Graham Stoney

I struggled for years with low self-esteem, anxiety and a lack of self-confidence before finding a solution that really worked. I created The Confident Man Program to help other men live the life of their dreams. I also offer 1-on-1 coaching via Skype so if you related to this article contact me about coaching.

What Do You Do If You Haven’t Any Success?

In a recent post I recommended that if you want your confidence to grow more quickly, it’s worth developing the habit of [intlink id=”1761″ type=”post”]sharing your successes with other people[/intlink]. In response I got an email asking:

What do you do if you haven’t any success?

OK, great question. It may seem hard to celebrate something that you don’t already have. So here’s my suggestion on how to handle it:

Allow Yourself To Feel The Pain

We live in a society that systematically denies and suppresses emotional pain. Most of us have been taught to hide how we feel both from ourselves and from other people. Having  a lack of success in life is painful for a man. For me, it brings up feelings of sadness, rejection, hopelessness, despair and anger.

These feelings are painful, but allowing ourselves to feel them activates the grieving process which takes us back to a clean slate where we can start creating what we want in life. Skipping this step leaves us building on a foundation of pain, which lays dormant ready to undermine our future progress whenever one of these painful emotions is triggered again.

Since most of us guys have been trained to suppress our pain, this may not come naturally. Grab a journal and start writing about how you feel around not having the success in life that you want. Be specific about what it is that you’re missing: relationships with women, money, sex, power, health. Whatever upsets you, write about it. Allow yourself to dwell on the emotions rather than the thoughts that you have about it. Dwelling on negative thoughts creates more negativity, whereas dwelling on unpleasant emotions allows them to dissipate. If you want to feeling really gutsy, share what you discover with someone else you trust, or do it anonymously on the forum.

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By Graham Stoney, ago

Celebrate Your Successes By Sharing Them With Others

Building confidence can take time and commitment. Each success moves us closer to the goal of being the person we were meant to be, but it can be easy to overlook or forget even major personal breakthroughs when we’re in it for the long haul.

Our brains are wired to seek out problems in order to solve them ahead of time. This leaves many of us with a tendency to dwell on the negative rather than appreciating the progress that we’re making and the awesome things that are in our life as a result.

One of the best ways to counter this natural tendency towards negative thinking is to celebrate your successes by sharing them with other people. I’ve noticed in my own life that my conditioning against pride left me reticent to share my successes with other people. I literally felt ashamed of being proud of myself!

The only way to counter shame is to share the feelings behind it with other people. If you’re ashamed of your successes, I encourage you to share them with other people so that you can learn to feel good about being successful.

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By Graham Stoney, ago

Are You Frustrated With Your Life?

Hey there,

I want to share a secret that will change your life. But first, a question:

  • Do you feel frustrated with your life?

Or to go deeper:

  • Are you stuck in a dead-end job?
  • Uncertain what you really want to do?
  • Do you find yourself feeling angry and not knowing why?
  • Do you wonder why the girls you like don’t seem to like you?
  • Have you given up when it comes to women, dating, sex and relationships?

OK, that’s enough… I know these can be painful questions. But I want to let you in on a secret that enlightened people have known for centuries which will help you dissolve your frustration:

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By Graham Stoney, ago

Do You Have Mother Issues?

A lot of guys I know who struggle with their self-confidence had a controlling or domineering mother. This can be a problem that affects our adult relationships with women even if we only have minimal contact with our mothers now. Your mother’s influence over you as a child can continue well into adulthood and even past her death.

Is your mother still in control of your life?

Is your mother still in control of your life?

If your mother was particularly critical and/or controlling (like mine was), she would have seen your growing independence as a threat to be crushed at all costs. A mother like that is a force to be reckoned with that totally overwhelms a child’s sense of self. The only option we have as a child is to learn to submit to this woman’s power in order to survive.

But giving up your power like that comes at a massive cost later in life unless you claim it back now that you’re a man.

Healthy mothers go through a grieving process when a boy grows into a man and separates from her emotionally and physically. You become released from the emotional ties to her moods, values, beliefs and opinions as you become your own man. This can be painful for her as she loses power over you and is forced to adopt a new relationship style based on adult mutual respect.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Do You Feel Frustrated With Women?

Hey there,

I have a question for you that could change your life:

  • Do you feel frustrated with women?

Or to go deeper:

  • Do you wonder why the girls you like don’t seem to like you?
  • Do you feel hopeless when it comes to finding “the one” for you?
  • Do you find yourself feeling angry with women and not knowing why?
  • Do you get upset when you encounter rejection after rejection from women?
  • Have you given up when it comes to women, dating, sex and relationships?

Ok, that’s enough… I know these can be painful questions. So I want to let you in on a secret that enlightened men have known for centuries which will help you dissolve your frustration with women:

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By Graham Stoney, ago

Are You Afraid Of Missing Out In Life?

Hey dude,

I have some tough questions for you, but I think you’re up to the task.

So let’s be straight with each other: How’s your life going?

How’s it really going?

  • Are you in a relationship with the girl of your dreams? Married? Engaged? Dating?
  • Do you have a kick-ass job that you absolutely love?
  • Is the money flowing your way?
  • Do you have hobbies that you’re passionate about?
  • Are you surrounded by supportive friends who are living the lives of their dreams too?

Or is your life more like this:

  • Are you still single after all these years?
  • Stuck in a dead-end job?
  • Surrounded by losers?
  • Lacking passion for anything?

I know it may be a painful topic but also ask yourself this:

Are you afraid of missing out on what you really want in your life?

This question is so painful for many guys that they settle for what they think they can get in life, instead of going after what they really want. And the problem with settling is that deep down, you’ll know that you deserved better. The people you settle with will sense it too. Either you’ll live out the rest of your life in denial and unhappiness, or you’ll end up having a mid-life crisis or mental breakdown.

It never goes well in the end.

All because you were afraid of missing out.

If you’re afraid of missing out, there’s a valuable message in that fear for you. It’s telling you that you’re missing a key ingredient that every man needs in order to be successful in life:

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By Graham Stoney, ago

Do You Feel Like A Failure With Women?

Hey Dude,

I know this can be a painful question, especially when you’re going through a woman-drought, but we need to ask ourselves tough questions sometimes if we want to be successful:

How do you feel around women?

  • Do you feel like a failure?
  • Not good enough?
  • Inadequate?
  • Afraid?

Perhaps you’ve become jaded and given up.

Well I’m here to tell you that there’s hope; even for a guy like you.

Because I used to be you: feeling like a failure with women. And then I discovered the secret ingredient a man needs in order to be successful with women.

When Sean Connery was asked what it was that made him so successful around women, he said:

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By Graham Stoney, ago
Depressed man lying in bed

Are You Suffering From Depression?

I want to talk about an issue most men don’t talk to other men about.

Most of us are too ashamed to talk about it, let alone seek any help for it.

Yet it affects a staggering number of us guys.

So I’ll cut to the chase: I’m talking about depression.

Maybe you’ve sought help and been diagnosed by a professional, or perhaps you just know deep down that you’re unhappy. Something is wrong with your life but you’re not sure what. Perhaps you feel hopeless for no good reason, or you just can’t get motivated, or the light has simply gone out of your life.

It’s a painful place to be.

Psychiatrists will tell you that depression is a “chemical imbalance in the brain”, and they’re right.

But that’s only half the story. The obvious question to ask is: what causes the chemical imbalance? (more…)

By Graham Stoney, ago

Do You Feel Like A Failure?

Hey there,

I have some tough questions for you:

  • Do you feel like a failure in life?
  • Have you failed to achieve what you wanted to achieve so far?
  • Ever feel like life is passing you by and you don’t know what to do?

I know this can be painful to admit, but if this sounds like you, there’s a key ingredient that you’re missing. Let me spell it out loud and clear:

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By Graham Stoney, ago

Are You Afraid of Missing Out with Women?

Hey dude,

I have some tough questions for you, but I think you’re up to the task.

So let’s be straight with each other: How’s your relationship going?

How’s it really going?

Are you in a relationship with the girl of your dreams? Married? Engaged? Dating?

Are you still single after all these years?

Or worse, have you settled for a relationship with a woman who deep down, you know really isn’t the girl of your dreams simply because you’re afraid of missing out with women?

Don’t Miss Out On Meeting Your Dream Woman

This is so painful for many guys to face that they settle for what they think they can get in a woman, instead of going after what they really want. And the problem with settling is that deep down, you’ll know that you deserved better. Eventually she’ll sense it too. Either you’ll live out the rest of your life in denial and unhappiness, or you’ll end up breaking up.

It never goes well in the end.

All because you were afraid of missing out on what you really wanted.

But there’s a valuable message in that fear for you: It’s telling you that you’re missing a key ingredient that every man needs in order to be successful with the women of his dreams.

No doubt you’ve heard it before, and it may be painful to acknowledge that what you’re missing can be summed up in one word:

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By Graham Stoney, ago