A close friend of mine was telling me recently of her dissatisfaction and frustration in her experience having sex with men. “I want to feel the sacredness of sex.”, she said, “Guys seem so focused on ejaculation that a lot of the time I just don't enjoy sex at all.”

How to Have Sex

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I suspect many women are in the same boat. As the conversation progressed, I got the sense that it wasn't just sacredness that was missing from my friend's sexual encounters. There was a more basic problem: many guys just don't seem to know what they're doing. “Often they're trying to put their penis in my vagina when I'm not even aroused yet. I'm not wet, and it just tears and really hurts.” Ouch. “They don't even seem to know how to turn a woman on. You could say it's just the guys that I'm choosing, but these are conscious guys and one of them had even studied tantra; and they still don't seem to know what to do.”

It may seem pretty basic that a woman needs to be aroused and lubricated before she can enjoy sex, but even getting to that point can be challenging. My friend went on: “When I'm with a guy I want to have sex with, there's always this barrier of fear that comes up for me. I'll be interested in sex, but suddenly there's all this anxiety. All my life I've been pushing myself through that anxiety so that I can have sex, and I just hate pushing myself. I don't want to do that any more.”

Women feel anxious during sex when they don't feel safe. They need to feel safe before they can become aroused, and they need to be aroused before they can enjoy penetration. There's far more to sex for a woman than just penetration and ejaculation, and if you stop and take your breath for a second, you'll notice there's more than this to fully enjoying sex for men too.

If there was one consistent message from my friend's story it's this:

Slow Down!

There's no need to rush. In fact the more you rush, the less satisfying the sex will be for both you and your woman. Men tend to get aroused very quickly by simple visual stimulation. Your average guy is ready for sex in a few seconds, whereas women tend to take much longer to become aroused.

When I asked my friend “Why don't these guys just ask you what you like, and do that?” she replied: “I don't necessarily know. Women don't always know what works for us and what doesn't. We're as clueless as you guys are sometimes. So if you ask me, I'm like... I dunno. But then I'd say to a guy 'Stop; this isn't working for me', and he'd get all defensive and start telling me that I was trying to control him. Guys just don't seem to get it. Someone needs to teach them.”

So if women don't always know what they want, how on earth are guys supposed to do it for them?

Well, that's where communication and exploration come in. Every woman has her own unique preferences but there are some basics that you can safely assume every woman wants when having sex.

The first thing is that a woman needs to feel safe. If she doesn't feel safe, the deal is off. Pretty much everything else depends on this. Your job is to keep the lions from the cave door so that she can relax. If she can't relax, she can't become aroused and everything else isn't going to go well. Sex evokes very strong emotions in a woman (and in a man, if you care to pay attention to how you feel). She will feel the fear my friend described if you don't keep making her feel safe before, during and after sex. This fear will stop her in her tracks, or leave her regretting having sex with you afterward; neither of which you want.

Of course it goes without saying here that the scenario I'm describing is where the woman wants to have sex with you, or is at least open to the possibility. If she definitely doesn't want to have sex with you, it's time to either look at what's going on in your relationship with her or move on.

There's no point blaming a woman for acting frigid if you haven't made her feel safe; yet I've heard several women complain about this and in some cases end up thinking they were frigid. In reality, most likely the guys they were with just didn't pay enough attention to how she was feeling, and in particular that she felt safe. I once had a partner who told me she was frigid, hated kissing, hated being touched and hated sex. After I put some time and effort into connecting with her and making her feel safe, it turned out that she loved kissing and being touched. She just didn't know.

So how do you make a woman feel safe?

This begins long before you go to put your penis in her vagina. It starts with the relationship that you have with the woman. Talking with her. Putting her at ease. Showing her your vulnerability and your strength. Women generally want an emotional connection before a physical one. They want to know that you value them, that you respect and honor them, and that you care about them. Tell her how you feel, especially about her and about getting close to her. Let her know how much you value her as a person and not just as a sexual object.

Women want to connect. It's a basic human need, and you have it too. The more connected you are to the woman, the more arousing you will find your sexual experience with her.

When you focus on connecting with her and meeting her needs, everything else tends to fall into place automatically. Everyone relaxes and our animal instincts usually know where to take it from there. But when you're just pushing to get the job done and have ejaculation as your main agenda, women can sense this and it will trigger their fear at the last minute.

Once she feels safe with you and you have an emotional connection with her, she can relax and begin to become aroused. Then you can start developing your physical connection. Begin by holding her hand, touching her on the leg, stroking her hair. Start with the least vulnerable parts of her body first; don't go charging straight for her breasts or between her legs. Put your hand around the side of her neck and massage the back of her neck under her hair. Kiss her gently on the hand, the shoulders, the neck, the lips.

Kiss her on the lips softly and sensually. The more gently you kiss her, the more aroused she will eventually become; even though it might take longer than with an intense tongue kiss. Sex involves a build-up and release of sexual tension. The longer the build-up takes, the greater the potential for tension and release, and the more amazing the sex will be.

Offer to give her a massage. Massages are awesome for strengthening your connection, helping her to relax, and developing progressively more intimate touch with her. Light a candle, turn the lights down and put on some relaxing music. Get her to lie down on her front on the bed with you straddling her as you massage and stroke her shoulders, neck, scalp, and arms. Do a sensual massage course if you don't know what to do.

During the massage you can progressively remove her clothes as she becomes more and more relaxed and comfortable. Take off her top, and then unhook her bra. If she resists, don't force it. Maybe she's not ready yet. Be patient. Or maybe you're the wrong guy for her, that's possible too. Hopefully you've worked that out by this point.

Once she is feeling relaxed by the back massage, ask her to roll over so that you can do her front. If she wants to get more intimate with you, she'll readily comply. If not, you have to judge if she's just self-conscious or if she's saying she doesn't want anything more than a back massage from you. Many women are self-conscious about their bodies which is why lighting a candle and turning the lights down can help her feel more relaxed. Taking your time can help if she's feeling a bit unsure about whether she wants to have sex with you because she's still feeling a little anxious.

If she doesn't want to roll over because she doesn't want to have sex with you, perhaps you've misread the situation. Or maybe she's having her period but is shy about telling you. Or any one of a myriad of other things that may not even be about you. Having that connection with her that I mentioned earlier will help you avoid ending up feeling frustrated with her because she doesn't want to have sex when you were expecting her to. Let go of your expectations so you can be more present to the moment. Don't get all huffy with her, and don't try and force anything; this will just cause her to feel uncomfortable and that's a big turn-off. So is acting like a whiny child just because you aren't getting what you want. Back off. Ask her if she'd like a cup of tea or dessert or something instead. When she sees that you respect her choice not to get more physically intimate, she may feel safer with you and end up feeling like she wants more intimacy with you after all.

When she's rolled onto her front, start massaging her shoulders gently. Run your fingers through her hair. Tell her what you like about her face, smile, shoulders, neck. Let her know how much you appreciate her. Tell her how much you love her... Breasts. Keep it fun and playful, or romantic depending on the mood.

Take off her bra if you haven't already done so. Begin massaging her breasts gently, starting with the soft tissue and leaving the nipples till last. Stroke all over her front gently before touching her nipples. Stroking her body will arouse her and increase the sexual tension that she feels. You want to turn her on so that she's wanting you to caress her nipples before you actually do so. Go slow; just slightly slower than she really wants you to, so that she feels more sexual tension. You want her to be thinking “Go faster!” rather than “Stop it!”.

Moving slightly slower than what she wants will get her very turned on, while moving too fast when she's not ready will make her feel anxious and turned off. There's no hard and fast rule here and every woman is different, but remember my friend's comment that most guys generally move too fast and need to slow down. You need to rely on your connection with her to judge how comfortable she's feeling, and be willing to change when you get it wrong. Moving more slowly than you could will also mean you get to enjoy the sexual intimacy for longer and increase your own sexual tension, meaning a more satisfying climax... when you eventually get to that. It's not just good for her; it's good for you too.

After stroking her upper body for a while, gradually move down towards her lower body. Stroke her hips, belly and legs. Experiment with her belly button; some women find an immediate sensation in their vagina when you play with their belly button which can be very arousing. Others dislike it and find it a big turn off. Explore playfully. If something works, do more of it. If not, move on to something else.

As you stroke her legs, thighs and hips, return every now and then to stroke her upper body, shoulders, breasts and nipples. Tease her gently by keeping on returning to the less sexual parts of her body and increasing the time you spend on her nipples and inner thighs very gradually. Occasionally start running your hand down just inside her panties until you can feel her pubic hair (or the lack thereof); then come back out again and stroke the rest of her body more. Go a little further down towards her genitals each time you stroke her body so she starts to feel that you're teasing her. Again, you want to proceed just a little slower than she seems to want, so that her sexual tension and desire increases.

She'll generally remove her panties at this point if she hasn't already done so. If you're on the right track, now she's completely naked, very turned on, feeling very safe and comfortable with you.

If she resists removing her panties, perhaps she's just not comfortable yet, maybe you're moving too fast, or perhaps she's decided not to go all the way with you. Either way, honor her choice. Hopefully you've got that all-important emotional connection with her and so you know what's going on for her. Go back to doing what you were doing before she felt anxious. She may relax and want to go further later. Or she may not. If she's saying “No”, either explicitly or implicitly, honor it. It may turn into a “Yes” later. Or it may not. Be prepared to let it go, no matter how turned on you are.

If you're using a condom to prevent pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted disease, you need to put the condom on before your penis makes any contact with her genitals, before any of her bodily fluids coming onto contact with your penis, and before you get so carried away that you're likely to just proceed without it.

Some women love to talk and will tell you what's going on for them. Others are more shy and want you to work it out. An obvious green light for going forward is the woman removing your clothes throughout the process while you're removing hers. So by this time, you're generally both naked.

Cuddle her. Occasionally stop caressing and just give her a lovely naked cuddle. This feels fantastic, and also allows the sexual tension to relax a little. You get more sexual tension by escalating physical contact for a while and then backing off a bit, and then going back to more intense stroking again later. Take a step forward, and then back off a little; this applies every step of the way.

When you go back to stroking her body, keep getting closer to her genitals each time you stroke her hair, neck, shoulders, arms, breasts, hips and legs. Let her stroke, caress and arouse you too. Take note of the parts of her body that seem to make her particularly relaxed or aroused, and keep returning to them. Casually brush your hand past her labia (the lips that surround the vagina) each time you stroke her inner thighs. Spend increasingly more time exploring her pubic hair and labia as you alternate between touching her genitals and stroking the rest of her body. Lick and gently suck her nipples as you play between her legs with your hand. Kiss her gently on the lips and leave her wanting more.

Gently and slowly work your way in between her labia with your fingers. Explore the front of her vulva and find her clitoris. Tease her clitoris by running your finger over it very gently and briefly, then stroking back up to her breasts and shoulders. Avoid the temptation to charge straight for the clitoris too early, or to spend too long there. You want to tease her and have her almost begging for more so that she becomes turned on like crazy. Massage gently and slowly around the clitoris in a circular motion so that you're only just touching it or almost touching it.

The clitoris is extremely sensitive, and women find it painful if you touch it too hard or for too long. Try holding her clitoris gently between your thumb and forefinger occasionally and see how she reacts. Don't stay too long, and don't try and hold her clitoris if she clearly doesn't enjoy the sensation. Massage around the clitoris with different speeds and pressures to see what creates the deepest pleasure for her. Keep going back to stroke other parts of her body to create a yearning for more clitoral contact in her.

By now she should be very turned on and you'll feel wetness from her vagina every time you stroke between her labia. Use the moisture to lubricate your fingers as you gently massage her labia, vulva and clitoris. Slowly start to move your fingers in towards her vagina and run your finger teasingly around the opening just inside her vagina. It should be very wet. If not, stroke her body again and give more attention to kissing her gently and caressing her nipples. Go with the flow of doing what feels good for her, based on what she asks for or what seems to get a positive reaction from her. Ask her what she would like you to do occasionally but don't hound her with questions that make her feel like she has to perform for you. Some women love to be asked; some prefer you to work it out or to experiment with her.

If you are connected emotionally and she feels safe, the two of you will be able to experiment and discover what works for her and what works for you. If she's intolerant when you try something that doesn't work, you're either missing the connection or she's not the sort of woman you want to be with. Sex is a partnership and you learn what each other likes by experimenting and communicating with each other.

By now, she's practically begging for you to be inside her. You definitely need the condom on by now, if you're planning on using one. Try waiting until she actually says “I want you inside me!” before putting your penis inside her; many women are shy about this and waiting for her to ask means she's probably been wanting it for a while and is becoming extremely aroused with all the tension. It also means you can be certain she's ready.

Penetrate her vagina gently with your penis. Give her a brief taste of what it feels like and allow her to relax into the feeling for a little while, then take it out again and keep kissing and stroking her. Allow the sexual tension to increase again to a new height before penetrating her again. Go a little deeper and stay longer each time, then come back out and do more stroking. Keep repeating as she goes more and more crazy with excitement and desire. Whenever you feel that you're going to ejaculate inside her, pull back and go back to kissing and stroking her. Learn where your “edge” is beyond which you'll ejaculate and keep going up to that edge before pulling out of her and going back to cuddling, stroking and kissing. Keep repeating this process staying close to your edge until she orgasms, at which point you'll also orgasm and ejaculate.

Then hold her close, cuddle her, and fall asleep in each others arms. Or go back to stroking for another round. Whatever you're both up for.

Now of course there are a zillion variations on this script, and you don't want to do the same thing every time or it will become mechanical; but this should give you an idea. There are plenty of variations you can try and this is just a guide.

Given that women can have multiple orgasms, it can be nice to give her an orgasm by stimulating around her clitoris before penetrating her, and then arousing her again to the point where she orgasms with you inside her. Men can also orgasm more than once if you keep cuddling and kissing to relax after you ejaculate. With tantric practice you can even separate your orgasm from your ejaculation and last much longer. And don't get me started on variations like BDSM, which tend to require more trust and safety.

Generally, us guys find it hard to stay motivated once we ejaculate. It's better to focus on turning the woman on than on getting our happy ending. The longer you delay ejaculation, the longer you can both enjoy sex and the more intense your orgasms will be. Women take longer to warm up than we do, so take the time to enjoy the foreplay and the physical touch preceding penetration. Simultaneous orgasm is amazing when it happens, but when it doesn't it's generally better if the woman comes before you do.

Some women experience anxiety and frustration about orgasm. They may feel pressured if they think you're trying to make them come or perform for you. Orgasm isn't something a person does, it's something we experience. Focus on connecting to her, relaxing her and pleasuring her, not on needing her to come.

Sex works best when each person focuses on making the other person feel fantastic. If you're giving your all to your woman but she's not reciprocating, talk about it; perhaps there's something in the way for her. Be as generous as you can sexually, and find a woman who feels the same way and will treat you like a king while you treat her like a goddess.

I think that should alleviate my friend's frustration.

Graham Stoney

Graham Stoney

I struggled for years with low self-esteem, anxiety and a lack of self-confidence before finding a solution that really worked. I created The Confident Man Program to help other men live the life of their dreams. I also offer 1-on-1 coaching via Skype so if you related to this article contact me about coaching.


miguras diseno web · September 25, 2012 at 9:28 am

Great article, but I disagree with the next phrase "Sex works best when each person focuses on making the other person feel fantastic" I think that the sex is best when we focus in our own pleasure without forgot our partner. Our partner feel our own pleasure.

    Graham Stoney

    Graham Stoney · September 25, 2012 at 9:41 am

    Well sure you can just focus on your own pleasure, but then you're likely to lose connection with your partner. Try putting your attention on their pleasure next time and just see what happens. cheers, Graham

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