Are You Afraid Of Talking To Beautiful Women?

I’ve read a lot of books on talking to women, and most of them never even mention the core problem a lot of men I know face when it comes to talking to beautiful women.

This problem may arise as [intlink id=”599″ type=”post”]approach anxiety[/intlink], not knowing what to say, feeling like you’re never good enough, putting women an a pedestal, trying to get beautiful women to like you, or just plain being overwhelmed with fear around hot women.

And it all comes down to feeling powerless around them.

If you feel powerless around the women you’re attracted to, it’s probably due to something you learned early on in life and are still hanging onto because subconsciously you believe that your very survival is at stake.

The question to ask yourself if you suffer from this is:

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Do You Feel Frustrated With Women?

Hey there,

I have a question for you that could change your life:

  • Do you feel frustrated with women?

Or to go deeper:

  • Do you wonder why the girls you like don’t seem to like you?
  • Do you feel hopeless when it comes to finding “the one” for you?
  • Do you find yourself feeling angry with women and not knowing why?
  • Do you get upset when you encounter rejection after rejection from women?
  • Have you given up when it comes to women, dating, sex and relationships?

Ok, that’s enough… I know these can be painful questions. So I want to let you in on a secret that enlightened men have known for centuries which will help you dissolve your frustration with women:

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How I Healed My Boys High School Choir Bullying Trauma

I went to an all-boys high school where the first grade rugby team enjoyed the highest social status. Anyone who wasn’t into aggressive body-contact sports got their head kicked in other ways, and boys on each level of the social hierarchy boosted their flagging self-esteem by bullying the boys on the level below. Any innate sensitivity in a boy was crushed both in the classroom and in the play/battle-ground.

Although I was highly intelligent and generally got good grades, this wasn’t valued as highly as sporting prowess at my high school and being a thin, nerdy kid who was the youngest in my year, I didn’t do so well at school socially.

I spent my lunch times singing in the school choir or hanging out in the computer room learning to use the new machines that the teachers didn’t know what to do with. This was a couple of years before the computer revolution went mainstream and decades before Big Bang Theory made nerds hot prime-time-viewing commodities.

Childhood bullying can leave our adult selves feeling self-conscious and hyper-vigilant to criticism from others.

Since I was a late developer my voice didn’t break until well after high school. It was embarrassing still being in the alto section of the all-boy choir as I headed into Year 11 so I quit and joined the lighting crew in the hall instead where I could feel good about solving technical problems backstage and wouldn’t have to perform in front of people and end up feeling so self-conscious.

Fast-forward 30 years to 2017 and I’m studying music full-time at a local tertiary college. My dream is to use a combination of music and comedy to teach the principles of trauma awareness and emotional intelligence to the masses. I think that would be great fun for me because along the way I’ll get to overcome my remaining insecurities in terms of freedom of self-expression, and it would also give an extra dimension of meaning and purpose to what I’m doing. (more…)

Are You Frustrated With Your Life?

Hey there,

I want to share a secret that will change your life. But first, a question:

  • Do you feel frustrated with your life?

Or to go deeper:

  • Are you stuck in a dead-end job?
  • Uncertain what you really want to do?
  • Do you find yourself feeling angry and not knowing why?
  • Do you wonder why the girls you like don’t seem to like you?
  • Have you given up when it comes to women, dating, sex and relationships?

OK, that’s enough… I know these can be painful questions. But I want to let you in on a secret that enlightened people have known for centuries which will help you dissolve your frustration:

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How To Get Emotional Healing

Hey, it’s Graham here again with another confidence building idea for you. And today I want to talk about a serious subject which is the weighty topic of getting some emotional healing, if you need it. Now what tends to happen to us in life is invariably we go through a series of events, some of which are great and some of which are not so good, and some of the ones which are not so good can be so heavy that they’re really traumatic and they leave us with some kind of emotional scarring deep down in our psyche that hangs around and affects us for the rest of our life until we get to the point where we’re ready to deal with this stuff.

Now, the way that your subconscious works and that your emotions work are that any time you have a event that happens with a strong emotional response, in particular an emotional response that’s too strong for you to deal with at the time, we end up with a traumatic memory stored deep in our subconscious. And what happens is that any time in the future that we’re in a similar kind of situation, we’ll have the same emotion arise because we’ve been programmed for that by the traumatic event that’s happened back in our past.

http://youtu.be/vLbR4sbow38

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Stylistic graphic of a woman's head showing her brain with sound waves

Using Music In Therapy To Help Heal Attachment Trauma

Introduction

In the article “The Effect of Integrating Music Listening With an Attachment- And Affective-Focused Short-Term Psychotherapy in an Individual With Relational Trauma: The Case of ‘James.’”[1], G. Paul Blimling describes a hybridized case study using music chosen by a client nicknamed “James” within psychotherapy to help them heal their early life attachment trauma. By facilitating trust in the relationship with the therapist, collaborative music listening helped the client access and express strong emotions which would otherwise overwhelm and incapacitate them, and as a result healed their core attachment wound[2].

Karen Riggs Skean responds in her article “Integrating Client-Chosen Music in Relational Trauma Treatment: Pathways to the Heart”[3], noting that Blimling is a talented cellist, and adding that integrating his musicianship into his role as a therapist “helped him be more fully present with the client, which in turn helped the client be more present as well”[4]. Bringing his musical background to the therapy setting helped to bridge the gap with a client who was initially extremely reticent, untrusting and hostile.[5]

Ben G. Adams continues the conversation in his article “Self-Selected Music for Relational Trauma: Commentary on the Psychotherapy Case of ‘James’”[6] by pointing out that while integrating music listening into mainstream therapy sessions may at first seem novel, it actually represents a return to our hunter-gatherer ancestors, when music was integral to the shamanic healing process. By combining the music and psychotherapy, Blimling has in fact reconciled what was originally a unified societal role.[7]

In this essay I summarise the use of music for healing attachment trauma in Blimling’s case study and Skean & Adams’s responses, and discuss how it informs and impacts my own current musical practice and future projects. (more…)

How To Treat Each Other With Respect

If you have someone in your life who treat you in ways that leave you feeling unsafe, propose introducing these Ground Rules For Emotionally Safe Communication in that relationship.

respectAgreeing to these ground rules in all our communication helps us both to feel safe and have our feelings respected. They are particularly important during challenging conversations when we are triggered with anger, sadness, fear, guilt and/or shame. We commit to applying them even when we are most upset.

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What Do You Do If You Haven’t Any Success?

In a recent post I recommended that if you want your confidence to grow more quickly, it’s worth developing the habit of [intlink id=”1761″ type=”post”]sharing your successes with other people[/intlink]. In response I got an email asking:

What do you do if you haven’t any success?

OK, great question. It may seem hard to celebrate something that you don’t already have. So here’s my suggestion on how to handle it:

Allow Yourself To Feel The Pain

We live in a society that systematically denies and suppresses emotional pain. Most of us have been taught to hide how we feel both from ourselves and from other people. Having  a lack of success in life is painful for a man. For me, it brings up feelings of sadness, rejection, hopelessness, despair and anger.

These feelings are painful, but allowing ourselves to feel them activates the grieving process which takes us back to a clean slate where we can start creating what we want in life. Skipping this step leaves us building on a foundation of pain, which lays dormant ready to undermine our future progress whenever one of these painful emotions is triggered again.

Since most of us guys have been trained to suppress our pain, this may not come naturally. Grab a journal and start writing about how you feel around not having the success in life that you want. Be specific about what it is that you’re missing: relationships with women, money, sex, power, health. Whatever upsets you, write about it. Allow yourself to dwell on the emotions rather than the thoughts that you have about it. Dwelling on negative thoughts creates more negativity, whereas dwelling on unpleasant emotions allows them to dissipate. If you want to feeling really gutsy, share what you discover with someone else you trust, or do it anonymously on the forum.

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How’s Your Mental Health This Week?

It’s Mental Health Week here in Australia, and I’m very pleased to see many organisations and individuals talking about the topic of mental health in order to provide hope for healing and reduce the stigma surrounding mental illness in our community. I’m also a little anxious because the issue is close to my heart. There are many people who suffer from mental illness in my extended family and I know we still have a long way to go as a community in tackling the problems underlying the recent rapid increase in mental illness.

Having suffered from debilitating panic attacks, social phobia, generalised anxiety, depression and chronic fatigue myself, I know that these are real biological conditions which you can’t just “snap yourself out of” or simply wish away with positive thinking or well-intentioned affirmations alone.

Make A Move Towards Better Mental Health

Make A Move Towards Better Mental Health

Especially for men.

Destigmatising mental illness is certainly a step in the right direction, but if we want to help people living with mental illness to free themselves from their suffering, we need to go a step deeper and destigmatise the emotions behind it too.

Let’s face it: Men have feelings, and it’s time we stopped holding them in.

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How to Heal Emotional Pain

Traumatic or emotionally painful events in our past can leave us with emotionally charged memories that get triggered whenever we find ourselves in similar circumstances later in life. This will undermine your confidence in these situations, as the powerful emotions triggered quickly become overwhelming even though there’s no real threat present.

Crying heals the emotional pain of past trauma

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