Helping Men to Be Confident

Whiny, Complaining People Really Make Me Angry

My punching bag has been getting a good workout lately, getting more of my repressed anger out of my system. One of the recent triggers has been whiny, complaining people.

Put Up or Shut Up

Put Up or Shut Up

For example, last week I was in an acting class where everyone seemed to want to complain about something. One woman turned up late and complained that she had trouble parking the car, and seemed to want the teacher to solve the problem for her. I’d managed to get a parking space with no trouble, and there’s a train station right across the road so it really didn’t seem like a huge deal to me. A bit of forward planning and she’d be able to park the car and get to class on time.

Then another guy turned up late and started protesting when the teacher requested that he turn up on time in future. Thing is, he always turns up late. It’s like his thing to be late, and he always makes a big deal of it when he walks into the room. We even used it to mock him in a performance one time; but really he’s the only one who finds it funny.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

How Joining A Men’s Group Builds Your Confidence

One of the most powerful things I’ve done in the last 12 months to continue building my own confidence is to join a men’s group. Our fortnightly gatherings allow me to connect more deeply to other men and in doing so, connect more deeply to my own masculine power. My experience of other males at my all-boys high school wasn’t a particularly positive basis for me to build trust in men. So my men’s group is a valuable opportunity to learn trust and mutual respect amongst men who are prepared to be vulnerable and real about what is going on in their lives.

Joining a Men's Group is a great way to build self-confidence.

Joining a Men’s Group is a great way to build self-confidence.

With this in mind I was keen to interview Brett Churnin from mensgroup.info, who is at the centre of a loose collective of men’s groups all founded with the intention of growing more confident, capable, loving, powerful and honest men.

Brett first become involved in a men’s group after he and another desperately single male friend discovered David Deida’s book The Way of The Superior Man while looking for more powerful ways to relate to women. They came to realise that being a man was very different to what they had thought, and started to explore the notion of masculinity and how to develop themselves as men.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Path Of Love

One of the biggest destroyers of our self-esteem is shame, and one of the most powerful processes I’ve ever come across for healing the wounds of toxic shame in an intensive course is the Path Of Love process.

Heal Your Emotional and Spiritual Wounds at Path Of Love

Heal Your Emotional and Spiritual Wounds at Path Of Love

In fact, Path Of Love deals with more than just shame: it’s a full-blown spiritual and emotional healing experience that left me more able to accept love into my life. I recommend it in The Confident Man Program Guide because I’ve done it twice and each time I’ve found it tremendously healing.

It’s a seven-day residential course that’s run all over the globe. To find out more hit the Path Retreats website.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

How To Overcome Self-Doubt

You’re feeling excited about a project and keen to move forward, and then the evil gremlins in your mind rise up and strike a blow that stops you in your tracks. Or perhaps you feel stuck in your tracks unsure even which way to move in the first place. If so, there’s a good chance you’re being held back by self-doubt.

I know the feeling all too well. The fear of failure, the procrastination, the voice in my head that says “nobody will read that article”, “nobody will come to your gig”, or “you’re gonna fuck it up in front of everybody!”. It all comes down to self-doubt and the fear of failure that lurks beneath.

So how do you overcome this evil gremlin?

Here’s what I tell myself when self-doubt strikes:

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By Graham Stoney, ago

Resolving The Money Riddle by Paul Blackburn

Resolving The Money Riddle

Resolving The Money Riddle

Do you have money problems? If so, I recommend you check out Paul Blackburn’s book Resolving The Money Riddle which will teach you how to identify and resolve your subconscious blockages to wealth and help you create a positive mindset around money.

Paul originally wanted to call this book How I went from Sweet FA to $10 Million a year in 18 Months, but his wife and business partner Mary felt this was an inappropriate business title and they settled on Resolving The Money Riddle instead. Nevertheless, he still managed to slip his preferred title onto the front cover as the tag line.

The theme of the book is that the most important factor in your financial success, or that of your business, is the grey matter between your ears. As in other areas of life, our mindset is everything. For Paul, running a business isn’t about the money; it’s a personal development opportunity that will push your boundaries at every turn. In other words, it’s about how you develop as a human being.

Resolving The Money Riddle teaches you that to be successful with money in your business and personal life you need to: (more…)

By Graham Stoney, ago

What Do You Do If You Haven’t Any Success?

In a recent post I recommended that if you want your confidence to grow more quickly, it’s worth developing the habit of [intlink id=”1761″ type=”post”]sharing your successes with other people[/intlink]. In response I got an email asking:

What do you do if you haven’t any success?

OK, great question. It may seem hard to celebrate something that you don’t already have. So here’s my suggestion on how to handle it:

Allow Yourself To Feel The Pain

We live in a society that systematically denies and suppresses emotional pain. Most of us have been taught to hide how we feel both from ourselves and from other people. Having  a lack of success in life is painful for a man. For me, it brings up feelings of sadness, rejection, hopelessness, despair and anger.

These feelings are painful, but allowing ourselves to feel them activates the grieving process which takes us back to a clean slate where we can start creating what we want in life. Skipping this step leaves us building on a foundation of pain, which lays dormant ready to undermine our future progress whenever one of these painful emotions is triggered again.

Since most of us guys have been trained to suppress our pain, this may not come naturally. Grab a journal and start writing about how you feel around not having the success in life that you want. Be specific about what it is that you’re missing: relationships with women, money, sex, power, health. Whatever upsets you, write about it. Allow yourself to dwell on the emotions rather than the thoughts that you have about it. Dwelling on negative thoughts creates more negativity, whereas dwelling on unpleasant emotions allows them to dissipate. If you want to feeling really gutsy, share what you discover with someone else you trust, or do it anonymously on the forum.

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By Graham Stoney, ago

Celebrate Your Successes By Sharing Them With Others

Building confidence can take time and commitment. Each success moves us closer to the goal of being the person we were meant to be, but it can be easy to overlook or forget even major personal breakthroughs when we’re in it for the long haul.

Our brains are wired to seek out problems in order to solve them ahead of time. This leaves many of us with a tendency to dwell on the negative rather than appreciating the progress that we’re making and the awesome things that are in our life as a result.

One of the best ways to counter this natural tendency towards negative thinking is to celebrate your successes by sharing them with other people. I’ve noticed in my own life that my conditioning against pride left me reticent to share my successes with other people. I literally felt ashamed of being proud of myself!

The only way to counter shame is to share the feelings behind it with other people. If you’re ashamed of your successes, I encourage you to share them with other people so that you can learn to feel good about being successful.

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By Graham Stoney, ago

Are You Frustrated With Your Life?

Hey there,

I want to share a secret that will change your life. But first, a question:

  • Do you feel frustrated with your life?

Or to go deeper:

  • Are you stuck in a dead-end job?
  • Uncertain what you really want to do?
  • Do you find yourself feeling angry and not knowing why?
  • Do you wonder why the girls you like don’t seem to like you?
  • Have you given up when it comes to women, dating, sex and relationships?

OK, that’s enough… I know these can be painful questions. But I want to let you in on a secret that enlightened people have known for centuries which will help you dissolve your frustration:

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By Graham Stoney, ago

Do You Have Mother Issues?

A lot of guys I know who struggle with their self-confidence had a controlling or domineering mother. This can be a problem that affects our adult relationships with women even if we only have minimal contact with our mothers now. Your mother’s influence over you as a child can continue well into adulthood and even past her death.

Is your mother still in control of your life?

Is your mother still in control of your life?

If your mother was particularly critical and/or controlling (like mine was), she would have seen your growing independence as a threat to be crushed at all costs. A mother like that is a force to be reckoned with that totally overwhelms a child’s sense of self. The only option we have as a child is to learn to submit to this woman’s power in order to survive.

But giving up your power like that comes at a massive cost later in life unless you claim it back now that you’re a man.

Healthy mothers go through a grieving process when a boy grows into a man and separates from her emotionally and physically. You become released from the emotional ties to her moods, values, beliefs and opinions as you become your own man. This can be painful for her as she loses power over you and is forced to adopt a new relationship style based on adult mutual respect.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago