Graham Stoney

I struggled for years with low self-esteem, anxiety and a lack of self-confidence before finding a solution that really worked. I created The Confident Man Program to help other men live the life of their dreams. I also offer 1-on-1 coaching via Skype so if you related to this article contact me about coaching.

Mature Masculine Power and The Count of Monte Cristo

Dr Paul pointed out on David DeAngelo’s Deep Inner Game program that the story of The Count of Monte Cristo is a metaphor for the journey that men take in growing from a boy into a mature man. So I recently watched the 2002 movie version starring Jim Caviezel and Guy Pearce, to see what nuggets of masculine wisdom I could extract from it.

At the beginning of the story, Edmond Dantes is a boy living in a man’s body. He lacks intuition and street-smarts, and has a naïve overly-trusting view of other people. He has never questioned his belief in God, has weak personal boundaries, and allows other people to manipulate him and take advantage of his naïvety. He has an excess of conscience and looks at the world the way a young boy does. In short, he’s guileless and clueless. While he is deeply in love with his fiancé Mercedes, the relationship has never really been tested by any kind of hardship.

When Dantes is prematurely made Captian of his ship by his employer, his childhood friend Fernando Mondego becomes extremely jealous. He is also jealous of Dante’s relatioship with Mercedes, who repeatedly knocks back his routine attempts to seduce her.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

How to Defeat Depression for Men

I’ve been there myself, and I know how debilitating depression can be. It sucks the life out of you. There’s a zoned-out feeling in your head, a blank look on your face, and an all-pervading sense of hopeless like you’ve never felt before. The light has gone out of your eyes. It’s a different feeling to sadness, which tends to pass when you’ve cried it out. Depression hangs around like a dense fog, clouding your judgement and colouring everything a nasty shade of grey.

You Don’t Have To Be Trapped By Depression

Psychiatrists will tell you that depression is due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. They’re right, but this doesn’t say much; your brain is a complex biochemical system and pretty much any problem in there comes down to a “chemical imbalance” of some sort. The questions to ask are: what caused it, and what to do about it.

There’s no instant fix for depression, and everyone gets down sometimes. It’s part of being human. But small steps in the right direction add up. The following tips have worked for me, and will gradually get yourself feeling more hopeful and optimistic as the fog of depression clears and you get back to enjoying life again:

Exercise!

… Continue reading…
By Graham Stoney, ago

Confidence, Cats In The Cradle and My Relationship with My Father

Harry Chapin’s famous song Cats In The Cradle hits me emotionally every time I hear it. Whether it’s his original, Cat Steven’s even more well-known version, or more recent covers like the one by Ugly Kid Joe, it never fails to strike an emotional chord with me. I’ve spent the last 3 weeks learning to play it on my guitar, and when I play it myself it’s even stronger.

Knowing what I know now, I’d say that my father lacks confidence and that’s why he is so reluctant to share his feelings, and hard for other people to connect to. He was my natural role model and for a long time I emulated this too. As a result, I lacked confidence and we both had very little emotional connection.

The song connects me with the pain I still feel in my relationship with my emotionally distant father. Ironically, my father and I have a lot of time for each other and get together on a regular basis; we have even more time together now that he’s retired and I’m working for myself. But there’s a distance between us that I find painful.

My Dad was always there for me physically as I kid, and I don’t ever recall brushing him off because I just wanted to borrow the car keys once he’d taught me how to drive.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago
What you get in the Deep Inner Game package

Deep Inner Game

What you get in the Deep Inner Game packageI’ve been watching David DeAngelo’s Deep Inner Game program with Dr Paul, and it’s really brilliant. The program is about developing the mindset that men need to be successful, particularly focused on women, dating and relationships. This mindset is often referred to as our “inner game”, and it really extends to the bigger picture of being confident and successful in life generally.

Here are some of the key things that I’ve learned:

Boundaries

Many of our problems in relating to other people are caused by having a weak psychological and emotional personal boundary, often viewed as having holes in our boundary.

Saying “No” is how we patch holes in our boundary.

Expressing preferences also helps build our boundary, and demonstrates it to other people. Women find this very attractive, even if their preferences differ from ours. If you’re very bad at expressing preferences, you may feel like you don’t have any; in which case you may need to start with arbitrary preferences. e.g. I love dogs, I hate cats.

Immature boundaries either have holes, or are thick and impermeable. Mature boundaries have doors that allow us to control what gets in and what does not.

Perfectionism is caused by a hole in our boundary, projecting our own faults and internal ideals out onto other people.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Pick-up Lines

If you’re looking for pick-up lines, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you. Pick-up lines are a short-cut solution which seem appealing, but don’t work for average guys in practise.

Women will see straight through you when you use them. They’ll reject you, and you’ll just go away feeling worse than before. Ask any guy who is a natural with women, and he’ll tell you that it doesn’t matter what you say to a woman; what matters is what’s going on inside you when you say it. This is why your mindset is soooooo important.

To be successful using pickup lines, you first need to have a confident abundance mindset, and be detached from the outcome when approaching a woman. This means you don’t mind how things work out, because you know there are literally millions of other women you can talk to if this one doesn’t work out. (more…)

By Graham Stoney, ago

Teasing the Girl at the Humorous Speaking Workshop

I’ve been at a humorous speaking workshop today, learning what I need to know to get into the comedy/speaking/seminar game. At one point I wandered up to the two cutest girls in the room to say hello. It’s a very friendly environment because almost everyone there was from Toastmasters, an organisation that people join to develop their social skills and self-confidence.

So I wander up to say “hello”, and one of the girls in the pair says: “So, you’re the guy that’s robotic, yeah?”. It was a reference to a question I asked earlier in the workshop about how to be authentic expressing emotion when you’re not a naturally emotionally expressive person. I explained to the girls that I’d had some feedback about this from my acting class, and that other people had compared me to Elliot Goblet, an Aussie comic with a very deadpan delivery. Something I didn’t consider a compliment at the time!

Then during our chat she had another go at me! Right… game on! I started teasing her mercilessly: “Just because you get to district level in the International Speech contest is no excuse to treat your fellow Toastmasters like dirt, you know! I’m not talking to you any more.”.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Reaching A Critical Mass Of Success With Women

There’s something about reaching a critical mass of success with women, after which you feel like you’re not even trying any more.

Tonight I wound up having dinner with Steph from my acting class; she’s smart, very attractive, and really lovely. A pleasure to hang out with. When I got home, I found I’d left my laptop on all day, and as I went to close it I found Ruth and Liz wanting to talk to me. Oh and another email from Jenny.

I don’t have time to follow them all up this week, and I’ll be out practising more approaches this weekend with my wing man, so things are only going to hot up. Meanwhile Gina from my acting class has totally fallen for me. We did an exercise in class today, and she was sooooo excited when we got to the end of it. But I could tell from the sparkle in her eye that it was more than just the exercise she was excited about.

Female attention is a great boost to a man’s confidence!… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Chatting Up A Hot German Girl At The Train Station

I can still remember the day a really pretty girl from my Venturer group stopped to talk to me at the bus stop on the way home from high school. One of the kids at school the next day asked me “Who was that girl you were chatting up?”, and when I answered “That was Kate, from Venturers”, his mate remarked “Actually, it looked more like she was chatting you up!”. Well yes… Kate had a boyfriend at the time, and I was rather inept when it came to talking to women.

Not any more though! Today I headed out to catch up over lunch with Janice, a gorgeous intuitive girl from my acting class. While waiting for Janice, I found myself casually gazing down the street, straight past a very pretty blonde girl. She thought I was making eye contact with her, and wandered over to talk to me! I think the fact that I wasn’t actually trying to make eye contact with her, combined with the fact that I was waiting for another woman, made me particularly relaxed and approachable.

Her name turned out to be Gloria. “As in Gloria Jean’s”, she said.

“Well that’s amazing Gloria, because we’re both wearing jeans.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Being a Cool Guy who Doesn’t Care about What Other People Think

Carol from Canberra turned up on the weekend with four of her girlfriends, in town to check out fashion week. So on Saturday night I met up with them in the city for dinner and some dancing afterwards. One of Carol’s friends had had to go home early, and another guy named Terry tagged along who was a mutual friend of Andrea, one of the others.

We headed for dinner at Blackbird, a classy bar/cafe at Darling Harbour, the place to be in Sydney on a Saturday night. I sat opposite Carol, and next to her friend Jenni, who seemed like quite a live wire. Jenni was quite attractive, but seemed a little stand-offish and obtuse, so I started joking around with her and teasing her a bit, while also chatting with Carol. At one stage Jenni started complaining about running out of cigarettes, and asked “Do you know where to get cigarettes around here?”

“No, I don’t. Are you a smoker?”

“Yeah, and I’m out of cigarettes. I want to get some cigarettes!!!”, she protested

“Oh. I hate smokers.”, I countered.

Jenni was a bit taken aback at this. But the truth is that I do hate smokers. Or more specifically, I hate it when people are smoking.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert A. Glover

No More Mr. Nice Guy!

The most striking thing I notice that guys who lack confidence and struggle to attract the women they want in their lives have in common is Nice Guy Syndrome. This affliction is characterised by the constant seeking of approval from other people (especially women), an intense fear of rejection, and a misguided belief that we can get our needs met by always being unfailingly “nice” and inoffensive to other people.

Dr. Robert A. Glover is a therapist who works primarily with men who are suffering from Nice Guy Syndrome. As a recovering Nice Guy himself, he has a special insight into Nice Guy Syndrome, and why it is such an ineffective way of getting our needs met as a man. I first heard about his book No More Mr. Nice Guy on one of David DeAngelo’s Interviews With Dating Gurus series, and immediately recognised the Nice Guy traits Dr. Glover described, in myself. One of the most telling things was actually a quote from his ex-wife, who told him: “How do I know that you will stand up for me, if you can’t even stand up to me?”

The basic working paradigm of the typical Nice Guy that Dr.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago