self-talk

If you grew up in an environment where you felt a sense of unconditional love, you probably developed strong self-worth and confidence by default. And you’re probably not reading this. But if you felt early on that love was tied to acceptance and approval from other people, you may have developed a bad habit of seeking external approval and validation from other people as a way of feeling good about yourself.

The problem with seeking external validation is that our self-worth ends up at the mercy of other people and what we imagine they are thinking of us. This leads to insecurity rather than self-confidence. We may feel good when we get their approval, but we feel terrible when we don’t; or even just if we think we don’t. Seeking external validation can become an addiction that causes an endless cycle of highs and lows and leaves us feeling overly self-conscious.

I know first hand what this is like, because I lived most of my life that way, and it’s not where you want to be.

The solution is to practise internal validation, so you’re not reliant on other people’s approval to feel good about yourself.

Learn to make choices that are best for you while considering the consequences for yourself. Don’t ignore the impact your choices have on other people, but don’t make it more important than the impact on yourself. Stop worrying what other people will think all the time. Ironically, the more approval you give yourself, the more you end up getting it from other people; and when you don’t, you won’t care so much.

Here’s how to become self-validating: (more…)