy dynamic is to learn to stand up for yourself. The relationship will either blossom under this change or self-destruct, but either way you’ll learn to stop being treated like a doormat. If you simply leave the relationship and go in search of a woman who won’t try to control you without dealing with your inner insecurity, you’re likely to subconsciously attract another controlling woman anyway. They can spot a weak-willed man a mile away, and will gravitate towards you without you even knowing it.

The external world is a reflection of what’s going on inside your subconscious. If you want your world to change, look at what is going on inside you. Learn to stand up for yourself and do what feels right to you. Don’t keep listening to the latent voice of your controlling mother inside your head. Learn from your past mistakes and break the cycle of passivity. Women will sense your deeper inner security and you’ll notice controlling women taking up less of your time and energy.

This is a very rewarding road to travel, but also extremely challenging to do on your own. If you relate to what I’ve said here and could use some support in building your assertiveness around controlling women (and men), contact me about coaching.

Build your self-confidence faster with The Confident Man Program


Graham Stoney

I struggled for years with low self-esteem, anxiety and a lack of self-confidence before finding a solution that really worked. I created The Confident Man Program to help other men live the life of their dreams. I also offer 1-on-1 coaching via Skype so if you related to this article contact me about coaching.

88 Comments

TJ · February 27, 2023 at 3:58 pm

Don’t bother arguing with controlling women, don’t debate, don’t backdown, don’t shout, don’t chat, Just Walk Away. Adios. There are only degrees of losing with these women, the only way to win is dissappear, Sayonara.

    Bdawg · March 19, 2023 at 10:49 am

    My mom and my sisters are this way, and I’ve tried to talk to them about things and they turn everything on me. I finally got my own place at the age of 23 and they keep nagging me to come see it but something’s telling me to just stay away. I love them, but should I just keep my distance? They make me feel bad for not talking to them as much.

      TJ · April 13, 2023 at 2:18 am

      If you want to meet them, meet them somewhere public like a restaurant. If you go to their home you’re more trapped, if at yours you can’t kick them out if they start crap. In public you can walk away easier and they are more likely to be on better behaviour due to keeping up an act of decency in front of others. I’ve even been ditched in restaurants and had to cancel meals or pay for them even though nobody is there to eat them. If you have a gf I don’t introduce them because they swap numbers or social media and before you know it they are trying to organise your life through the gf, or they find out if you had a disagreement with your woman and use it against you. Decide what is best for you but I keep my life private, sometimes see relatives. Some are cool, some I see very rarely and keep my business mine despite their probing. I even changed my locks. So yeah, up to you, but people who have abused you in the past will often try being nice to lure you back into the cycle of abuse. Read about narcissism and flying monkeys, love bombing, hoovering… all pretty common traits and techniques with argumentative abusive people.

Steve · August 21, 2022 at 10:00 pm

It’s simple.

Divide society by the gender roles, as was traditionally done for thousands of years. Power and responsibility to men, and protection to women.

Rhys Jaggar · January 1, 2022 at 4:29 am

Well, I had a controlling father and a passive mother, but a controlling sister. I had all kinds of self-confidence issues too – I literally received one piece of encouragement and one piece of praise in 33 years from my mother. I had my entire first 17 years of my life planned out by a father who wanted to relive his life through his son. Even moving away and proving I could be happy and successful didn’t change reality in the family’s presence, who were like a narcotic that you had given up several times but still came back for more attempts at dealing.

One of the outcomes of such an upbringing is that tough love achieves absolutely nothing whatsoever, whereas calm, gentle encouragement can achieve a great deal. It’s taught me that if you want to use tough love at some stage on your children, you have to have built up an emotional bank account first using encouragement, praise and reward.

    Graham Stoney · January 1, 2022 at 8:25 am

    I totally hear you about the importance of loving encouragement. Spot on.

Chiara · July 26, 2021 at 9:29 pm

My father is emotionally unavailable, incredibly (!) childish, unable to take decisions, or to have an own opinion, submissive, passive, weak…
He refuses to work, leaving all responsibilities to my mother. Now he enjoys life workfree. She controls and commands my father what to do, because he won’t do anything unless someone tells him so (just like a child). He doesn’t love me like a daughter, I’m just some fellow human who happens to live in the same house. He got no emotional attachments to me. All my life I was wondering why I am so anxious and insecure all the time. My female friends with secure and available dads had so much more confidence in life.

My mother keeps excusing him: “That’s just MEN ! Believe me, they are aaaall like this haha”. I wish to tell her: “No. No they aren’t.” My mom often shouts on him, she’s the boss in the house, she’s the engine, the decision maker, the dominant one. And my dad easily submits to it like a helpless powerless child.

(Part 2 coming)

    Chiara · July 26, 2021 at 9:40 pm

    (Part 2)

    Becoming aware of the dynamics helped me to understand myself better and improve. But it still hurts. I crave for healthy family dynamics. I crave for a “strong” and loving dad who got an opinion and can advice me on life. It would give me so much sense of security and protection in life. It would ease my insecurities. It feels lonely and intimidating to be in this big world on your own without the guidance of a stable father. I had to understand that my father will never be like this. Dads provide their daughters with a sense for their self-worth and I had to stop waiting unconsciously for him to do this. I had to re-parent myself.
    Children with funcional families got a real advantage. But better realizing my disadvantage now than never.

      Graham Stoney · July 27, 2021 at 6:24 am

      I hear you Chiara; having a passive father is a disaster for a girl’s sense of self-confidence too, and the messages your mother keeps giving you about men are a real mind-fuck. As you say, the solution is to learn to re-parent ourselves and I’m glad you’ve realised your disadvantage so you can do this. Good job! Cheers, Graham

Feather93 · April 16, 2021 at 1:04 am

I am woman who grew up in this dynamic. I grew up with a mean, manipulative mother. My father was a milquetoast when it came to her. Instead he would take his frustrations out on me. He and my mother are cousins, and he was 15 years older than her. When he was 35 years old, he finally got out from under his mother’s wing and went on a long vacation back to the “old country” in Europe to the village where his mother came from. While there he met and impregnated my mother, his 2nd cousin. I doubt he knew what he was really getting. He deserved her.

The situation was hardest on me and my sister, as far as damaging our confidence, security, and mental health. My brother actually came out okay. He is an assertive, confident, financially successful guy–but he is married to a very mentally weak woman that he controls. He is actually a real jerk. He took after our mother as he was her golden child. I guess in my brother’s mind there are only 2 options when it comes to relationships; control or be controlled. Of the two role models he had to choose from, he picked our mother. It’s sad that he never had a strong father to teach him how to be a good man.

Ben · January 28, 2021 at 4:05 pm

My experience has been very similar with an angry, aggressive and controlling mother and a father that makes his life revolve around trying to keep the peace at all costs. I see my father as a ghost of a man when he’s around her. He has no real opinions, like/dislikes or sense of self and he completely bends his personality to fit hers. If he ever shows the slightest sign of being unhappy around her she loses it on him and manipulates, gaslights etc. I have always noticed it was unfair and was confused by it. I’m 18 now and I am finally seeing how it has effected me and my relationships.

    Ben · January 28, 2021 at 4:06 pm

    I am pretty confident and well liked at school and parties and have no problem being assertive with friends and peers. But when it comes to girls I like and have been with I’m beyond fucked up. Even though I’m popular and good looking I have always seen every pretty girl as above me and felt I had no right approaching them. This is how my father sees my mom and I think I copied the mentality perfectly. Once I find a girl attractive and we establish we like each other I subconsciously develop the mentality that there is nothing she could do that would make me upset or leave her. If she is unfaithful, doesn’t put effort in, etc, it must just be because I’m not good enough. Of course this has led to me being used then dumped by the few girls I’ve been with and I desperately want to change. In your experience is there anyway I can truly change inside? Or is my parents fucked up relationship just too deeply imbedded inside my mind?

      Graham Stoney · February 12, 2021 at 7:40 am

      Great question Ben! It sounds like you’ve picked up some unconscious programming from being around your father’s behaviour and the women you’re attracting are playing into that. I do believe we can truly change inside by not putting women on a pedestal, changing our thinking so we become the prize, changing our behaviour to match, not putting up with bullshit behaviour, and learning to manage our own internal anxiety when we violate the rules our parents taught us when we were young. It’s awesome that you’ve recognised the problem at such a young age whereas many men never even spot it. Keep standing up to the women in your life who treat you the way your mother treated your father and over time you’ll rewrite the negative programming. Cheers, Graham

    Patbona · April 5, 2021 at 2:41 am

    Same here.

    Suffocating mother and grandmother that need to feed their ego (Italian so huge) and assuage their insecurities, and a weak cowardly father… an Italian man perpetuating a long tradition of weak, cowardly men that pervades Italian society.

    My mother has no boundaries, thinks she know everything when in fact she a functional illiterate with little knowledge feeding on control and conflict. Now that I am with her as a caretaker it is even worse, I just hope she dies soon. For instance, I must work from home on my laptop, and she cannot get it through her head I am not playing all day, so it is conflict after conflict, with my not so smart family (my uncle, a yes man that obeys everything his sister). I know it will end-up with me slapping his face…

    For her simple mind everything she does not understand is “playing”. She represents the worst stereotype of the Italian mamma. I wish my father had married a German woman instead

    Justin · May 11, 2021 at 7:43 pm

    I have a doubt. In the above article it is said that the sub-conscious mind of a controlling woman want her man to stand up for her .And if the man can do that the anxiety level decreases .
    I’m Ok with that.
    But then the question is why that woman is attracted to a passive guy instead of a dominating guy (who will surely stand up for him )?

      Graham Stoney · May 11, 2021 at 8:28 pm

      Great question Justin! Every situation is different, but generally controlling women are drawn to passive guys because they don’t threaten her. It’s not really what she needs to heal though; for that she needs a guy she can trust to learn to let go of control and stop acting like a poorly socialised 4 year old. She’ll end up in too much conflict with overly dominating guys, while guys with good self esteem will walk away from a controlling woman if she doesn’t grow out of it quickly. Both men and women tend to be attracted to what’s familiar rather than what’s good for us when we have unhealed childhood trauma running our nervous systems. Cheers, Graham

Silas · March 3, 2020 at 1:26 am

I’m about to turn 21 and I have recently realised how weak my dad was, and how it has badly affected me. My dad would have home from work, lay on his bed and scroll through his phone, even on his days off does the same thing, while my mum is taking control of the whole family whiles doing the domestic chores, I picked up on the same traits and it has massively affected my confidence, I don’t feel ready for the real world because I lack the basic survival skills to live, when I was young I thought he was being nice and quiet but I later grew up to resent him, I wish he was a lot tougher, now I’m self aware I will try and get some mentorship.

    Graham Stoney · March 4, 2020 at 8:24 pm

    I hear you Silas. Having a “nice and quiet” dad can seem good, but we end up resenting them for not standing up for themselves, nor teaching us to do the same. Finding a mentor to fill in the gaps that our dad didn’t is a great idea. Cheers, Graham

    Antonio · April 6, 2020 at 8:00 pm

    Exactly how i feel right now

Graham Stoney · February 12, 2020 at 9:33 am

I hear where you’re coming from as far as ignoring the wisdom of our ancestors Max. While I would agree that atheism can cause society to ignore the wisdom in religious and spiritual traditions, it has also allowed many people to escape the inevitable baggage that came along with it in the form of religious oppression.

I think the problem as far as men and women go is that we’ve lost respect for the biological differences between the sexes and no longer values each gender’s relative strengths. Feminism has taught women that acting like men will make them happy, while completely ignoring the fact that most men still lead lives of quiet desperation. Meanwhile, men have been taught to act more like women despite the fact that this leaves us feeling disempowered. Unhealed trauma in both sexes stops us acting in accord with our biological drives, leading to misery and dysfunction on a massive scale.

I believe the solution is for individuals of both genders to heal their emotional wounding so we can all return to acting confidently in the way that nature intended.

Max · February 11, 2020 at 10:09 am

1/2
I grew up in such a home, with a devouring, controlling, abusive mother, and a weak, passive father. It is destructive to your personality beyond words, and takes many years to just realize what you’ve been through, and perhaps a life-time to recover from. It destroys your confidence and social skills, and your ability to maintain healthy relationships. So I relate to most of what was written here, including in the comments, and won’t repeat all of that. I’ll add, that in my opinion, this problem, of a devouring mother – weak father, is spreading in our society like cancer, destroying families and the fabric of society itself, for several generations now, and if I have to pin point when it all started, it would be two major events that happened during the 19th and 20th centuries:
1. Abandoning God / Atheism
2. The rise of Feminism

    Max · February 11, 2020 at 10:10 am

    2.
    Pay attention, I don’t believe in the Bible, and I’m not religious, but I trust the ancient wisdom of the Hebrews (not the Jews, which is a later form of these people), and I read the Hebrew Torah (the first five books in your Bible). In Genesis, God puts the woman under the authority of the man. I think the wisdom of that act is unfolding in front of our eyes in today’s society, where men lost their authority over women, and their ability to express manhood in general, and where women become more and more rebellious towards their nature, seeking to rebel their traditional part in the family, and this combination brings to the destruction of families in the “civilized world” today.

      Max · February 11, 2020 at 10:12 am

      Devouring mothers and weak, passive father, was less common in, traditional families. It was a social construct that the man is, and should be, in charge of his family, and that the wife is and should be obedient. Like it or not, it worked, because even the weak and passive men by their nature, felt obligated, by social pressure, to be strong and in charge. Since men in their nature tend to be less emotional than women, when men were in charge, it usually brought stability in families.

        Max · February 11, 2020 at 10:13 am

        I believe that by abandoning the long-lasting traditional roles of men and women in our society, we brought upon ourselves chaos, that destroys families. I believe that the devouring mother and weak father are one symptom of that root problem, but there are other symptoms as well, such as high rates of divorce, pornography, single-mothers, narcissism, and more. I hate to see our society today leaning towards self destruction, simply because we abandoned old wisdoms, thinking we know better than all the generations who lived before us. I think we will pay a heavy price for our arrogance, and that more people will suffer. I just hope that at some point we will realize what we did, and turn back to our roots, to ancient wisdom, and remember God. God is not Christianity, god is not Judaism, nor Islam. God is what we see as divine, above us, to remember we are not Gods, and know very little, and be humble, and maybe that will encourage us all to respect each other better. A woman should respect her husband, by remembering her traditional role in the family, and a husband should do the same. If it was up to me, I would much rather have a traditional mother and father, rather than a disrespectful mother, both to her husband and to her children, and a father who doesn’t know how to be the man at home. I’m afraid we as a society will have to learn the hard way, but perhaps it is the best way as well.

          Max · February 11, 2020 at 10:19 am

          *the best way to learn, that is. Good luck to us all.

gilbert · February 6, 2020 at 11:44 am

Working with autistic children, noticed this is the parenting dynamic to a T

Liz Beth · February 5, 2020 at 6:07 am

The bottom line is the creator who created us knows what works best and until we get in touch with what he says works best it won’t work. When you pull the creator out of the picture it becomes a mess, but you also need to get in touch with how the creator meant it to be without twisting it for your own selfish purposes. Jesus was not a passive man by any means. He was perfection of strength plus love as an example for us to follow. There was a reason so many people and manly men were drawn to him, and it was not because he was passive. But yes, trying to do things apart from the one who created us and knows how we function best won’t work.

    Graham Stoney · February 10, 2020 at 9:03 am

    I’ve been there and while that may be your bottom line, but it certainly isn’t mine. I think religion is a refuge that people are strongly drawn to when their infant emotional needs haven’t been met by the relationship with their parents. A relationship with an idealised Jesus becomes a proxy to fill the parental emotional abandonment void. This works to a degree for the religious person, but it’s crazy-making for other family members seeking a meaningful connection because energy is being invested in an imaginary friend instead. Everyone can end up emotionally isolated and using religious devotion as a crutch to compensate. For me, the solution is meaningful connection with other people, not with an imaginary creator or his “son”.

    Max · February 11, 2020 at 10:47 am

    BUT Jesus contradicts God in the Bible, many times, their teachings contradict each other. So you need to make up your mind, if you truly believe in God in the Bible, who do you listen to, Jesus, or God? I’ll explain what I mean:
    Jesus: “JUDGE NOT, that you be not judged.” (Matthew 7:1) – should we all be hypocrites then?
    God: “REBUKE your fellowman and you shall not carry his sin on you.” (Torah, Leviticus 19:17)
    interestingly, Jesus judges the Jews all along the “New Testament”, calling them repeatedly, and ironically, “Hypocrites”.

      A Day · August 12, 2020 at 3:05 am

      Actually, not. Jesus doesn’t contradict God. They are one and the same. Jesus died on the cross to give us the same atonement that was spoken of in the old testament. But we now have a sort of ‘blanket’ atonement (forgiveness) if we follow the ways (believe in) Jesus. Jesus tells us that not one jot or tittle of the old testament is not valid. What seems like contradiction to you may just be an error in interpretation. Jesus defers many times to His Father in heaven throughout the new testament. The old testament is one agreement between man and God, while the new testament is a different agreement with Him. It’s important to keep that context in mind when trying to cipher the meanings contained.

        Graham Stoney · August 13, 2020 at 6:45 pm

        This isn’t the place for a religious discussion; that’s just a way of avoiding the painful core issue here.

        Can we please stick to sharing our experiences of growing up with controlling mothers, passive fathers, and what has helped us recover?

    Max · February 11, 2020 at 10:52 am

    more:
    Jesus: “LOVE your enemies” (Matthew 5:44)
    God: “I will take VENGEANCE on MY ENEMIES and will REPAY those who hate me….” (Torah, Deuteronomy 32:41-42)
    Also God: “When you go to WAR against YOUR ENEMIES and God delivers them into your hands…” (Torah, Deuteronomy 21:10)
    Also God: “Treat the Midianites as ENEMIES and KILL them.” (Torah, Numbers 25:17)
    Also God: “Eye for an Eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise.” (Exodus 21:24-25)
    So as I said above, if you really believe in God, and follow a guy named Jesus, you contradict yourself.
    That is the Christian Paradox.
    The list is much, much longer btw.
    FYI

      Graham Stoney · February 12, 2020 at 9:40 am

      I don’t really want this to turn into a theological debate folks; the purpose of this site is to empower men to be more confident and assertive. For every bible quote, there’s a hundred competing quotes that have kept theologians arguing pointlessly for centuries. There are other sites better suited to that if it’s what you’re after. Let’s stick to healing trauma and building assertiveness and confidence here.

Seb · August 27, 2019 at 1:19 am

My mother is the third daughter of three, and she grew up being told by her father she was the one daughter too many. Today she takes revenge on any man she can. She’s been very successful at it with her own husband (my biological dad, also derided by me and my sister as «his Majesty’s servant»), and I’m next in line, expected to follow orders and see and experience the world exactly the way she does. I’m her only son and I’m onto her by now, though she’s still coming on strong, resorting to gaslighting and calumny to tarnish my reputation. Fortunately I know where I stand (alone, that is).

    Graham Stoney · August 28, 2019 at 10:45 am

    Your mother sounds like a real challenge. I acknowledge you for standing up to her so that you don’t repeat her negative patterns and can experience the world differently!
    Cheers,
    Graham

Claire · August 6, 2019 at 3:09 am

We needed my dad to fulfill the role of father. He let us down.

My mom was very emotionally unstable and unable to nurture us in the way that mothers are traditionally expected to. They both really let my sisters and I down.

Claire · August 6, 2019 at 3:03 am

Graham thanks for this article. I’ve been struggling to understand my feelings towards my parents for a long time. Their dynamic when they were married was toxic and similar to what you describe.

My dad suffered from things that none of us really understand to this day because he cannot communicate his feelings. He reminds me of a child, he can’t look after himself like an adult needs to. My mom took on all the responsibility of parenting my two sisters and I while my dad shrunk into the background of our lives. It was pretty disastrous and made my moms neurosis, temper and emotional issues worse. Their dynamic really messed my sisters and I up. I’m the eldest, I assumed a lot of the responsibility for my two younger sisters; who formed a tight bond with one another. I felt very alone. I often tried to mediate fights between my parents who were always on the verge of divorce. My dad would have stayed with my mom forever, he is a devoted Christian and divorce is a sin, my mom divorced him. Spending time with him causes me so much anxiety and I feel inner anger and resentment just being around him. I wish I could stop feeling this way and just love my parents.

    Graham Stoney · August 15, 2019 at 3:20 pm

    Hi Claire. I’m glad you found the article helpful. Men like the emotionally unavailable father that you describe have failed to really grow up, so it’s no wonder he reminds you of a child. It sounds as though you’re still carrying some of the trauma from your experience of him, and I get that you’d really like to stop feeling this way and just love your parents. I’m wondering if you have an outlet for expressing the inner anger and resentment that you still feel, as unexpressed anger can manifest as anxiety. Cheers, Graham

Gear · July 23, 2019 at 2:28 pm

Ha! This applies to my super weak father and my Iate mother, who took her own life. I don’t even miss her. My sister shares my views.

What I wanted to add/contribute was the weak passive man often accepts a religious viewpoint that reinforces his passivity. It would be funnier if it weren’t tragic. My dad is totally warped by Christianity which others can be subscribed to but not be warped or enabled by. He focuses on the pacifism of Jesus and so much love love love conquers all and he’s so weak and I’ve never seen him Express sexual desire. Anyway we’re actually on vacation with him my sister and I and her husband and we struggle. But we have our own lives now. It’s just been wasted time water under the bridge.

I don’t hate Christianity or religion but I study it critically and I’m reading Caesar’s Messiah now. Powerful. If that’s true it would be so ironic that emperor Titus and co created this new religion as Rome often created new religions so it was practiced, and they created it to pacify and convert the judean nationalist zealots who made a lot of trouble for a long while, so it is ironic when us folk in 2019 fall for the retrojected prophecies and subscribe to the maxims of turn the other cheek, go the extra mile and store up treasures in heaven. It’s ironic they may be worshipping Titus not the son of the creator of the entire universe but I am about freedom and that includes all types

    Graham Stoney · July 25, 2019 at 1:13 pm

    I’m sorry to hear about your mother; that must have been devastating for you. I relate to what you say about weak men and Christianity; If only we were taught to believe in ourselves rather than in a God that doesn’t exist and a saviour we don’t need in an fictional after-life. My own Christian upbringing taught me some seriously counterproductive beliefs and behaviours that undermined my self-confidence and which I’m still working on changing. That said, I don’t think the dominant woman/passive man dynamic is unique to Christian families; but it can be enhanced by the idea that a man should bow down to forces external to himself. Cheers, Graham

Lydia James · April 28, 2019 at 10:32 pm

Weak men create ‘controlling’ women. As they fail to assert not only themselves but also any real authority, the woman must step up and be the man they are not. This is especially obvious when children enter the relationship. The weak man resents the attention he needs from his partner being redirected toward the child/children. He never fully readjusts to the loss, and so begins a pattern of resentment that leaves him on the outer of his new family. The woman, as a result of her partner’s emotional absenteeism from feeling unable to adjust and cope, is forced to be both mother and ‘father’ to the child/children and she too, becomes resentful over time of her weak husband.. The children in time grow to resent, not respect, their father too. Dysfunctional as it is, the man created the situation through his own emotional immaturity. It is not due to a woman feeling anxious about a need for and lack of male protection. Women have come a long way since medieval times. That theory is biased and flawed. Women want equality not protection.

    Graham Stoney · April 29, 2019 at 9:36 am

    I’m wondering what your personal experience of this has been Lydia? I notice that you’ve chosen to write an essay blaming weak men for creating controlling women, and I’m uncomfortable with the lack of female responsibility in what you describe. Perhaps it’s too painful to share how you have been personally impacted so you’ve gone on the offensive instead. I think there is some truth in what you say, but it only tells half the story and in particular doesn’t account for the woman’s responsibility for entering and perpetuating a relationship with a weak man. She’s clearly getting some benefit from it, most likely that she gets to be in control, which merely perpetuates the problem. Ironically you started with what I assume is disgust for weak men who would be incapable of protecting a woman, and ended up saying that women want equality not protection. While this is a trendy point of view these days, it is contradictory to our evolutionary biology. Ultimately, the disastrous duo dynamic is the result of emotional immaturity in both partners, and to just blame men for it suggests to me that you’ve got some healing to do too. Cheers, Graham

      GreenQueen · April 29, 2019 at 11:15 am

      I’m a woman and I have to say I agree more with Graham on this one. We could have the “what came first the chicken or the egg” argument all day. But the disastrous duo dynamic can be very psychologically complicated. It has alot to to with inter-generational patterns and abuse. It has alot to do with control and dominance, and probably personality disorders in both partners. The disastrous duo feeds off of each other. But ultimately, both people are responsible for their behavior and the impact it has on their children.

    Rick · May 17, 2019 at 12:43 am

    *Feminazi alert*

    Jim D · January 18, 2021 at 3:45 pm

    Lydia, I’d recommend that you read “The Rational Male” by Rollo Tomassi, but I’m sure that you’re far too entrenched in your false feminist narratives to accept a single word of it.

      Graham Stoney · January 21, 2021 at 9:12 am

      Thanks for the suggestion Jim; I’ve added it to my reading list.

    Yep · September 26, 2023 at 9:05 pm

    I agree with most of what you’re saying. I must add though, equality is great, but protection is also important, and not just the traditional “head of household” idea of protection. I don’t need a man who’s going to police the boundary of the estate or bring home all the bacon. I don’t need a man to defend my honor or take a bullet for me. I am on board with the idea of a man who is emotionally mature enough and grown up enough to recognize the need women have for emotional protection. Which really isn’t something specific to women, men need this, too. A man can protect the physical being that is his woman all day long, but if he’s harming her emotions, it’s not doing her any good. A great man is one who isn’t afraid to show affection, respects her and encourages her to say no if she’s not into whatever it is, nurtures her individuality and provides small tender interactions that help her see that he sees her and who she is and that she matters to him (a few examples). A man who treats a woman like this will end up with a much stronger relationship with her and she will feel safe with him, because its the heart that is where the fear lives – where all those emotions are. (Keeping in mind, these things must be reciprocated by the partner of course for it to work out for them)

Gretchen · February 9, 2019 at 6:54 am

I am the daughter of a narc controlling mother and enabling passive father. The example also goes to show daughters that we must treat our husbands and boyfriends this way. I am the scapegoat in my FOO, and still scapegoated in adulthood because I know this behavior is dysfunctional and always questioned it. I went no contact last year because of the unrelenting blame and hatred from them all and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Typical of scapegoats, I have empathy and know how to love and have a great marriage. However, my FOO always told me I was the unusual one, and made fun of me. Just saying, young girls are being set up too.

    Graham Stoney · February 9, 2019 at 9:22 am

    I hear you Gretchen. Congratulations on taking your power back by going no-contact. I totally agree that this scenario is as damaging for young girls as young boys. Cheers, Graham

      Ok · June 20, 2019 at 5:09 pm

      Hi Greenqueen,

      Thanks for your comments. In curious – you mentioned below that your mother was mean, manipulative and controlling.

      How did she come across to the outside world? If I were to meet here in person as an outsider for a few hours what would she come across like?
      I ask as I feel I am dealing with a few people in my life like this. Cheers

        Jim D · January 18, 2021 at 3:55 pm

        Ok, can I take a stab at this? They come across as the nicest, most agreeable, kind-hearted people to the outside world. My mother was like this — Mrs. Wonderful in public, but a complete monster as soon as the front door shut. I think controlling women most ALWAYS come across like this. They are highly manipulative by nature, and use their fake “niceness” to build a system of social support in order to make their phony criticisms of their partner appear to be true, while they skate away smelling like a rose. I believe there are many, MANY forms of severe mental illness at work in cases like this.

          Graham Stoney · January 21, 2021 at 9:14 am

          I relate to this Jim. As a child I could never understand why my narcissistic mother seemed so nice to people outside the family, but could be so callous behind closed doors at home.

gustave verdult · August 22, 2018 at 7:16 am

Possessed by the devil, is what different priests named my wife who followed into the footsteps of her dominant mother and her weak father. “All men stink,” were my mother-in-law’s words she often used to put down her husband who was a weak man, trying to keep the peace. My wife’s last words to me before she died young were, “Gus, Dr. Rue has helped me to see that I have hated you all my life.” In my in-law’s family there was the suicide of the youngest boy, another boy grew up to abandon his wife and children, suffering hunger while spending his high earnings working in Saudi Arabia on prostitutes, and still another boy whose neglect to example his father’s authority caused his children to become homosexual. My own wife’s hatred for my authority led to the destruction of my family where 5 of my 6 children have not til;ked to me for 20 to 30 years, It is all the work of the devil folks who wants to destroy all that is holy and pure,

    Graham Stoney · August 22, 2018 at 8:00 pm

    Yep, it’s evil alright. This sort of thing destroys people and their families.

    Kelly · August 4, 2019 at 1:00 pm

    Come on Gustave, no one causes anyone to become gay. What is this, the Stone Age? I’m surprised and disappointed that Graham seems to agree with you, despite his comment above that organized religion is fiction.

      Graham Stoney · August 15, 2019 at 3:13 pm

      Hi Kelly. The bit that I was agreeing with was that the dynamic between controlling women who distrust or even hate men and passive men who can’t or won’t stand up to them is toxic. In Gustave’s case it sounds like there is also considerable family trauma going on. I believe that sexual attraction is an innate trait so nobody can really cause his children “to become homosexual”. That said, the lack of a strong, positive masculine role model can lead to boys growing into men who are out of touch with their masculinity. Sexuality operates on a spectrum and I’m open to the idea that such men who happen to sit around the middle of the sexuality spectrum may find it less threatening to be in relationships with other men like themselves than with women seeking a stereotypically masculine man. Cheers, Graham

Green Queen · June 13, 2018 at 12:11 pm

This article is absolutely true. I’m a woman who grew up with a dominant, critical, manipulative, mean, controlling, abusive mother and a weak-willed milquetoast of a father. She was and is a piece of work. I can’t stand the woman. This combination is hard on girls too. My father would get so frustrated with her. But he didn’t have the moxy to stand up to her, so he would take it out on me occasionally. To be fair, my father had some good qualities. He wasn’t a vigorous, masculine guy, but he tried to do well by her. He worked hard for 35 years, provided her with a beautiful home but it was never enough for her and all she could do was criticize and be unhappy.
She definitely smelled him a mile away and zeroed in on what she knew was weak prey. He fell into that trap because she was just like his mother. He realized the trap he got himself into and had alot of self-hate and was overall a really miserable person.

    Graham Stoney · June 13, 2018 at 3:52 pm

    Thanks for your feedback. I get that this problem affects girls equally much as boys and it sounds like you’ve lived this painful story too. I notice how your father’s own experience of his controlling mother led him to your mother where he repeated the generational cycle. This is a great example of why it’s so important for men in that situation to break the cycle by learning to stand up for themselves. I’m wondering what things you’ve found helpful for breaking free from your mother’s manipulations?

      Green Queen · June 14, 2018 at 11:05 am

      I was always the rebellious one. I would stand up for myself (and often others, including my father even though he didn’t deserve it) and take whatever the consequences were. It made for a miserable until I left at 18. I would always call BS on her lies, nasty behavior, and manipulations, even more so as an adult when she lost all control over me. We had a very, very minimal relationship for about 10 years She didn’t like being challenged and I didn’t like having to constantly do it. It wasn’t a relationship that I thought was worth working on. And now I haven’t seen or talked to her in about 11 years. My brother says shes pretty much the same.

    chrissy · June 18, 2018 at 1:40 am

    you are sadly not alone. the damage it does is apart of everything even through adulthood and leaves you looking back saying what in the world went on, what did I live through? to be quite frank, I wish my parents would have never gotten together and had kids, well really just me– too bad babies cannot chose their families or their fate. trying to explain it to the average person they just don’t get it. all I did was shake my head and say yep as I read your comment. I am grateful atleast someone else out there understands”and though we do not know each other clearly we were born into the same BS,

    peace and love to you “green queen”

      Green Queen · June 18, 2018 at 11:55 am

      Hi Chrissy. Your’re right. It is so hard to find people who can understand and empathize. People who haven’t experienced it themselves don’t get it. Our culture puts mothers on such a high pedestal that saying anything unflattering about your mom will almost always backfire on us. It’s hard to find people to talk about it with. Looking back I’m angry at what I had to live though. Both of my parents, but especially my mother, took a huge toll on my self-esteem and confidence. The belittling, discouragement, and lack of support was really crushing and literally almost killed me. It was worse than the physical abuse. I got off to a late start in life educationally and career wise. Relationships are hard for me. I have major trust issues.
      It’s hard and sad not to have family. My sister is very hooked in with our mother, and she’s so much like her, I can’t have a relationship with her. I don’t really have a relationship with brother, like our dad he is pretty well controlled by her. My father is dead, but when he was alive he was so messed up that he sided with her and defended her. It’s disgusting that one sick person can destroy so much and people let her.

      Anyway, I’m glad you understand. Thanks so much for your kind words. It means a lot to me.

        Graham Stoney · June 18, 2018 at 6:57 pm

        I’ve also found it hard to find people who can really empathise with the overwhelming feelings I experienced after growing up around my emotionally stunted parents. Now that I’m a little further down the road, empathy and understanding is a big part of what I offer my clients. I get it because I’ve lived it myself. If I can be of any assistance to you, please drop me a line.

          Philip John Anelay · July 4, 2021 at 4:36 pm

          I think there’s something in what you say. Dominant women and passive men may present role models to their offspring which cause the pattern to be repeated. But faced with a constantly nagging wife, even a masculine man with kids is stuck between a rock and a hard place. He can stand up to her (assert his masculinity) by constantly arguing back which will hardly create a happy household for the family, he can walk out which will cause him big problems financially in divorce case and risk him not seeing his kids easily, or he can put up with it for the sake of sanity for all. Is it any wonder that men resort to the latter? Even strong masculine men are forced to put up with it. A woman’s weapon is her voice. A man, even a masculine one, has little to counter with.

          Graham Stoney · July 5, 2021 at 7:19 am

          I’m curious what your experience with this is Philip? A constantly nagging wife clearly isn’t getting her needs met. The solution isn’t arguing back, leaving or putting up with it; it’s sitting down with her to explore what the problem is and working together to find a solution. Cheers, Graham

    Philip John Anelay · July 5, 2021 at 2:47 am

    Green Queen I feel for what you have been through. But I also feel your father, who you indicate was a good provider working hard for the family for 35 years was in a difficult position, (probably faced by a lot of fathers with difficult wives, who are in reality strong, but choose to not show that strength to try to minimise family trauma.) Men like him could try standing up to their wives by returning their verbal fire with equal ferocity, but would that showing of “strength” , with the likely long term situation of rows interspersed with simmering resentment, have made the family, including you, happier? I doubt it. Or would the other scenario of him showing “strength” saying enough is enough and walking out, with all the trauma of divorce etc, have been better? (That can cause great difficulties: financial hardship and risk of the wife making it hard for the father to see his kids). I suspect your father was actually strong because he was putting up with a lot of verbal criticism, probably much of it unwarranted, at great injury to his male pride, to try to avoid his family being hit with the trauma of the alternatives. I may be wrong, but I think that is a strong possibility.

      Graham Stoney · July 5, 2021 at 7:23 am

      Hey Philip. You don’t stand up to a difficult wife by returning their verbal fire with equal ferocity, you do it by regulating your own emotions first, staying calm, co-regulating hers, setting strong boundaries with her and working together to resolve the conflict amicably. Cheers, Graham

Truth Seeker · May 29, 2016 at 10:40 am

Wow, what wise words are written on this site—helpful for women too. I am a woman who married the son of a critical + emotionally neglectful mother/passive father duo, whose husband is suffering from the consequences. And by suffering, I mean he is never satisfied with what he has or has done/accomplished (and it’s a lot!), and when his given things or praise—rejects it. In your experience, what makes men come to their senses and say, “I’m good enough, but came from a family dynamic that was dysfunctional?” Men don’t seem to like to dig into their inadequacies by nature, so how do they recover instead of living a life of spinning their wheels.

    Graham Stoney · July 15, 2016 at 8:08 pm

    Thanks for your kind feedback and question.

    In my experience, the first step is to overcoming perfectionism is to recognize that it stems from our family programming; and may in fact go back several generations. Then to heal the emotional wound involved requires facing the pain we’re still carrying around having not been loved unconditionally. In other words, dig into precisely the inadequacy and feelings of not-being-good-enough that many men prefer to avoid. That’s what I help men do as a therapist/coach, so if your husband would like to shift this pattern, please let him know I’m here to help.

    Cheers,
    Graham

tessa · May 21, 2016 at 11:02 pm

Yes. How sad. How unfair. How misunderstood. Because dad refuses to be a dad – mum has to play the double parenting role. And what does she get for it, for her super hard work and enormous efforts? The sticker on her forehead for being dominant…. Sonnyboy starts to hate her as he interprets her double role as controlling – no matter how understandable, what choice does a mother have? Not control, or rather discipline, and let her son grow wild?? With no dad to set limits, boys sense this very quickly and push boundaries with mum just the harder – so mum needs to step up the fights to save her son – and more nasty stickers on her forehead soon appear. And who gets the blame if things dont turn out well for the son? Correct, mum, while it is in fact dad, the do-nothing guy for his kids. And yes, the boys become passive aggressive, oppostitional defiant (disorder), because they get sick of the “over”controlling mum – which only seems that way because she does dads job as well and hence is busy with it way too much of the time – but again, what choice does she have???? The sons find it hard to understand this – otherwise they would kiss the ground their mother walks on!!!! Fortunatelu most sons as adults start to see that mum did it all out of pure love and care. Sure there are overcontrolling mums, but most sons will fight tooth and nail to get away from this, and if they dont, then they have a problem in the first place. Probably to weak, just as their father, so let’s blame genetics and not injustly mum as usual.

    Graham Stoney · May 23, 2016 at 6:09 pm

    Hi Tessa,

    It certainly is sad for all concerned, and from your comment I’m guessing you’ve seen yourself in the role of the misunderstood mother in this scenario. There are two sides to every story, and I think when we’re feeling misunderstood or unappreciated it’s worth asking the question: How might I have contributed to this situation?

    I’m uncomfortable with the picture that you paint of a controlling mother being some kind of pure, innocent, powerless victim of her circumstances. Controlling mothers tend to be quite narcissistic and selective about which needs of their children they choose to meet, while playing the victim card themselves when things don’t go their way. Children grow resentful of such parenting styles because they sense the hypocrisy in it. Controlling mothers do have other options, like sitting down with their partner to have a frank discussion about the unhealthy dynamic in their primary relationship, backing off from being so controlling and supporting the father in stepping up. The challenge here is that the mother may have to confront her own demons to do this: there’s a reason she got into a toxic relationship with a passive man in the first place; and she can avoid this introspection to some extent by simply stepping into an unhealthy domineering (rather than a healthy supporting) role.

    I don’t buy they idea that parents always operate out of “pure love and care”; they are human after all, and have their own needs which will sometimes conflict with the best interests of the child. I would recommend any parent who seeks their adult children “kiss the ground that they walk on” that they would benefit from some personal work in therapy. It doesn’t reflect what I consider to be a healthy adult/adult relationship of peer equals that I recommend men work towards establishing with their mothers where possible.

    Cheers,
    Graham

      Anonymous · August 12, 2016 at 12:40 pm

      I am in agreement with most of this article. I can honestly relate to being a “domineering” type of wife married to a passive husband. Yes, I have anxiety and I resent being so domineering all of the time. However, I don’t think it is fair to say that these women “seek out” these men in order to find someone to control, without also addressing the fact that these passive men ALSO seek out domineering women to run the show so they can avoid the stress of making important choices, taking action, building boundaries with others, etc.! It takes two to tango in this dysfunctional relationship – which is exactly what it is – a dysfunctional way of relating between two people – not necessarily between two “dysfunctional” people. I talk to him about me being less controlling and him being more assertive, in which he agrees, but when he never steps up to the plate, never handles things, procrastinates or never makes important decisions, it puts our family at risk and I feel it necessary to jump in to get things done. I give him so many opportunities to handle issues or be 50/50 in making choices, but he is so used to having what I call a “free ride” on MY decisions, while not having the stress of worrying, weighing pros/cons and the job hassles of effective decision-making, that he will perpetually wait for me to make a choice and stand idly as things fall apart from his lack of action. I am so sick of having to control everything because he won’t do anything. In addition, I am then negatively labelled as “controlling” and he is unhappy and resents me because he never nurtures his own self. A current example is that he has a history of skin cancer and had to have surgery to remove it in the past. He now has a new growth on his skin that fits all of the properties of cancer, yet does not call the doctor. I have been reminding him daily for over TWO YEARS! I refuse to call and set up an appointment for him the way I used to in the past. He also told his mommy about it and she immediately picked up the phone to make him an appointment…he is 35 years old! I told her he is 35 years old, he can handle it himself, thank you. I think it is irresponsible of him to procrastinate with something important like cancer growing throughout his body. We have small kids. He has still yet to make that appointment! It drives me nuts! I don’t know what else to do at this point. If one person in the dysfunctional relationship is ready and willing to make healthy changes, but the other person is not, then the relationship no longer works. At this point, he verbally agrees with me (as usual) and is highly passive with everyone in his life (which like you said, does not make a wife feel protected), but will not take actual steps to assert himself at home or elsewhere. How do I get him to actually follow through? He has been conditioned to be this way from his over-bearing mother for 35 years now and I don’t think he knows how to change. I am more than willing to do anything I need to do on my part.

        Graham Stoney · August 15, 2016 at 11:25 am

        I hear that you’re really frustrated with your husband’s passive behavior and the situation seems unfair to you. I get that if you were to let things slide so he felt the true impact of his passivity, your children might suffer. Sounds like a job for a professional. It sounds like he needs to cut the emotional umbilical cord with his mother, and I’d be happy to talk to him if he wants to do that. We can’t really force change on other people, and perhaps your husband is happy with the status quo where you do all the worrying for him. I’m curious if you have sought help for dealing with your anxiety and for being truly assertive with him? Cheers, Graham

    Daniela · October 26, 2016 at 1:35 pm

    I couldn’t have said it better myself!

    Green Queen · June 13, 2018 at 12:23 pm

    You sound just like my mother–“an over- controlling mum” that children with moxy will fight tooth and nail to get away from the henpecking.
    I’m a woman who grew up with this dynamic. I have no desire for a weak milquetoast like my dad, nor a controlling dominant person like my mother.

    The question is why do these women pick weak men? I know the answer is that they want someone they can control. So they get what they want and then aren’t happy with it. It gives them something to complain and be dramatic about.

      Graham Stoney · June 13, 2018 at 3:55 pm

      I think you’ve nailed the answer to your own question there. I would add that it’s exciting, they get to feel self-righteous and they know the guy is never going to shatter their narcissistic world-view because he’s still enmeshed in his own unresolved mother stuff.

        Green Queen · June 14, 2018 at 12:11 am

        Yes. I think often this dynamic plays out uncosciously. These men and women often do not understand their own drives and motivations.

    Green Queen · June 13, 2018 at 12:35 pm

    Ah the martyr/victim complex. I know it well. My neurotic, manipulative, overcontrolling mother plays this card every time anyone questions or challenges her behavior.

Michael · December 26, 2015 at 3:25 pm

Both our parents are so extremely kind and affectionate. If you met my mom, you would totally like to talk to her as she would keep on talking with you about so many things. As a stranger, you will have all the liberty to talk to her about your personal matters and she would guide you very well. But when it comes to her own children, she emotionally made us feel like we cannot cross certain boundaries as adults, no matter how old we get.

I wonder if anyone ever had a mother who enforced an emotional blackmail type of control over them. I’m 30 and my mom won’t leave me nor am i able to leave her. She had made me a dependent as she had been, washed vessels, She follows me wherever i go, move or relocate. She had created a mindset in me so that i cannot do anything without her. She thinks i would become a “bad boy” if left alone.

My dad is a cool and funny guy. He is a very shy person, though and had always been quite scared of my mom. About 6 to 7 years ago, he had lost huge chunk of savings, property money, etc. Since then my dad has been extremely passive and totally accepting to be enslaved by my mom. I feel it so wrong at times that he is innocent and can’t talk back as he is always been a dependent in the house and readily do all the house chores. But watching him sit at home and not being a “Man”, annoys me and my brother even to this day. He had lost a great deal of money in investments which my mom had pointed out several times with great anger and frustration.

Mom would shout at dad often and slam the phone down to end conversations, when he is not able to do some task she had asked him to do, properly. She surely has anxiety. Me and my brother often blame our dad for being so feminine and stay-at-home type guy and not the guy we like him to be as a male role model. He always seemed like a coward. We wanted a dad who took us to places and showed us how to be a perfect man. If i ever had a son, i would think 10 or 20 or 30 years into his future and how he would feel then, so he wouldn’t blame me for raising him that way and hopefully raise him in such a way that he would be proud and grateful of me for life.

My mom had been supremely controlling type. She never let me or my brother go for some adventure with friends or just any long distance outing. Somethings i had difficulty expressing as many may find it silly. But just wanna open up here. She would often claim that she had bought a TV just so that we watch colorful stuff during our childhood. But truth is that she had banned us from watching TV throughout our childhood and through our 20s, in emotional ways, while she was ok with buying us personal computers without the knowledge that an internet connection opens up portals like TV wouldn’t. Even now i can’t go and sit on the sofa and watch the TV like every other 30 or even a 18+ year old guy would, even if their parents are around. This caused us great fear talking to colleagues or friends as they discuss about TV shows, sports, etc. that we are not familiar and cannot quote the aforementioned reason for our limited knowledge in such areas.

Whenever travelling with her to some place, mom always had her eyes on our eyes and controlled whom we were looking at. If a hot girl is on the road, and our eyes are on her, she would exclaim “hmm..” like as if she is angry and wants us not to even look at the girl as a person. This made it impossible to even naturally look at girls in our late teens and throughout our 20s, when parents are around. Being a 30 year old frustrated virgin male is taking a toll on me, personally.

I often feel suicidal as i keep ageing. Almost all of my friends and colleagues in my age group are married with kids or at least have girlfriends. Every year that passes by, feels like i am only as good as dead single and all alone. When you cannot talk to parents about the issues that you face as men, owing to their control, it’s really messing with our lives. These days she occasionally asks me (jokes) to get a girlfriend and i can’t even reply back to her and just go away from her as i don’t know how to ask her to be serious about some things. It’s coz of her that i am still not confident enough like all the other guys i know of, while talking to girls. I feel annoyed when my parents talk (joke) about me getting married. I often feel like running away somewhere to a foreign country and do all i want to do and never return home to see my parents, relatives, friends, etc ever again.

    Graham Stoney · January 4, 2016 at 1:39 pm

    Hey Michael. I hear your pain! That really sucks having a dad as a role model who is under your mother’s thumb, and just crushed by life by the sounds of it. I also hear all the fear that your mother has bred into you, which comes up when you’re meeting women. I relate, and what I have found helpful is having male mentors who could act as a surrogate father to me and coach me in how to relate to the world as a man, rather than as a wuss. I’d be happy to talk about what you could do next, if you’d like to drop me a line. Cheers, Graham

Jacob · September 8, 2015 at 4:00 pm

I am a by-product of that DUO… 25 yo never had girlfriend, never kissed, no job, always nervous, emotional and feel worse. Having dominant mother and weak father was disastrous for me and I also was sharing room with my 5 yo older sister and she was copying my mothers bahavior on me so I was bombarded from two sides! My masculinity was choking very hard. Some girls even think and ask me “are you gay?”

    Graham Stoney · September 8, 2015 at 7:26 pm

    Ouch, that sounds pretty sucky Jacob. I’m guessing you must be feeling pretty angry about being dealt a hand like that in life. What’s your next step in reclaiming your masculinity and building some real confidence in yourself?

      Jacob · September 9, 2015 at 3:47 pm

      It is a nightmare for a boy to grow in that environment. I’m trying to lower my anger, to be calm and emotionally stable. I watch some self help videos on youtube, read some articles. I really feel like I’m sick… bad decisions, uncertainty, social problems, I dont know if it’s to late to recover from this.

        Graham Stoney · September 10, 2015 at 11:27 am

        Yeah, I get it. Drop me a line if you want to talk. Posting your story on the forums would help too; telling your story is therapeutic. Cheers, Graham

LAG · June 10, 2015 at 9:19 pm

I agree with this! My husband has totally abdicated his role as a leader in our family. He is content to remain checked out of parenting, the marriage, consumed with self-pity over having his life now seriously limited by MS, addicted to watching sports and living in complete submission to life…he lives life like he is a guest in his own world. My children, now 20 and 23 see him as weak willed, clueless, apathetic and a poser. For many years I have worried about my son and growing into man. I have been the one to throw the football, teach how to use tools and power equipment, how to paint, wax a car, fix leaky faucets, hang a light fixture etc. His Dad just passively watched saying he was not good at that stuff….he is simply lazy, passive and apathetic. With the challenges of life, his own crappy father, he chose to get bitter instead of be better. My son has missed out on only what a father can give! It breaks my heart that his Dad turned out to be so useless. He forced me into the role of “the man” by being such a wimp..full of excuses, procrastination, etc. “I forgot”, “I just didn’t do it”, “I don’t know” are the common reponses…somehow, my son has managed to see his Dad’s weak behavior and has acted with intention to not follow in his footsteps. While it has been sometimes painful, my son has managed to push me away, in a healthy way, and find his way to manhood! He has been blessed with some great coaches and teachers that have filled in a gap. I think he is actually becoming a man with leadership, confidence, and strength…I am soooo relieved. I do not want him to be like his father. I would love to have a man who would step up and relieve me of the need to make sure the doors are locked, the car is fixed, etc. I want to be taken care of, protected!!! I crave it, and not having it makes me see my husband as a mentally disabled child. Who is turned on by that? He started out posing as the perfect guy, but grew tired of the charade after the pressure was off…we moved out of state after 1o years near my family. I am proud of the man my son is becoming, no thanks to his own father.

    Graham Stoney · June 15, 2015 at 11:04 am

    Wow… I’m quite blown away by what you’ve said Helen. It really highlights to me the importance of men stepping up and learning to really be men, regardless of their original role models. Your comment is the best recommendation of the value of coaching for men that I’ve come across in a long time. Thanks for stopping by! Cheers, Graham

Bruce Kugler · December 16, 2014 at 8:46 pm

I think you’re idea that women become more anxious when men can not demonstrate they can protect them is not the main reason for the woman’s anxiety, but when the woman believes he can not protect himself, this is a far greater source of anxiety. It is the same with children and parents. If the child ridicules a parent, and knows the parent can not stand up for her/himself, it suggests to the child the parent is too weak to defend her/himself. Of course this means the child can not depend upon the parent for protection in the end, but I think before concern about offering protection to others, we need to see the other taking care of her/himself. Your idea of the man not providing protection to the woman assumes the woman, no matter the woman, needs this as her primary need, and this isn’t true. But I doubt many women overlook a man not able to protect himself.

    Graham Stoney · December 20, 2014 at 11:36 am

    Hey Bruce, thanks for the insight. I believe anxiety is about safety, and ultimately she’s looking to get her own safety needs. Perhaps she knows that she’ll feel bad if he gets hurt; so I see where you’re coming from. In a way it’s not that different: she’s afraid of getting hurt either physically or emotionally by his inability to stand up for himself and what’s important to him… so she ends up taking control and he becomes even more passive, thus the vicious cycle. Cheers, Graham

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