Overcoming Reluctance To Approach Women

As guys, we can be our own worst enemy sometimes. I just had this question from a reader:

I have finally come to the realisation that I know enough of this stuff. What I haven’t mastered is the action step. And I don’t know why. Whenever I see an attractive woman, I know I have a lot to offer, but regardless of what I think, I still don’t actually do anything. It drives me spare to be honest. How do you connect learning and doing?

I fall into this trap too sometimes; I see an attractive woman, yet I don't approach her. Call it approach anxiety, fear of the unknown, not knowing what to say, limiting beliefs, lack of confidence... It doesn't matter what you call it, the question is: what to do about it.

So here are a bunch of ideas that work for me at overcoming or avoiding approach anxiety/reluctance:

Start Wherever You're At

Don't beat yourself up just because you don't approach every woman you find attractive. I don't either, but I am committed to personal growth and to improving my social and communication skills on a consistent basis, and that's what gets me results.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

The Way to Seduce Women Naturally

I've been watching Zan Perrion's The Way of the Natural enlightened seduction DVD series, and found it fascinating. He's a guy who clearly and unapologeticly loves women, and I like that his approach to women is based on respectfully giving a woman what she wants and being up-front about it rather than covert and manipulative.

Zan cites the popularity of romance novels as evidence that women are starved of romance, passion and seduction, and sees himself as a romance artist and lover of beauty, rather than a pick-up artist. Seduction is about being a man who naturally attracts and charms women.

Be genuine and honest about your desires, without being presumptuous or needy. Move through life without apology, recognize that women are beautiful, learn to see through their facades and walls and to genuinely love women. Zan believes that so-called “natural” seducers aren't born with this gift; at some point in their life they chose to listen and learn how to relate to women in a naturally powerful way.

Here are Zan's 10 traits of the Natural Seducer:

  1. Sees all women as his own, has compassion for their sadness, and makes it his mission to impart beauty to their lives again.

Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

How to Meet Women

If you're lacking in confidence, meeting women can seems like a major challenge. You can't date women you can't meet, and this affects everything from your social life to your sex life. Approaching women in bars and clubs can be a hit and miss affair, and office romances can be problematic. But finding female company is easy once you know the secret to meeting women:

Get involved in activities that women also enjoy, over a period of time that gives them the chance to get to know you.

You want to meet real ones, right?
Image courtesy Pixabay

The best activities involve learning any new skill that women value which boosts your confidence, while meeting women in the process. This slips you in under the radar and makes you much more approachable than when you're obviously just “out to meet chicks”. Here are the best ways to go about this:

Take Dance Lessons

This is by far the most effective way of meeting women. All women love men who can dance, but many men are afraid of looking foolish and won't put up with the initial discomfort while they learn. Women respect men who are prepared to be vulnerable, and you become a hot commodity once you've mastered it.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Reaching A Critical Mass Of Success With Women

There's something about reaching a critical mass of success with women, after which you feel like you're not even trying any more.

Tonight I wound up having dinner with Steph from my acting class; she's smart, very attractive, and really lovely. A pleasure to hang out with. When I got home, I found I'd left my laptop on all day, and as I went to close it I found Ruth and Liz wanting to talk to me. Oh and another email from Jenny.

I don't have time to follow them all up this week, and I'll be out practising more approaches this weekend with my wing man, so things are only going to hot up. Meanwhile Gina from my acting class has totally fallen for me. We did an exercise in class today, and she was sooooo excited when we got to the end of it. But I could tell from the sparkle in her eye that it was more than just the exercise she was excited about.

Female attention is a great boost to a man's confidence!… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Advice on Difficulty Approaching Women

Got this question in the email today:

I am 54 years old and have always had a hard time approaching women. I am divorced and wasn't popular in my town because I was a poor athlete and this has always haunted me. Can you give me some advice? I will be going to Cancun, Mexico this summer and want to be attracting women while on vacation.

Here's my reply:

Thanks for your question. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. Sounds like you're hanging onto some emotional baggage from your home town, which is probably compounded by your divorce. So I'd start by looking at the ways in which your existing mindset could be contributing to the problem. Start dealing with your emotional baggage. Consider some therapy. Go into emotional areas you've been afraid of.

At the same time, start developing some of the skills women find attractive. Can you dance? Or play music? Dancing will help you enormously to build self-confidence, and will be really handy down in Cancun. Also learn some new social skills, like how to flirt and how to approach women.

Women love confident men. Grab a copy of my ebook Confident Man, and follow the advice in it.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Learning How to Approach Women

I'm house-sitting for my sister down in Canberra, Australia's capital city. The only friends I know who live here are either away on holidays or out of contact. I wouldn't mind meeting some new people to hang out with while I'm in town, and I've been inspired by Joseph Matthew's book The Art Of Approaching to have a go at approaching women and starting conversations. I was talking to my friend Ruth about this back in Sydney a few weeks ago, and her advice was this:

“Look Graham, people go out to clubs to meet other people. All you've got to do is to walk up and say 'Hi, I'm Graham'” [puts her hand out to initiate a handshake].

Interesting. I still had a hunch that the wisdom in Joseph's book would help me, but maybe I was over-complicating things a bit. Us analytical guys tend to do that sometimes. So last Friday night I hit the town, to see if I could meet some people in a pub or club. If you're used to doing this, it might seem like a no-brainer; but not to me. I'm the guy who used to have a full-blown panic attack just walking into a nightclub, and the thought of approaching anyone at all, let alone an attractive woman, just freaked me out.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

The Difference between Seduction and Attraction

Just watching David DeAngelo's Advanced Dating Techniques program, I really like his distinction between Seduction and Attraction:

Seduction implies tricking, being dishonest, and hiding your motives. Seduction also implies a scarcity mentality. It implies you lack the confidence that women will be attracted to you, and therefore you must resort to covert manoeuvres.

Attraction on the other hand is working on yourself, improving yourself to the point where women are magnetically attracted to you. That attraction mechanism gets pushed inside [the man] very quickly.”

It's important to understand how seduction works and when it's appropriate and inappropriate. But when a man invests significant energy into his own personal growth, he becomes a man who attracts women naturally. This is more authentic, has a more powerful impact on his whole life, and a more positive influence on the lives of those around him, than simply learning a bunch of eduction techniques ever will.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Insights from Frank, the "Natural" with Women

I have a friend whose flatmate Frank is a "natural" when it comes to women. Frank often has multiple women an the go at the one time, and his record is having sex with five different keen women in one day. The guy is simply a magnet for women. So I got together with Frank and my friend to see what insights I could gain into the mind of the natural with women.

When I turned up to my friend's house, Frank and rather cute girl were hanging out in the kitchen. “Do you want a sandwich?” he asked her. “I don't know”, she said. “Well, I don't care whether you want a fucking sandwich or not; I'm having one anyway.”, he joked around. Frank had a really bad sunburn from being outside working on his motorbike without a shirt on, so once again he had no shirt. She seemed rather besotted as Frank joked and teased her. “Are you in a hurry?”, he asked me. “No”, I sort of lied. It was true that I didn't have to be anywhere, but I did want to get onto the purpose of my visit: to talk about women and dating. Frank led the girl upstairs for a quickie.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Secrets to Attracting Women Naturally

If you haven't had a lot of success with women in your life so far, now is the time to take charge of the situation and make some changes. Meeting women, interacting with them and dating them successfully all comes down to a combination of your mindset and the skills that you have, to make yourself attractive and interesting to women.

Attraction between men and women is a completely natural thing. The problem for guys who struggle with women is that we get in our own way by repeating ineffective behaviors in our interactions with women that kill this natural attraction. After a while, we conclude that there's something wrong with us, or that the women we're interested in just aren't attracted to us; when in fact, success is simply a matter of replacing the ineffective behaviors with those that are more likely to get us positive results. Often the reason we haven't done this yet is that we didn't have a good role-model to teach us what works, and what doesn't; and we end up doing what doesn't work over and over again.

While confidence is the most attractive trait a man can have, by far the biggest killer of attraction for a woman is neediness.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Handling Rejection When Approaching Women

Rejection is generally the number one fear most guys have when it comes to women. For many years, I was too terrified of rejection to approach the women I was attracted to, which is why I decided I needed to get them to approach me instead. It's normal to fear rejection; it's an instinctual response going back to the days when rejection from the tribe meant certain death. But that's not the end of the story; rejection is no longer terminal and this fear can be overcome. I'm still working on overcoming my fear of rejection, and here are some simple strategies that I find helpful for handling it:

Remember It's About Them, Not About You

Approach with a fun, playful, curious attitude.

Rejection stings because we turn it into a story about us: We get rejected and conclude that we're not good enough, not worthy enough, not deserving enough, not interesting enough, not attractive enough. Any insecurity about ourselves is immediately linked to the women who we think has rejected us. Then we generalize and assume that if one woman rejects us, every woman will reject us because there is something wrong with us. It's all about us.

The antidote to this is to remind us that rejection says more about them than it does about us.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago