A lot of guys who are confident and capable in most areas of life still struggle when it comes to meeting and relating to women confidently. Just because you're good at your job, successful in business, sport or hobbies doesn't necessarily mean you'll be confident with women.

On the other hand, confidence with women does tend to flow over into every other area of your life. It's just one of those fundamental things that effects your whole life when you master it. So here's how to relate to women confidently:

Ask Yourself What You Really Want From Women

What is it you're really looking for from women anyway? Is it love, intimacy, sex or a relationship? Or are you really seeking validation and approval from them, trying to compensate for a lack of true self-esteem? Most guys who struggle to feel confident with women are still trying to make up for childhood love we didn't get from our mothers or stability we didn't get from our fathers. If you had an emotionally disconnected mother, or a passive or emotionally unstable father, this can undermine your self-esteem and show up as nervousness around women.

If you have mother or father issues that are unresolved, get some emotional healing so you don't carry this emotional baggage straight into your next interaction with a woman. Look for other ways to get your underlying emotional needs met to free yourself up to be more calm, relaxed and fun around women.

Let Go Of Your Expectations

Any time we bring expectations of how we want an interaction with a woman to go, we put unnecessary pressure on both ourselves, and on her. If you are attached to making her like you, getting her into bed with you, walking her down the isle, or turning her into your willing tantric sex slave: you're going to feel more nervous and she's going to sense that something is up. Expectations diminish joy and spontaneity. Women don't like to be pressured; they like to be made to feel comfortable so they can relax and let their inner girl come out to play.

Reduce the pressure by letting go of your expectations on women. Adopt the intention of having fun, engaging interactions with women and allow them to surprise you with how they respond. Learn to let go. Focus on how you can make her have a relaxed, enjoyable time around you rather than on getting what you want from her. Learn to give joy and pleasure to women and don't get attached to getting any particular response from any particular woman; no matter how attractive she may be. This becomes easier over time as you relax more and more around women, and realize that there really are plenty of fish in the sea.

Engage Emotionally Instead Of Intellectually

The biggest mistake men make with women is trying to connect with them on a purely intellectual level. Women are emotional beings by nature, and seek deep emotional connections. Actually, men are too but we've typically been socialized to suppress this side of us and often had it beaten out of us while growing up. Plus our brains are just wired differently: women get turned on by feeling something, not by thinking. If you want to connect with a woman, you have to learn to make her feel good when she's around you.

Rather than trying to get women to like you, focus on making them feel good. It's not about you; it's about them. Adopt the attitude that your mission in life is to make other people feel good. Not just women; learn to make everyone feel good. Then when you come across a woman you're attracted to all you have to do is keep doing the same as you always do. By then it will feel natural.

Learn to Tell Funny, Engaging Stories

The obvious way to make someone feel good is to make them laugh with a funny and engaging story. Develop your sense of humor while also learning what makes other people laugh. Study comedy. Read books on the topic, and learn how it works. Share observations which make you laugh with other people. Get in touch with your authentic funny side that you may have been suppressing up till now.

Learn how to tell personal stories about you which are funny and show off your best attributes. Don't tell jokes; they almost always make you look lame. Especially avoid jokes which appeal primarily to men. Learn the difference between guy humor and girl humor. Avoid other people's stories too; you need to be in the story. Choose true stories that paint you in a cool, fun, positive light and that place you outside the average man's comfort zone. And don't tone it down and start playing safe just because you're around a women you're attracted to.

Put Your Attention On Other People

When our attention is on ourselves, we naturally feel self-conscious and our social interactions don't flow well. Women are particularly sensitive to this. Learn to focus your attention on the woman when you meet her. Really listen to what she says, and see if you can find connections to her earlier thoughts and feelings later on in the conversation. Throwing in seemingly unrelated connections to earlier discussions is what comedians call call-backs and they're powerful because they're both funny and build rapport at the same time. It shows that you're actually listening; something most guys aren't good at.

Slow the whole interaction down. Don't rush. Spend less of your time thinking of what to say, and more time paying attention to what the woman is saying, doing and feeling. Ask open-ended questions that encourage her to talk about herself. If you run out of things to say, comment on something interesting she's wearing, or objects in your environment. Chances are you're already making amusing observations in your head but you're just not sharing them with her. Focus your attention mainly on her and a little on what's going on around you, and less on yourself.

Learn to Flirt

Women love guys who flirt in a playful, gently teasing, unselfconscious way. Everyone loves being in the company of people who we can truly relax around, and this is especially true with women. When you make them feel comfortable, their playful side gets to come out. Being playfully flirtatious yourself is the secret to putting a woman at ease. They don't want to see your serious side all the time, especially when they first meet you. Combine your sense of humor, your attitude of making other people feel good, and your great listening skills with a little playful teasing, and you're on your way to being an awesome flirt who women will want to be around.

See Skill 2 in Confident Man for more on learning to flirt.

Practice With Everyone You Meet

Being fun, playful and engaging isn't something you can just switch on when an attractive woman comes along if you're not used to doing it regularly. That's when you're likely to be the most nervous. You need to make all of this your default behavior. So practice making everyone you meet feel good, especially women you interact with. Practice on your friends, your colleagues, your sisters, your nieces, your grandmother, the old lady at the supermarket; even your own mother. Be a fun guy to be around generally, and start engaging with everyone to make them feel good. Practice being fun, playful and cool with men too. Show leadership in making a whole group feel good, and women will notice.

Once you adopt making other people feel good as a permanent way of being, you'll find women responding to you very differently. This is what women really mean when they talk about "being yourself": being your authentically fun, playful self around them and not trying to fake it. If you're not used to exposing your fun side when you're around women, you'll need to practice for a while before it feels natural. Don't leave it until you're actually talking to an attractive women before you start being fun and playful, or you'll feel awkward which she'll sense immediately.

Act As-If You Already Are Confident

Imagine how you would act if you were, in fact, already supremely confident with women. You'd look forward to meeting women and engaging in fun conversations with them. You'd make warm, direct, friendly eye contact that feels natural and non-threatening. Your body language would be open, inviting and relaxed. You would smile naturally when you met a woman you found attractive and/or interesting. You'd be fun, playful and engaging. You'd love the thrill of the chase, and the challenge of connecting with a really cool, beautiful woman. You would walk confidently and recognize your true value. You would understand that you are the prize, and that women can't wait to meet you. Most of all, you'd feel completely comfortable and confident in yourself around women.

Start adopting some of these traits in the way you interact with women, even if they don't feel natural to you at first. Any time we step outside our comfort zone, it can feel a little uncomfortable until we fully integrate the new behavior. Do it anyway. Over time you'll realize that you've actually been suppressing your fun, playful, confident side around women and the more this side of you is let out to play, the more confident you will feel. This is part of the process of getting in touch with your true self which is naturally attractive to women.

Build Your Core Confidence

Women are generally much more perceptive in social situations than men are, so attempting to "fake it until you make it" will only get you so far. Ultimately you want to build your core confidence so that women you meet will want to get to know you on a deeper level and stick around. The way to do this is to progressively expand your comfort zone over a period of time, especially where there are women around. The program in the Confident Man ebook is designed to do exactly this; most of the activities are deliberately set in environments where single women tend to hang out. You can't help meeting interesting women by doing this program, so you get to kill two birds with one stone by building both your core confidence and your confidence with women at the same time. Buy Confident Man here.

Graham Stoney

Graham Stoney

I struggled for years with low self-esteem, anxiety and a lack of self-confidence before finding a solution that really worked. I created The Confident Man Program to help other men live the life of their dreams. I also offer 1-on-1 coaching via Skype so if you related to this article contact me about coaching.


Matt · March 7, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Learning to flirt is magnificent advice, Graham.

At the risk of sounding sexiest I would also advise flirting left, right and centre even with girls that you find attatractive. Don't lead them on but in order to master the timing and flow that is expert flirting it certainly won't hurt to spend some time laying a little 'charm' down on a girl you have ZERO interest in 😛

Baby steps 😉

Comments are closed.