How To Find And Keep True Love

With Valentine’s Day coming up I thought I’d review David DeAngelo’s program Love The Final Chapter, which could otherwise be titled How To Find And Keep True Love.

Love Is Real

David had a series of realizations as he evolved over time which for me boil down to worthiness. When you don’t feel worthy, you need a lot of tools and techniques to attract women. Learning these tools can help develop a sense of worthiness but ultimately they need to be dispensed with to create a truly loving relationship.

Love is Real

Radical Honesty

I was excited to hear Dr Brad Blanton, the author of one of my favorite books Radical Honesty, speaking on the program.

The main thing that gets in the way of love is your own mind. Love happens when you get out of your own way. Our mind is not all it’s cracked up to be. What counts in relationship is not what you think it’s what you notice internally and externally. When you lose your mind you come to your senses. To get out of your mind just say what you notice. Most people don’t do this because they feel ashamed.

When you experience an experience it comes and goes. When you resist your experience it persists.

A powerful relationship happens when two people each take full responsibility for their own happiness, and invite each other to contribute. Your capacity for intimacy has to do with your ability to stay present with your experience. Withholding is the biggest form of lying that there is.

Our relationship with women is a version of our relationship with our mother. To have a powerfully intimate relationship with a woman we need to have done completion work with our mother.

Who you are is not your reputation. It takes the pressure of if you realize that who you are is a being who has the capacity to notice. You are not what you imagine other people think about you.

Free Attention

Nathan Otto spoke about the importance of values, sufficiency and free attention. Nathan was mentored by David Deida, author of The Way Of The Superior Man. He recommends we consciously define sufficiency for happiness. Having a feeling of sufficiency in important areas of our life frees up our attention.

Free attention corresponds to love and attracts a better mate. It also gives us a sense of connection to something greater than ourselves. If you cultivate just a little more attention that most people, you occur as a superman. More evolved men attract more evolved women.

We can use our body and sensory awareness to train our attention. Avoid clenching physically and emotionally against circumstances we dislike. At the same time we can develop our will to get what we want.

Evolutionary Psychology

Geoffrey Miller, author of The Mating Mind spoke about the significance of evolutionary psychology. Sex and reproduction were not always linked. The importance of sexual and social selection in evolution. If you’re not tuned in to signalling you’ll miss about half of the action.

Conspicuous waste, precision and novelty indicates excess resources and makes a male more attractive in both animals and humans.

However you don’t need to be an alpha male to attract women; it’s part of our biology. Humor is an indication of intelligence and intelligence is attractive. Lap dancers who take the pill undermine their annual income by about $20,000. You need to know this to find love.

The Triune Brain Model

We have three levels in our brain: reptilian, mammalian and analytical. The mammalian brain allows us to connect emotionally and socially to other people. Each brain operates both internally and externally. Each level operates with a different set of rules.

The reptilian/physical level is a survival game. It’s about avoiding loss. The mammalian/emotional level allows us to share feelings with others. The analytical level is about long-term problem solving. Each of the three brains has competing motivations.

We feel separate from others when we dissociate from our physical experience. We need balance between being associated and dissociated.

If you want to succeed in business, strengthen your strength. If you want to succeed in relationships, strengthen your weaknesses.

In order to grow we need to explore our blind spots. We tend to defend against this though. If you think doing a Rubik’s cube is hard, try showing another human their blind spots.

Emotional Relational Dynamics

David’s wife Annie Lalla talked about the falling in love with your blind spotter. In David’s case there was tension in the relationship between with his father. Any unresolved issue between a man and his father will effect the way he relates to and parents his own children. Annie noticed how often David’s father tried to say “I love you”, while David was focused on the ways his father irritated him.

A lot of the ways we approach conflict come from our family systems. Escalating conflict doesn’t work but neither does disconnecting because that alarms your partner. You need to stay with your emotions while remaining connected to resolve the conflict.

As we work on our blind spots our partner really appreciates that. One of the reasons we fall in love is to find someone who can help illuminate our blind spots so we can overcome what’s holding us back.

Mastering Emotions

When emotions were too overwhelming as an infant we learned to dissociate. The story is a rational justification that allows us to dissociate. Emotions are a message from our unconscious. Whatever message that emotion is trying to deliver is the next step for your development. Avoid going into the story.

Get into your body by taking 3 deep breaths or accessing your mid-line. Learn to regulate your own nervous system especially when in conflict with your partner.

Instead of trying to soothe other people when they are upset, start by soothing yourself. I am a grown up resourceful person who can handle this. Love is not about getting emotionally enmeshed in our partner’s upset; we can’t help if we’re in the crater.

Men generally don’t have a strong intuitive connection between mind and emotion. We often can’t name the emotion we’re feeling in the moment when we are upset. Knowing the words for our emotions helps us associate and identify them.

Emotions were around millions of years before our abstract consciousness and they are very powerful. We are often driven by envy and jealousy but rarely notice. They can masquerade as anger.

In order to have more intimacy you have to put your weapons down and surrender to being vulnerable.

Primary emotions are sad, fear and anger. Happy, joy and love. Every emotion has a shape in your body.

Learn to express how you feel rather than the story behind it. Any unpleasant emotion that you can’t shift is still trying to tell you something. Ask it “What are you trying to tell me?”

How To Not Screw Up Your Relationship

Family relationship therapist Bruce Muzik spoke about Emotionally Focused Therapy and attachment theory.

The secure attachment style happens when everything goes well. In this case you’re probably not reading this.

The insecure/anxious attachment style develops through inconsistent comforting during infancy. We become hypersensitive to any indications of abandonment and engage in protest behavior.

Abandonment anxiety is our attachment system going on alert.

Symptoms of anxious attachment include making ultimatums, being critical, needy or controlling. Their biggest fear is abandonment. When triggered, they want to hear that their partner won’t leave.

Insecure people can become secure by learning a new response: Learn to cultivate the gap between your attachment state being triggered and acting on it. Notice what you are feeling in your body. Ask what catastrophic conclusion you have come to. What insecure action do I feel compelled to take? What would be a secure response? Did I act in a secure way?

Avoidant attachment style result for having no comforting during infancy. In this case we become numb to our overwhelming emotions to help us survive.

Avoidant people retreat from their partner when the partner is in distress, like a turtle retreating into it’s shell. This triggers the partner’s abandonment anxiety causing even more distress. An avoidant‘s biggest fear is rejection. When triggered, they want to hear that they are loved, valued and enough.

Avoidant people can become secure by opening up about their fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities, failures and weaknesses while receiving loving acceptance from their partner.

When your partner is in attachment distress, you are in a great place to soothe them.

Leadership

Presence is the key to effective leadership and connection. The powerful place to practice presence is all the situations where you normally escape presence. The most valuable ones are primal experiences like orgasm, anger and fear. Start with low level experiences to build the emotional muscle. Move from comfort-seeking to esteem-seeking.

Networking and Marketing

Joe Polish described the magic rapport formula. To get in a relationship you need to sell yourself. People put on such a facade of bullshit. You’ve got to learn how to play the game.

Focus on how you can help other people reduce their suffering. Invest time, money and energy on relationships. If you act with courage you will eventually get confidence. Be the type of person they would always answer the phone for.

Be useful, grateful and valuable. Life gives to the givers and takes from the takers. Treat yourself and other people well. Be as fun and memorable as possible. Make other people feel good. Laughter is critical. Appreciate people. Be a fountain not a drain. Be a producer not a parasite. Create value on the spot. If you have knowledge give it away.

Living An Inspired Life

Adam Gilad spoke about living an inspired life. You don’t find love, you inspire love by what you do in the world, what you do in her world, and what you do for her world. Move from attraction to connection.

The inspired man is free, expansive, enraptured, evolution, love founded, empowered, dynamic, unique, connected to infinity. To inspire love with a worthy woman first inspire yourself, inspire her with your relationship skills, and support her expansion into her inspired life.

Love is when you care for someone’s well being as much as or more than your own.

Imperfection is beautiful. See into a woman’s soul. Let her evolve at her pace. Love is a moment by moment choice and practice. Live life as love.

Being Successful In Business

A quality woman doesn’t just want you for your money, but will expect you to have your financial shit together. Guest speaker Eben Pagan turned up out of the blue and spoke about business success through creativity, productivity, product and marketing.

Systematic creativity is about forming connections between things. Apply the most useful models you can find to the situation. Creativity models boil down to sameness and difference. Work out which one dominates for you and try doing the opposite.

Opportunities multiply as you succeed. Brainstorm 20 ways to get new customers. Consciously work in focused uninterrupted blocks of time on your biggest opportunity.

The quality of your rejuvenation is the quality of your productivity. Keep improving the quality and quantity of your sleep. Get a good massage. Eben did research on massage face cradles for years. Eat high nutrient value food. Systematize it. Don’t have a baby.

Set your life up so the path of least resistance gets you the best results. Integrate new success habits early in your day and practice them for 30 days. Focus first on your product & marketing.

To improve your product narrow your niche. We like specialty products. Talk to your customers: biggest challenge or frustration, biggest wants and aspirations, what they have tried. Study design. Simplicity and attention to detail.

Great marketing comes from great selling. Marketing is about creating a message that customers can relate to. Create a product or service in a new category. Choose names that are hard to forget. Use alliteration and rhyme.

Your offer is really important. What is the value proposition. What will they take away. Start with the offer. Risk reversal: Take the risk away from the customer. Test it. Everything you do is a test. Split test all the time.

Social psychology and masterminding. Go find the people who have achieved what you want to achieve and spend time with them. The power of the mastermind group is very strong.

Successful entrepreneurs are the superhero’s of the future. Technology that increases intimacy will be good business. Awareness, awakening, enlightenment is a big trend. The big game is to make a contribution. Collaboration over the long term is much more successful than going it alone.

Finding The Perfect Woman

Alex Allman talked about your cock. Be passionate in your life. Go after the things that are important to you. If you are stuck playing status games with a woman, it’s unsustainable in a love relationship.

Transformation: From now on I’m going to drop all the games and the bullshit and I’m just going to be me. I will pursue my dreams. Just let go. There is enormous power in playing all-in. Surrender.

Perfection is radically subjective. Surrender your definition of perfect to your woman as a devotional offering. Get OK with being in a relationship with a human. If she fucks with you, that’s what you needed to grow as a man. Love her shadow issues. Surrender to her perfection and her vision of the perfect future you.

Learning to be OK with other people will teach you how to be OK with you. The moment you get radically OK with being human it stops being heavy. Then you can love yourself as perfect.

Be willing to channel God. You can’t just worship a woman; you have to give her the space to worship you. The easy part is loving, the hard part is accepting love. When you’re ready she’ll show up. The perfect woman for you will worship your purpose.

It’s OK to be fucking terrified. It shows you’re alive and what you’re doing matters. You don’t have to force it. There are a lot of women.

It’s terrifying to own your masculine sexual identity, but once you do everything changes. Humans love sex but we have a lot of shame and need social permission.

Summary

This program will teach you how to develop true love and intimacy. I’ve done a lot of personal development and there are so many gold nuggets in this program that I needed to take time to meditate on each session to really take it in. I’ve only just scratched the surface in this review. If true love has been elusive for you, I highly recommend Love The Final Chapter.

Find True Love With Love The Final Chapter. Click here to get it.