I just got back from a totally fascinating conversation over lunch with my friend Jenny, and her brother Derrick. Jenny lined it up because her brother used to suffer from Chronic Fatigue, something that I've been experiencing for the last 18 months. We talked for quite a while about what causes this most frustrating of mystery illnesses, and whether it could have an emotional basis in some of the unresolved family background and upbringing stuff that I've been working through over the last few years. Jenny had to leave early to get back to work, but Derrick and I continued on as the topic of the conversation turned increasingly towards every man's favorite subject: women.
It turned out that Derrick and I had even more in common than just the family background of dominant mother and ineffective father: a lethal combination when it comes to setting a man up for future interactions with women. We talked about what makes a man attractive to a woman; and what repels them. We talked about the importance of being authentic, and how us sensitive guys often learn implicitly to be insincerely inoffensive nice guys in our interactions with women; and then wonder why we seem to end up powerless- like our fathers were.
We talked about flirting, and about how simply realizing earlier this year that women liked being teased totally transformed the way I relate to them. I told him my cracker story of the 18-year-old with the DD's, which I'm sure is bound to end up in some future book of mine. We talked about the importance of a man being able to dance, if he wants to side-step a lot of the obstacles that us shy guys face when it comes to meeting women and getting up close and personal with them.
Probably the best thing about my conversation with Derrick was reminding myself just how far I've come when it comes to attracting and relating to women. I tend not to give myself credit for the amazing progress I've made, just because there's always more to learn, and a new level to reach. Plus I have such high standards that whenever I fall short, I end up feeling like a complete fraud regardless of how much progress I've made; and when I'm not feeling authentic, that feels bad to me. Which is why fake pick-up lines feel awkward to me. Other guys might get away with them, but I end up feeling self-conscious unless I'm being “real”. Of course it turns out that the “real” me isn't the one that's been turning up for most of my life: that's the old emotionally-repressed fake I'm-trying-to-get-you-to-like-me-so-I-don't-get-hurt me.
We talked a lot about the importance of being authentic when relating to women too, and how “faking it” doesn't work for guys like us. For us, learning to be good with women is more about getting in touch with our true inner selves.
By the end of the conversation, Derrick was inspired and said he could see me coaching men on how to attract women more effectively. “Before our conversation, I just didn't know what to do. Now, I can see that there are things I can do to make a difference.”, he said. I'm going to send him a free copy of Confident Man, which I know is going to blow his mind with possibilities. I can't wait to see what results he gets when he start applying it. I already know he's going to take action on Skill #1: Learn To Dance. Imagine if he were to implement Skills 2 thru 22 as well; this guy's going to be unstoppable! Meanwhile, I'm off to do some more emotional healing work via Breathwork. Ditching emotional baggage is one of the steps I recommend in Confident Man. And if Derrick reckoned Breathwork helped heal his Chronic Fatigue, I'm willing to give it a go. Attract more women and get well all at the same time... what I bonus.