Category Archives: Communication

Communicate Clearly and Confidently

How To Deal With Someone Who is Upset

Many men (and women for that matter) in our society don't deal with their emotions well. As a result, most of us are walking around carrying an ever-increasing accumulation of emotional baggage that can get triggered even in seemingly innocuous situations.

People who are upset need empathy, not judgement.

For an example where this happened to me, check out my recent story on Why I Got Upset In Guitar Class. I'll wait here while you do that...

... OK!

Dealing with people who are upset can be very challenging. Part of what makes this challenging is that other people's emotional upset is likely to trigger our own unresolved emotional baggage. This is why many people try to shut down expressions of unpleasant emotions in other people or resort to "rescuing" behaviors intended to stem the flow of another person's feelings that are making us uncomfortable. Naive rescuers often think they are "helping" because they see the upset person appearing less outwardly distressed; but the upset person is simply internalizing their emotional pain which has disastrous consequences for everyone in the long run.… Continue reading…

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How To Overcome The Fear Of Conflict

I developed an intense fear of conflict when I was young, and it has hung around with me for a long time. The fear evolved as a series of things led to each other: I used to find the fights between my parents very frightening as a kid, and never experienced any of their conflicts actually being resolved. Conflict was scary, and never seemed to have a positive outcome. My parent's anger during conflict always felt out of control and destructive to me, so I decided that anger was a bad emotion to be suppressed at all costs. Plus my religion taught me to “turn the other cheek” rather than to stand up for myself when I was being treated in ways that I didn't like. As an awkward, sensitive boy I was bullied mercilessly at my sport-oriented all-boys high school.

When we are afraid of conflict, other people can treat us like this.

When we are afraid of conflict, other people can treat us like this.

So the message I internalised was that conflict was scary and often led to me getting hurt. I developed an intense fear of conflict: Any time I was under threat or being criticised, I would collapse into sadness or be overwhelmed with fear. I didn't know how to utilise my anger to stand up for myself in times of conflict, nor had I been taught the communication skills to resolve conflict in a win/win manner that left me feeling empowered.… Continue reading…

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How To Overcome Approach Anxiety

Here is yet another confidence building tip for you. And today you’re going to learn about how to overcome some of that approach anxiety that you may have about talking to women who you haven’t met before.

And the key to overcoming this is to break things down into manageable steps, and the step that I want to talk to you about today is simply giving compliments to women that you see without having any kind of expectation of getting anything back from them or any kind of payback or any they’re going to like you or you’re going to end up talking to them or in bed with them. Just dropping all that stuff.

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Read Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton

Hey there, it’s Graham here from The Confident Man Project. I want to recommend to you one of the best books that I've ever read in the field of personal development, and it’s called Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton. This is an absolutely fantastic book to read not just once but to read over and over because I find I keep having experiences in my life where I realize, “Oh, that’s what Blanton was rabbiting on about in that book about being honest.”

So the background of this radical honesty thing is that essentially the author outlines three different levels of honesty that we typically exhibit in our lives with other people. The first one is honesty about facts; things like talking about the weather, different ideas, things that are generally accepted to be true.

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Visit A Toastmasters Club

Hey there, it's Graham again, and today I want to teach you about how to learn the skill of public speaking. Now, before you start shaking in your boots, consider that public speaking is one of the number 1 things that you can do to increase your self-confidence.

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Want To See Me Doing Stand-Up Comedy Live On Stage?

One of the things I highly recommend for facing your fears in The Confident Man Program is getting up at an open-mic night and performing in front of a live audience. You'll feel the excitement beforehand and the adrenaline rush when you're up there, and the elation afterwards knowing that you've conquered most people's biggest fear. From then on, it becomes really fun.

Given that I like to walk my talk, here's the video of my recent graduation gig from a stand-up comedy course that I did recently. My biggest fear was losing the plot on-stage and forgetting my material. Everything was going great until about 5 minutes in... when I lost it completely! The results was hilarious. I know you'll enjoy it:

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How To Ask Your Boss For A Raise

Hey there, it's Graham from The Confident Man Project with an idea for you and here's something I never had the guts to do back before I worked for myself, but that's okay. I can still suggest it. You might want to do it. And that is to be able to go and ask your boss for a raise.

This is particularly important if you feel that you're not being paid your worth and you're a hard-worker. You do a really great job and you just feel as though maybe you deserve a little bit more in your paycheck and you want to push your comfort zone, step outside and do something that's a little bit challenging; then it's a great idea to go and ask your boss for a raise.

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Notice When You're Being Defensive

Hey there, it’s Graham again from The Confident Man Project, and I’m down in the beautiful bush today with yet another confidence building tip for you. And today I want to talk about dropping defensiveness. Now, this came up to me a few years ago when I was reading a fantastic book by Malcolm Gladwell called Blink, which is all about the power of developing intuition. One of the things that Gladwell talks about in his book is the golden rule of theatrical improvisation which is the technique that comedy actors use on stage to improvise new material. And the golden rule is this: always accept what other people say about you as being the truth.

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Practice Using “I” Statements

Hey, it’s Graham here from The Confident Man Project again and today you’re going to learn about becoming assertive by using “I” statements in conversations. I find that a lot of times when talking to people or listening to people who lack confidence, what we often tend to do is we use the word “you” where really we mean “I”. Often the reason behind this is simply bad practice, we’ve got into a bad habit of doing it, and also we’re wanting to try to connect with the other people who we’re talking to so we end up saying “you” to talk about general experiences in the hope that they’ll get where we’re coming from instead of saying “I” where we’re talking about our specific experience.

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Read How To Talk To Anyone by Leil Lowndes

Hey, it’s Graham here from The Confident Man Project with some tips for you on how to feel more confident when you’re having conversations with other people. And the biggest tip that I have in fact is to read a book on the subject which is this one called How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tips for Big Success in Relationships by Leil Lowndes.

Obviously our sense of self-confidence is most pronounced or lack of self-confidence is most pronounced when we’re trying to have conversations with other people and we’re feeling like, “I don’t know how to do this,”, “I don’t know what to say and how to relate to these people,” or, “I’m feeling shy or awkward or socially anxious.”

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