This is a guest post by sexologist Dr Laurel Steinberg.
I have had the pleasure of counseling men and couples on all topics related to sexuality and relationships. Men commonly report experiencing some form of sexual dysfunction with their partners at some point – the effects of these dysfunctions being quite varied. This problem is very interesting because wide-reaching negative effects can result if not dealt with well. I strive to teach men to channel their very best, confident selves to deal with this issue with ease.
Your response to sexual dysfunction will affect your partner’s response
For some men, experiencing premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction and/or delayed ejaculation can seem like the end of the world. They often recoil in fright and humiliation. Understandably, this severely negatively impacts the evening’s mood and trajectory. Their partners are often left “hanging,” feeling let down and worried that there is something off-putting about them to cause him to not work right.
In other instances, similar men who experience premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction and/or delayed ejaculation, are fortunate to have a completely different experience. These men create their own good fortune by making the occurrence into an official NBD (no big deal). They simply focus on engaging in mutual enjoyment with their partners, with the understanding that their penises are just one of the many tools (the others being their fingers, mouths, bodies, words and sex toys) that they can use to bring their partners sexual pleasure and orgasm.
For this second group of men, a wonderful sexual experience ensues.
It’s not that the second group of men have partners who are immune to noticing the issue(s). It’s just that varied male sexual performance is normalized by his lack of a negative response. They do not allow it to get in the way of achieving the ultimate goal: to luxuriate in their lovers’ arms and have a great time together. For those men whose dysfunction becomes more than an infrequent occurrence, it is a good idea for them to have a health checkup to rule out any rare, sinister medical concerns.
Sex therapists have spent years researching male sexual dysfunction and did find that there are evidence-based (and fun!) treatments for the dysfunctions. These include Sensate Focus for erectile dysfunction, the stop-start method for premature ejaculation and working to increase sensation and fantasy for delayed ejaculation. Men can then learn and practice these techniques on their own and with their partners. Infrequent dysfunction really is nothing to greatly mind and is more common than not. You just may not hear about it as much as sex therapists do! When in doubt, simply continue with working towards your goals of experiencing concomitant intimate pleasure.
Sure, your penis is great and all, but on the days when it is in an off mood, we just love a confident guy with enough figure-it-out-itude to keep things moving, exciting and feeling groovy. Promise. Touch us again. Get over here already. And YES!
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6 Comments
CT · April 12, 2019 at 11:49 am
Im currently going through this with my wife. I can’t seem to get out of that low feeling of disappointment and low self-esteem/confidence in myself to just perform. It has gotten gradually worse and well I’m searching high and low for answers and remedies to help get me back on my feet and my relationship back going in the right direction.
Graham Stoney · April 13, 2019 at 9:37 am
Is the low self-esteem/confidence just around sex with your wife, or is it also present in other areas of your life? If it’s effecting more than just your sex life, you might find assertiveness training helpful. Drop me a line if you’re interested in exploring this. Cheers, Graham
CT · April 14, 2019 at 12:01 am
It’s just in that specific moment. Confidence in other aspects of life do not involve functionality of my body so it does not affect me in that way anywhere else. I do however find that if a sindefil pill is taken that fear/confidence skyrockets. Id like to get to a point (like i was previously) where i can perfork on my own without fear of failure.
Graham Stoney · April 14, 2019 at 7:19 am
OK, I get that this is context-specific. I’d suggest talking through what goes through your mind when the fear comes up during sex with someone trained in sexual dysfunction like Laurel Steinberg, the author of this article. Cheers, Graham
Joshua Perkins · July 14, 2017 at 12:52 pm
I also agree with Dr. Steinberg. This is a topic that many men are afraid to talk about but it is so important to be able to have an open discussion with your partner. I applaud her for her direct and thorough article, which is timely and beautifully written. I will be sure to use these tips with my wife when this situation comes up.
jeff woodland · July 14, 2017 at 5:40 am
Great Article! I’ve been with my girlfriend for nearly a year now, and we’ve had those times where I couldn’t “perform”. Dr. Steinberg is right when she says the mood can either be saved or destroyed depending on how I react to the problem. I was pleasantly surprised by my girlfriend when I had one of those nights and, like Dr. Steinberg recommends, I didn’t make it a big deal. I laughed, looked her in the eye, and said “Tonight is your night” and I proceeded to make her feel good. The funny thing is, because I’m not as uptight about it when it happens, I find that she is more relaxed around me.