Graham Stoney

I struggled for years with low self-esteem, anxiety and a lack of self-confidence before finding a solution that really worked. I created The Confident Man Program to help other men live the life of their dreams. I also offer 1-on-1 coaching via Skype so if you related to this article contact me about coaching.

Music To Make You Happy When You Feel Sad

When you’re feeling sad, listening to positive, encouraging music can help you break out of it.

Here’s my favorite music for turning sadness into happiness and optimism:

Chumbawumba: Tubthumping

I get knocked down. But I get up again. No, you’re never gonna keep me down. Words to live by.

Paul Colman Trio: Turn

Gotta turn this life around, turn this life around. Catchy jingle about beating hard times, if you can ignore the kitsch religious undertones.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8DbWe_6N5kM

Steve Winwood: While You See A Chance

While you see a chance, take it! Great advice Steve.

En Vogue: Free Your Mind

Confidence is a lot about how you think. Free your mind!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-Ri0Tk8WQI

David Guetta featuring Kelly Roland: When Love Takes Over

Want to feel more love in your life? Get it here.

Dutch featuring Crystal Waters: My Time

This is my time, this is my time.

Jimmy Cliff: I Can See Clearly Now

A classic song for emerging from difficult times.

KT Tunstall: Suddenly I See

For that “Aha!” moment, when you realise you’ve now got the confidence you always wanted.

Vanessa Amorosi: Shine

Everyone’s gonna shine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nkza-tP1THw

Steve Winwood: Back In The High Life

That’s where you’re going to be: Back in the high life again.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

My Wicked, Wicked Ways by Errol Flynn

If there’s one theme that shines through from legendary actor and ladies’ man Errol Flynn’s autobiography My Wicked, Wicked Ways, it’s his complete lack of shame in going after what he wanted. He loved the company of beautiful women, and his swashbuckling movie persona ensured that he had more attention from them than he could handle. Yet even before becoming famous, it seemed that he had something that women wanted and they were happy for him to seduce them so they could have a taste of it.

Flynn’s sense of adventure and willingness to take risks seems to lie at the heart of what made him so appealing to women. He was unashamedly sexual with women, getting into more than the odd spot of bother and ending up accused of statutory rape after some under-age actress with starry eyes got involved with him. Or at least, that’s his version of the story. Perhaps it was part of a conspiracy against him, or maybe they just regretted it later and wanted revenge.

“I like to enjoy the thrill of living every day; every hour of the day. For we are only here this once, and let’s feel the wind while we may.”
– Errol Flynn, My Wicked, Wicked Ways (more…)

By Graham Stoney, ago

Rejection Isn’t About You

Dealing with “rejection” is one of the hardest things for many of us to learn, especially when we lack deep inner confidence. It’s taken a long time for me to get a handle on, but I’m definitely getting better at handling rejection these days.

At a recent Love, Intimacy and Sexuality workshop run by The Human Awareness Institute, I found myself dealing with rejection right from the word go. Our very first task was to choose a buddy for the weekend, and I immediately found myself drawn to the most attractive woman in the room.

Problem was, so was another guy. And she chose him over me.

Ouch!

Before I knew it, that story was running in my head about other guys being better than me in some way: more attractive, sexier, more desirable. But the good thing was that the voice telling the story wasn’t as loud as it used to be, and the unpleasant feeling it created in me wasn’t as overwhelming. I’d been “rejected” in favor of another guy, but I was doing OK.

The very next exercise involved picking a partner, and again the same woman sprang straight to mind. I knew if I didn’t act immediately, that voice in my head would start making up a big dramatic story about how she’d already rejected me once and so she obviously didn’t like me.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Harry Potter and the Path of Confidence

You might think that the Harry Potter series are just children’s books, but there’s plenty of adult wisdom in them if you look more closely. Their incredible popularity means that they’ve obviously struck a chord with millions of children and adults alike. So what can we learn from Harry Potter about the Path of Confidence?

Warning: contains minor spoilers…

You’re A Wizard

In Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, Harry learns that he’s a wizard. He just didn’t realize because he’s been brought up as an orphan in a family of muggles (non-wizards). It’s a similar situation to many other men I know who lack confidence: we were brought up in families with low self-esteem and poor communication skills, and we internalized this believing there was something wrong with us.

You’re a wizard too. You just don’t realize because your unique gifts weren’t valued in the environment where you grew up. Once Harry enrolls in Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry, he’s finally in the right environment to flourish and discovers that he’s already famous. It’s the same for you: once you realize that you’re a wizard and get into the right environment, you’ll flourish and your old feelings of lacking confidence will be a distant memory.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

How to Resolve an Argument with Your Mother

I just got this question about resolving an argument with your mother in response to my article on How to Recover From a Controlling Mother. Steve asks:

I just got off the phone with my mother who was berating me because I had not responded in a timely fashion to an email, which made her ashamed and disappointed. I went to my computer and looked up “how to deal with a controlling mother”. Your article looked interesting so I began to read it, and as I did my eyes opened up as if you were speaking directly to me! I would love to speak with her about these things, and also with my father, but her defense is locked down tight: she is a psychologist of many years, and would just discredit anything I had to say. She also insists that my father would not want to talk to me about anything on an emotional level (he really doesn’t like to be dragged in between us), and therefore I shouldn’t bother. I also run the risk of making her angry, which is VERY easy to do, and then I worry that I’m hurting her. Just writing this really exposes to myself the psychological mire I exist in… Advice?… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

How to Handle a Woman’s Tests

Women put men to the test all the time. Consciously and unconsciously, women are always sussing out what you’re made of and whether you have what it takes to protect her in the big wild world. This is important to her because when you really man-up, she gets to relax and play more; which is what she really wants.

Many women throw tests at men without even realizing that they’re doing it. I’ve had a lot of conversations with women lately about this and often they’re fascinated by the whole concept. They don’t even know that they’ve been doing it all their lives, and sometimes strongly deny throwing tests at men entirely… unaware that they’re throwing me a test in the process.

I remember when I first started spotting this dynamic between men and women, I often saw it in acting class when other students were improvising. A woman would walk on stage and say something derogatory to a man, and the man would usually act like a wounded child; thus failing the test. I’d be watching thinking “It’s just a test! Don’t collapse!” The guy didn’t realize that it was a test, and the scene would go downhill as she lost any attraction towards him.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

How to Develop Your Masculinity

Being a man in today’s world can be a challenge. Fortunately there are a lot of resources out there that can help get us in touch with the masculinity at our core and be more confident and effective in the world.

Between fellow course junkie Dunstan Bertschinger and I, we’ve explored a bunch of books, courses and workshops that have helped us get in touch with our intuition, emotions, and inner magician. Dunstan is a swimming coach who helps his clients gain confidence by developing their relationship with the water. He sees learning to swim as a metaphor for finding your place in the world: you can relax and trust the water to support you, or you can struggle to stay afloat.

Here’s a podcast conversation between the two of us discussing several courses and workshops we’ve found helpful lately for developing confidence and getting in touch with our masculinity. Some of the themes we cover:

  • The real meaning of confidence
  • Opening your heart to receiving from others
  • Being real with women and other people
  • The problem with being nice when we’re inauthentic
  • Giving up perfectionism
  • Transforming emotional wounds into personal power
  • The power of naming your fears
  • Your thoughts and feelings are not real
  • The secrets of personal magic/alchemy
  • Overcoming creepiness
  • Reversing our childhood conditioning and being honest
  • Overturning negative beliefs

It’s real, it’s raw, and you can preview it by clicking the play button:

… Continue reading…
By Graham Stoney, ago

How To Be Funny

Learning to be funny can help you to be confident and there are plenty of advantages: you make other people feel good around you, become popular, and attractive. Women consistently say that they love a guy with a sense of humor, so it’s worth taking some time developing yours and learning to be funny.

I’ve always been a pretty funny guy; my sense of humor developed for coping with boring schoolroom classes where I’d constantly be making funny comments to keep myself and the other kids amused. Needless to say, I got sent out a lot. Even years later when working as an Engineer, I couldn’t help but put funny footnotes in technical documents. My inner comedian was bursting to get out and now I’m even studying stand-up comedy.

But even if you’ve never seen yourself as funny, it’s definitely a skill that you can learn to develop. You’ll love the satisfaction you get when you make people laugh; any comedian will tell you that this is the best drug out there. So here are my tips on how to be funny:

Notice What Amuses You

All good humor is based in truth. Start by noticing what amuses you, and work with that.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

How To Be Popular

I hardly need to spell out the advantages being popular: more friends, a wider social circle, [intlink id=”33″ type=”page”]greater confidence[/intlink], more people to play and have fun with, and more women to choose from when dating. Being popular can either be superficial like Glinda in the musical Wicked, or a deeper trait based on being an all-round great guy. I’d suggest going for the deeper version every time.

With that in mind, here are tips on how to be popular:

Make Other People Feel Good

Popular people love making other people feel good because it’s more fun having fun with other people than doing it by yourself. Learn how to make other people feel good by being around you, and they’ll want to be around you more and more. Pretty simple, really.

Learn How To Make Other People Laugh

Making other people laugh is a great way to make them feel good. Develop your sense of humor and learn to express the quirky, amusing thoughts that go through your head. Learn to tell stories that amuse other people, show off your strengths, and make them laugh. If you don’t consider yourself funny, read books on stand-up comedy and learn the secrets that comedians know about how to make other people laugh.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Music To Help You Feel Confident

Music is a great way to change your emotional state, helping you feel more positive and confident. Listening to your favorite uplifting music naturally puts you in a good mood and helps you feel confident.

Here’s a list of favorite music I keep on my MP3 player to help me feel confident:

Bon Jovi: It’s My Life

It’s your life, and you can do with it whatever you like. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

No Doubt: It’s My Life

No Doubt’s take on the same theme.

Survivor: Eye Of The Tiger

Classic track for getting pumped up. I know pick-up artists who advise students to listen to this before [intlink id=”492″ type=”post”]hitting the clubs to meet women[/intlink] on a Saturday night.

Kenny Loggins: Danger Zone

Picture yourself on the back of a motorcycle riding along beside the airport, ala Tom Cruise. Works every time.

Van Halen: Jump

If this doesn’t get your heart going, check that you’ve still got a pulse.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlq0lYB3iSM

The Bee Gees: Stayin’ Alive

This is a great one for learning to swagger along the street confidently. Put your headphones on and practice walking along as if you’re John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.

Yes: Owner Of A Lonely Heart

I don’t know exactly why, but this one totally works for me too.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago