Emotions

Learn to master your basic emotions: anger, fear, sadness, peace, love and joy.

Anxious Man

Telling The Truth About Anxiety

I had another reminder last night about the value of telling the truth for healing anxiety. This year has been a pretty rough one for me, with all sorts of anxiety exacerbated by chronic fatigue bubbling up in different situations. I’ve had a few conversations with my sister about it, who invited me to a talk at The Resilience Centre on overcoming anxious thinking which she wanted to attend because several of her friends suffer from anxiety. It turns out to be a common problem.

Anxious Man

Anxious Man (photo courtesy PhotoXpress)

Part of the talk used the analogy of a sailing ship with demons in the hold. When we sail towards the land representing our goals, sometimes the demons jump up on deck and start going crazy forcing us back out to sea. We often end up avoiding going after our goals to settle the demons back down; but we end up bored, restless and feeling unfulfilled. The key to reaching our goals when we’re feeling anxious is to take it one step at a time and learn to deal with the demons that come up without being overwhelmed. Each time we successfully sail closer to the land, the demons get a little quieter.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

How To Handle A Panic Attack

I have to admit to leading something of a double life: on the one hand I write about confidence, but I also suffer from panic attacks and anxiety. Having a panic attack is one of the most unpleasant experiences I’ve ever had, and even just mild anxiety can make life pretty painful. It’s not something I’d wish on my worst enemy. Well, maybe just on the really bad ones.

So here’s how to handle a panic or anxiety attack:

Recognize The Symptoms

Most people I know who suffer from anxiety or panic attacks didn’t recognize what was happening to them when they first had a panic attack. They were just going about their daily lives when suddenly: BAM! Their heart started racing, they were overwhelmed with fear, their bodies started shaking, they couldn’t concentrate, they became exhausted and just had to stop everything they were doing. Some thought they were dying, or were having a heart attack.

I was overseas traveling alone in France when I had my first full-blown panic attack, and the word “frightening” just doesn’t cut it. It was fucking terrifying, and I found myself throwing up out of sheer terror. Fortunately I had a sympathetic friend back home I could call, and recognized what was really going on.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

What To Do If You “Never Get Angry”

I know a lot of nice guys who say that they generally just don’t ever feel angry. I can relate to them, because I used to be exactly the same: I repressed my anger to the point where I didn’t even feel it any more. Yet certain situations would really bug me: when someone said or did something that should rightly have made me angry, I’d end up ruminating on it for hours, going over and over a conversation in my head replaying all the things I would have liked to have said until it drove me crazy. If only I had allowed myself to be angry! In fact, I was angry; but I just didn’t express it at the time and so I paid the price for it in self-recrimination later.

When we tell ourselves that we never get angry, we are just lying to ourselves. We’re playing the nice guy game to avoid conflict. And the problem with this is that we don’t end up standing up for ourselves. Feeling angry is normal: it’s an emotion that motivates us to stand up for what is important to us. If we repress our anger, we just end up angry with ourselves and that’s a recipe for misery and depression.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Do You Avoid Love For Fear Of Getting Hurt?

Everything we do is motivated by one of two things: seeking pleasure or avoiding pain. It’s not entirely black and white since sometimes it’s a mix of both, but usually one or the other is the dominant factor. Some of us tend to be more motivated by pleasure and others more motivated by pain.

Our actions are always motivated by how we expect to feel, and this basically comes down to pleasure versus pain. Yet the two go hand-in-hand: many of the most pleasurable experiences in life involve the risk of pain.

Another way of looking at this is love versus fear. We’re either acting out of love, or we’re acting out of fear. Perhaps it’s a combination of the two. Often we’re not even aware of the underlying motivation but if we look closely we can see that it’s usually one or the other.

Acting out of love means being vulnerable and since this exposes us to the risk of painful rejection we often don’t want to risk it. It seems easier and feels safer to be defensive and act out of fear. But when we do this we miss out on loving and being loved. Our willingness to risk being vulnerable determines how much love we get.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Music For When You Feel Depressed

When you’re feeling low, listening to music that describes exactly how you feel can help you get more deeply in touch with, and hence process, your raw emotions. So long as you avoid creating a story about why you feel bad that just reinforces the feeling, listening to music you can relate to can help you to move on from unpleasant feelings.

Here’s a list of my favorite music for when I’m feeling sad, depressed or discouraged:

Soul Asylum: Misery

Misery loves company. Great for relating to frustration.

Linkin Park: Somewhere I Belong

If you’re feeling lost and just don’t seem to fit in, you’ll relate to this one.

Evanescence: Going Under

For when you’re feeling overwhelmed, like you’re drowning.

Lily Allen: The Fear

Feeling anxious? You might as well acknowledge it… other people will be able to relate too.

Eminem: Lose Yourself

We all struggle with self-doubt from time to time. Just remember: success is my only motherfucking option, failure’s not.

Gwen Steffani: What You Waiting For?

You’ve felt bad for long enough now; take some action to change it. What are you waiting for?

Add Yours

How about you? Do you have a favorite song for for when you’re feeling low?… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Music To Make You Happy When You Feel Sad

When you’re feeling sad, listening to positive, encouraging music can help you break out of it.

Here’s my favorite music for turning sadness into happiness and optimism:

Chumbawumba: Tubthumping

I get knocked down. But I get up again. No, you’re never gonna keep me down. Words to live by.

Paul Colman Trio: Turn

Gotta turn this life around, turn this life around. Catchy jingle about beating hard times, if you can ignore the kitsch religious undertones.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8DbWe_6N5kM

Steve Winwood: While You See A Chance

While you see a chance, take it! Great advice Steve.

En Vogue: Free Your Mind

Confidence is a lot about how you think. Free your mind!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-Ri0Tk8WQI

David Guetta featuring Kelly Roland: When Love Takes Over

Want to feel more love in your life? Get it here.

Dutch featuring Crystal Waters: My Time

This is my time, this is my time.

Jimmy Cliff: I Can See Clearly Now

A classic song for emerging from difficult times.

KT Tunstall: Suddenly I See

For that “Aha!” moment, when you realise you’ve now got the confidence you always wanted.

Vanessa Amorosi: Shine

Everyone’s gonna shine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nkza-tP1THw

Steve Winwood: Back In The High Life

That’s where you’re going to be: Back in the high life again.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Music To Help You Feel Confident

Music is a great way to change your emotional state, helping you feel more positive and confident. Listening to your favorite uplifting music naturally puts you in a good mood and helps you feel confident.

Here’s a list of favorite music I keep on my MP3 player to help me feel confident:

Bon Jovi: It’s My Life

It’s your life, and you can do with it whatever you like. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

No Doubt: It’s My Life

No Doubt’s take on the same theme.

Survivor: Eye Of The Tiger

Classic track for getting pumped up. I know pick-up artists who advise students to listen to this before [intlink id=”492″ type=”post”]hitting the clubs to meet women[/intlink] on a Saturday night.

Kenny Loggins: Danger Zone

Picture yourself on the back of a motorcycle riding along beside the airport, ala Tom Cruise. Works every time.

Van Halen: Jump

If this doesn’t get your heart going, check that you’ve still got a pulse.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlq0lYB3iSM

The Bee Gees: Stayin’ Alive

This is a great one for learning to swagger along the street confidently. Put your headphones on and practice walking along as if you’re John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.

Yes: Owner Of A Lonely Heart

I don’t know exactly why, but this one totally works for me too.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

The 10 Secret Keys To Happiness

Many people are looking for the answer to the basic question: how to be happy?

We all want to enjoy life and avoid suffering, but there’s more to it than just that. So here are my 10 secret keys to happiness:

#1: Make A Difference To Other People

No man is an island. We’re all biologically wired to live in community, and to make a contribution to the greater good. Of course we’re also wired for self-protection and to get our personal needs met, but millions of years of evolutionary development living in tribes means that we can’t do this in isolation. Loneliness is one stark reminder of this that motivates us to reconnect with our fellow man.

If you make yourself the center of the universe, and your life solely about meeting your own needs, you create personal misery. At the other end of the spectrum, martyrdom will make you bitter and resentful. The primary key to happiness is to find ways to make a positive difference to other people in a way that energizes you without depleting you.

#2: Use Your Gifts, Talents and Passion

To be energized in the long haul while you’re busy making a difference to other people, you need to be utilizing your unique gifts and talents in ways that you feel passionate about.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

How to Manage Stress

Stress is the unspoken epidemic of the 21st century. There’s too much to do, too much pressure, too many people to please. We feel restless, tense and on edge much of the time. You can’t relax. After a while, you begin to think that this is normal; the way you’re supposed to feel all the time. You get addicted to your own adrenalin.

You never take the time to even breathe properly. You push, and push, and push as though your life depends on doing what you think you need to do. There’s never enough time. And when your current project is done, there’s always a new one to work on. The pressure never ends. You get headaches frequently, but push on regardless.

Left untreated, chronic stress will destroy your health and rob you of your zest for life. Eventually you burn out, give up, fall ill, get depressed and just don’t care any more. It’s important to learn how to manage stress before that happens. Here are some tips on how to do it:

Take Regular Breaks

Your body isn’t built to handle the non-stop adrenaline rush of chronic stress. If you live in a constantly adrenalin charged state, eventually your health will suffer.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

How to Heal Emotional Pain

Traumatic or emotionally painful events in our past can leave us with emotionally charged memories that get triggered whenever we find ourselves in similar circumstances later in life. This will undermine your confidence in these situations, as the powerful emotions triggered quickly become overwhelming even though there’s no real threat present.

Crying heals the emotional pain of past trauma

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By Graham Stoney, ago