Masculinity

How To Take Your Mother Off The Brake Pedal Of Your Life

Many of my coaching clients grew up with a critical, controlling, domineering mother. They come to me because I've experienced this myself and know how challenging it can be to overcome on your own. Despite the challenge they face, I find my clients often make huge breakthroughs in their lives once they start addressing their mother issues both in Skype sessions with me and by taking assertive action towards their goals in the real world. When they stop living to just please their tyrannical mother and silence the inner critic they internalized as a result of their unhealthy emotional attachment to her, they can finally start living their own lives on their own terms.

In one session recently a client summarized his progress by saying:

“I've feel like I've finally taken my mother off the brake pedal of my life”

I am so inspired by many of my client's rapid progress that I want to share with you some of the specific things that we've all found helpful for taking our mothers off the brake pedal of our lives:

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By Graham Stoney, ago
Self Esteem

How To Recover From A Narcissistic Mother

[caption id="attachment_2982" align="alignright" width="300"] Narcissistic Mothers Turned Their Back On Our Feelings When We Were Upset[/caption] Growing up with a narcissistic mother can be a complete disaster for a growing boy's of self, self-confidence, and future adult relationships. Narcissists are essentially children walking around in an adult body, which makes them incredibly challenging to have as a parent. Even if your narcissistic mother does eventually grow up, her emotional unavailability and controlling nature when you were developing your sense of self can leave deep wounds in an adult man's psyche.

If you're wondering whether you had a narcissistic mother, check out my previous article Ten Signs That You Had A Narcissistic Mother.

Here's how to recover: (more…)

By Graham Stoney, ago
Relationships

Ten Signs That You Had A Narcissistic Mother

I had a narcissistic mother and it was a complete disaster for my boyhood sense of self-confidence and the way I saw myself as I grew into a man. A narcissistic mother can leave deep emotional and psychological wounds that get triggered in our daily adult lives, undermining our self-confidence and making life extremely stressful. The impact is most pronounced in our relationships with women, leaving us feeling disempowered and emasculated around women until we get our narcissistic mother wound healed. [caption id="attachment_2976" align="alignright" width="300"] Narcissistic Mothers Are Emotionally Unavailable[/caption]

Narcissists carry a lot of internalized shame and project their own unhealed emotional wounds onto everyone around them, especially their children. As a boy we were powerless to deal with our narcissistic mother and may still carry this sense of powerlessness along with her paranoid world view unconsciously into adulthood.

It's easy to recognize a narcissistic mother because they typically: (more…)

By Graham Stoney, ago
Family

How To Put Your Mother In Her Rightful Place

I was visiting my parent's place on the weekend and seeing some relatives from interstate who I don't often get the chance to hang out with. At one point we were all sitting in the lounge room listening to my father describe the apocalyptic nightmares he's been having lately, while my controlling mother kept interrupting, talking over him, "correcting" him and just generally dominating the conversation. [caption id="attachment_2955" align="alignright" width="300"] Take Your Mother Off The Power Pedestal[/caption]

I've always found my mother's domineering behavior annoying, but I used to be far too scared of her to stand up to it. This time though I casually lent towards her, put my hand on her arm and said "Mum, could you be quiet please. I want to hear what my father is saying".

She moved her arm to brush me off dismissively in a way I've always found infuriating. This time though rather than feeling powerless and simply capitulating, I [intlink id="2809" type="post"]channeled my anger into assertiveness[/intlink]: "Don't just brush me off!", I said, "I want to hear what he's saying."

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By Graham Stoney, ago
Masculinity

How To Heal Your Mother Issues

Many men have mother issues that undermine our self-confidence by stopping us from really growing up and fulfilling our true potential. Unresolved mother issues cause us to remain emotionally and developmentally immature; a boy in a man's body. If we had a critical or controlling mother we're particularly prone to having mother issues. Add in a passive father and a lack of tribal structure with initiation rituals in modern society to force us from the cozy comfort of our mother's breast, and it's easy to slip from childhood into adulthood without ever actually growing up. [caption id="attachment_2932" align="alignright" width="300"]Unresolved mother issues can leave you stuck in a permanent state of adolescence. Unresolved mother issues can leave you stuck in a permanent state of adolescence.[/caption]

This leaves us forever unconsciously seeking comfort and reassurance from our mother, and our neediness ends up projected onto any woman we come across; which is a disaster for our relationships with women.

In normal human development, we individuate from our mothers during adolescence as we grow into being our own man with our own set of values different from hers. This is a time of rapid brain rewiring and emotional upheaval as we alternate between feeling emotionally connected with our mother, and separating from her to explore the world and our place in it.

If our mother wasn't emotionally available to connect to, or tried to control our excursions into the world in order to prevent her feeling upset in case we got hurt, then everything can go horribly wrong. Nice Guy Syndrome and the associated approval seeking are classic symptoms of mother issues. Insecurity resulting from unresolved mother issues ends up being unconsciously projected onto everyone and everything around us, having a serious negative impact on our whole life.

Here's how to heal your mother issues: (more…)

By Graham Stoney, ago
Family

How To Cut The Emotional Umbilical Cord With Your Mother

G’day, guys. Today I want to talk about how to cut the emotional umbilical cord with your mother. Now, you may wonder why you want to do this or what I’m talking about. So the emotional umbilical cord is a metaphor to refer to that ability that your mother has to control or dominate you or influence you in ways that you may not like. Now, the origin of the emotional umbilical cord goes back to when you were an infant, when your ability to comply with what your mother wanted was kind of essential to your survival since you were totally dependent on her to feed and clothe and house you. And at some point during your development, you need to cut this emotional umbilical cord if you want to grow up from being a boy into being a man. http://youtu.be/PLFVP6n8XYg (more…)

By Graham Stoney, ago
Relationships

How To Handle A Boyfriend Or Husband With A Controlling Mother: Part 2

The solution to this whole issue is for the man to man up and start stand up to his mother and saying what's important to him whenever there's some kind of conflict so that he can learn to side with you in the relationship rather than with his controlling mother. There's really nothing that you can do as a partner in terms of what his mother does, and the solution to the problem is not for the mother to change her behavior. You can't expect other people to change, and we have really no control over other people's behavior. http://youtu.be/1V3fE37PK1o   (more…)

By Graham Stoney, ago
Relationships

How To Handle A Boyfriend Or Husband With A Controlling Mother: Part 1

Most of my advice is aimed at men, but today I have a video for you ladies out there on the topic of how to deal with a man who has a controlling mother. I've written a previous article on how to deal with a controlling mother, and I'm getting an increasing number of comments left by women in response to this article which was originally aimed at men. And the women are talking about their frustrations in having dealt with partners who had controlling mothers. What I'll cover here today is what you should if your boyfriend, husband or partner has a controlling mother and this is having some kind of impact - and it's generally a negative impact - on your relationship with the guy. http://youtu.be/7GIBdCROXtI (more…)

By Graham Stoney, ago
Masculinity

The Disastrous Duo: Controlling Mother, Passive Father

I've noticed a strong pattern in the lives of a lot of guys who I've been talking to lately who have had issues with self-confidence, especially around women: the combination of a dominant, controlling mother and a passive father. It's the disastrous duo for a boy's confidence growing into a man. [caption id="attachment_3131" align="alignright" width="300"] Controlling mothers tend to attract passive fathers[/caption] One of the unfortunate realities of life is that controlling women tend to attract passive men. So if you have a controlling mother, you're likely to also have ended up with a passive father as your primary male role model. Controlling women attempt to dominate the men in their lives in order to assuage their own inner anxiety about the unpredictable nature of life and their lack of trust in healthy masculine power. Confident, powerful men don't put up with this sort of behaviour: they assert themselves and if necessary walk away knowing that there are plenty of other fish in the sea. So controlling women tend to end up left with passive men who are willing to be pushed around because they don't know how to stand up for themselves. Unfortunately that means that if you had a controlling mother, you probably also had a passive father, which is a double-blow to your developing masculinity. (more…)

By Graham Stoney, ago
Women

Do You Have Mother Issues?

A lot of guys I know who struggle with their self-confidence had a controlling or domineering mother. This can be a problem that affects our adult relationships with women even if we only have minimal contact with our mothers now. Your mother's influence over you as a child can continue well into adulthood and even past her death.

Is your mother still in control of your life?

Is your mother still in control of your life?

If your mother was particularly critical and/or controlling (like mine was), she would have seen your growing independence as a threat to be crushed at all costs. A mother like that is a force to be reckoned with that totally overwhelms a child's sense of self. The only option we have as a child is to learn to submit to this woman's power in order to survive.

But giving up your power like that comes at a massive cost later in life unless you claim it back now that you're a man.

Healthy mothers go through a grieving process when a boy grows into a man and separates from her emotionally and physically. You become released from the emotional ties to her moods, values, beliefs and opinions as you become your own man.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago