How To Stay Sane When You Work In I.T.

A career in Information Technology can be mentally stimulating and great for your bank balance, but may not be quite so ideal for your emotional and mental health. Computer engineering, software development, engineering, science or any I.T. related work is great for exercising your analytical skills, but it can leave the more primitive (read: more powerful) emotional parts of your brain under utilised.

As far back as 1979, Richard Bandler and John Grinder (the guys behind Neuro Linguistic Programming) wrote in their book Frogs Into Princes:

We come from California and the whole world out there is run by electronics firms. We have a lot of people who are called 'engineers,' and engineers typically at a certain point have to go to therapy. It's a rule, I don't know why, but they come in and they usually all say the same thing, they go:

Well, I could see for a long time how, you know, I was really climbing up and becoming successful and then suddenly, you know, when I began to get towards the top, I just looked around and my life looked empty. Can you see that? I mean, could you see what that would be like for a man of my age?'”

The writing was on the wall before my career as a computer engineer had even begun.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Deep Inner Game

What you get in the Deep Inner Game packageI've been watching David DeAngelo's Deep Inner Game program with Dr Paul, and it's really brilliant. The program is about developing the mindset that men need to be successful, particularly focused on women, dating and relationships. This mindset is often referred to as our “inner game”, and it really extends to the bigger picture of being confident and successful in life generally.

Here are some of the key things that I've learned:


Many of our problems in relating to other people are caused by having a weak psychological and emotional personal boundary, often viewed as having holes in our boundary.

Saying “No” is how we patch holes in our boundary.

Expressing preferences also helps build our boundary, and demonstrates it to other people. Women find this very attractive, even if their preferences differ from ours. If you're very bad at expressing preferences, you may feel like you don't have any; in which case you may need to start with arbitrary preferences. e.g. I love dogs, I hate cats.

Immature boundaries either have holes, or are thick and impermeable. Mature boundaries have doors that allow us to control what gets in and what does not.

Perfectionism is caused by a hole in our boundary, projecting our own faults and internal ideals out onto other people.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Being a Cool Guy who Doesn't Care about What Other People Think

Carol from Canberra turned up on the weekend with four of her girlfriends, in town to check out fashion week. So on Saturday night I met up with them in the city for dinner and some dancing afterwards. One of Carol's friends had had to go home early, and another guy named Terry tagged along who was a mutual friend of Andrea, one of the others.

We headed for dinner at Blackbird, a classy bar/cafe at Darling Harbour, the place to be in Sydney on a Saturday night. I sat opposite Carol, and next to her friend Jenni, who seemed like quite a live wire. Jenni was quite attractive, but seemed a little stand-offish and obtuse, so I started joking around with her and teasing her a bit, while also chatting with Carol. At one stage Jenni started complaining about running out of cigarettes, and asked "Do you know where to get cigarettes around here?"

"No, I don't. Are you a smoker?"

"Yeah, and I'm out of cigarettes. I want to get some cigarettes!!!", she protested

"Oh. I hate smokers.", I countered.

Jenni was a bit taken aback at this. But the truth is that I do hate smokers. Or more specifically, I hate it when people are smoking.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

You can Lead a Horse to Water, but You Can’t Make Him Drink

I learned a valuable lesson the other day:

I can't help guys that aren't serious about wanting help!

You see, I was chatting on MSN to a girl I'd dated recently, and she asked me:

“Graham, how is it that you have so many women interested in you?”

“Why do you ask?”, I replied

“Well, I have this friend who's really struggling to meet women. Can you help him?”

My natural reaction was to think “Sure, I love helping guys with this.” But somehow my gut instinct kicked in. Maybe it was the fact that this guy wasn't asking me directly, or perhaps it was just the phase of the moon. But something twigged in me and made me ask:

“Is he serious about this?”

“Yeah. Of course. Why do you think he wouldn't be???”

She seemed offended that I'd even considered the possibility that he might not be serious.

“OK then. Yes, as a matter of fact, I can help him...”

The girl knew that I was a writer, but while we were dating I'd never got around to telling her what I actually wrote about. I went on to explain that I had the perfect answer to her friend's question in the form of my book Confident Man.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Overcoming Limiting Beliefs

I was watching David DeAngelo's Advanced Dating Skills program the other day, and the topic of limiting beliefs was huge. A limiting belief is any belief that inhibits us from having what we want.

The reason that we don't have the success we would like all comes down to the way we behave, and this behavior is ultimately driven by our conscious and unconscious beliefs. Emotions play a big role too, and these are linked to our unconscious beliefs.

Limiting beliefs get learned through our experiences of life, and become built deep into our subconscious. They shape our default response to the world. Once any belief is acquired, our subconscious makes an automatic connection between what we observe in the world and the beliefs that we have, which makes these beliefs self-reinforcing.

We selectively gather evidence that supports our existing beliefs, strengthening them in the process; even if they aren't in our best interests. In some cases a limiting belief was in our best interests in the past, but is no longer working for us; in others, someone else has taught us a limiting belief in the past because it suited their agenda, and we took it on because we didn't know any better.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Wanna Hear an Inspiring Story?

My friend Stan rang last night to give me an update on how he's going with this whole life and dating thing. He recently turned 40, and has been single and frustrated for quite some time. But when I heard his speech at his 40th birthday party last year, I sensed that he was ready to make some changes in his life. He'd had enough of being miserable. He wasn't just going to sit back and keep feeling bitter, resentful or hurt about life any more. He was ready for some action.

So I sent Stan a draft copy of Confident Man as his birthday present. And to be honest, even I have been amazed at what this guy has been up to since then. In short, he's taking massive action, and already getting incredible results.

Flicking quickly through the program in the book, Stan is already well into implementing Steps 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 8, 9 and Skills 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 13. It's incredible. The program is deliberately ordered so you take the Steps and learn the Skills that make the biggest difference first. And that's exactly what he's doing. He's even doing some stuff I'd never thought of, that I'll have to put in the next edition.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago