How to Recover from a Critical Parent

Having one or more critical parents can put a sledgehammer through your childhood confidence and leave effects lasting long into adulthood. If your father or mother responded with criticism and judgment instead of joy and delight when you did what came naturally, you may have felt as if there was something wrong with you and internalized their critical voice inside your head. You learned to hold back and now every time you step out of line or go to express yourself naturally, you rebuke yourself first instead. This will seriously undermine your self-confidence and your relationships with other people… especially women.

But there is hope. Here’s How to Recover From a Critical Parent:

Understand That Criticism Is About Projection and Loneliness

Critical people are stuck in a perpetual vicious cycle of projection, pain, loneliness and disconnection. They’ve been hurt at some point in the past when they felt vulnerable and they’re still carrying this wound in their psyche. Often they’re afraid of facing the pain they feel around this and don’t know how to deal with the unpleasant emotions involved, or perhaps they aren’t even consciously aware of it. The criticism that pushes people away further prevents them from experiencing the deep connections with others that would reduce their loneliness and heal the very hurt they are avoiding by criticizing others.… Continue reading…

The Simple Secret to Self-Esteem

Most of my life I’ve struggled with finding self-esteem and although my life is still a work-in-progress, I believe I’ve finally discovered the simple secret to self-esteem. I could write a book on it, but I think the shorter the book the more powerful it would be and I can cover the whole deal in one short article. As a bonus, I’m even going to throw in the cure for loneliness. So here goes:

Self-esteem is really about self-acceptance. This needs to come from within us, because when our self-acceptance is based on external reinforcement we are always at the mercy of circumstances outside our control such as other people’s opinions and random events in our life.

Our deepest, most powerful internal experience of ourselves comes from how we feel. While we aren’t our feelings, they are a true reflection of our core experience in any moment.

We also have a fundamental need as humans to connect with other people, so our ability to connect in general has a huge impact on the way we see ourselves. While we don’t want our self-esteem to be dependent on what other people think or feel about us, connecting with other people fulfills this basic need and gives us a powerful emotional reinforcement.… Continue reading…

Courage, Vulnerability and Connection vs Shame and Guilt

I’m a big fan of TED talks, and I love the speakers who have the confidence and courage to talk directly from the heart. One of my favorites in Brené Brown’s speech The Power Of Vulnerability, which you may have heard me rave about before. Every time I watch this speech, I find it connects me to a deeper to my own feelings of fear and shame around being vulnerable.

I’m still working on overcoming my deeply rooted fear of other people knowing how I’m feeling, and for me this is the essence of vulnerability. Watching this speech moves me to tears and I know that means that I’m healing my own fear and shame around feeling vulnerable in the past, which leaves me feeling more confident for the future. Which is why I keep coming back to this talk every few months for more.

Brene’s research into human connection and vulnerability led her to explore the emotions of guilt, and it’s rarely discussed cousin: shame.

Connection with others gives purpose and meaning to our lives. It’s why we’re here. When you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak. When you ask people about connection, they tell you about disconnection.… Continue reading…

Sacred Sexual Healing

Sacred sexual healers deal with psychological, emotional and physical issues on a sexual and spiritual level. They harness the intense power of our sexuality to heal emotional wounds, and they handle sexual issues directly often by dealing with the guilt, fear and shame that many of us have around sex.

You visit either a Daka (male) or Dakini (female) sacred sexual healer and participate in healing rituals that vary according to what they sense your underlying issues are.

For example say your lack of confidence is causing, or caused by, sexual dysfunction. A Dakini can help you by going all the way through the sexual process with you and identifying any potential points at which you might be getting anxious, or any other issues that might be coming up for you. This is better than dealing with your sexual issues by practicing on unsuspecting women you meet, who haven’t agreed to be used for that.

Advantages:

  • You learn to set boundaries

  • Great at dealing with guilt, fear and shame

  • Harness the power of sexuality for healing purposes

  • The healer may be willing to go places nobody else will

  • Liberate sexual tension from your body

Disadvantages:

  • Sacred Sexual healers aren’t licensed therapists

  • About as extreme and non-mainstream as therapy can get.

Continue reading…

Music For When You Feel Depressed

When you’re feeling low, listening to music that describes exactly how you feel can help you get more deeply in touch with, and hence process, your raw emotions. So long as you avoid creating a story about why you feel bad that just reinforces the feeling, listening to music you can relate to can help you to move on from unpleasant feelings.

Here’s a list of my favorite music for when I’m feeling sad, depressed or discouraged:

Soul Asylum: Misery

Misery loves company. Great for relating to frustration.

Linkin Park: Somewhere I Belong

If you’re feeling lost and just don’t seem to fit in, you’ll relate to this one.

Evanescence: Going Under

For when you’re feeling overwhelmed, like you’re drowning.

Lily Allen: The Fear

Feeling anxious? You might as well acknowledge it… other people will be able to relate too.

Eminem: Lose Yourself

We all struggle with self-doubt from time to time. Just remember: success is my only motherfucking option, failure’s not.

Gwen Steffani: What You Waiting For?

You’ve felt bad for long enough now; take some action to change it. What are you waiting for?

Add Yours

How about you? Do you have a favorite song for for when you’re feeling low?… Continue reading…

Using Tantra to Develop Your Masculine Confidence

I’ve been interested lately in how Tantra can help me take my own confidence to new levels, and recently interviewed Tantric Practitioner David Anderson from TantricBlossoming.com to discuss how you can use Tantric techniques to boost your sexual confidence and become more confident in relationships with women generally.

Many men are afraid of women and don’t show up as a masculine man around women. We’re often particularly afraid of women’s emotions, and this all stems from being stuck emotionally back with mum. When we were a boy we sought love from our mother, and the fear was that if mum didn’t love us we’d be alone and we’d die, so we did anything we could to get love and attention from her.

We run stories about our mother in our heads that keep us stuck in this pattern which we project onto all the other women in our life. The most powerful way to break out of these stories is to be honest with ourselves and our mothers about how we felt towards her growing up. When we start taking responsibility for our mother issues we start attracting different women into our life.

Women often put men to the test to see what we’re made of and whether they can trust us.… Continue reading…

How to Attract Women without Being Fake

If the idea of learning a bunch of canned routines and fake stories grates on you like it does on me, you’ll want to listen to this interview by Leigh Louey-Gung from AttractionInstitute.org on how you can attract women by being real. Leigh’s free ebook Seduction Community Sucks really blew me away by highlighting how a lot of material from the pick-up community actually lowers your self-esteem by teaching you that you have to project a fake facade in order to get the women that you want interested in you.

There’s no doubt that techniques like those in Neil Strauss’s book The Game work if you’re prepared to do all the hard work of learning how to lie, cheat and manipulate women into bed with you. But presenting a false personality can never lead to the genuine connection that we all really want deep down. So if you don’t want to go down that route and yet what you’re currently doing isn’t working, what’s the alternative?

Change the way that you bridge the gap between how you feel and how you want to feel. For instance, rather than using women to try and make yourself feel powerful, gain a sense of personal power by constantly and systematically pushing through fear in every area of your life.… Continue reading…

How to Meet Women During the Day

One of my goals is to get really confident at meeting women during the day. I’m not a big fan of nightclubs with loud blaring music, and the idea of being able to approach attractive women I see going about their daily routines in a relaxed manner really appeals to me. I figure that once I learn to approach women confidently, I can travel the world and never be wanting for female company.

My friend Jack from SucceedAtDating.com is an expert on meeting women during the day, also known as day game. He coaches other men on how to successfully approach and start conversations with women while they’re out and about. I’ve just interviewed him for The Confident Man Program, and here are the main points I learned from Jack about day game:

  • It’s easier than you think.

  • Any skill takes time to master, and approaching women is no different.

  • Stop reading books, e-books and watching videos. You know enough already.

  • Get out there and keep it simple. Take action. Start approaching every day.

  • Take baby steps. Be patient with yourself and you’ll get there.

  • Make it a habit.

  • Always be curious, fun and playful. Don’t make this a chore!

Continue reading…