How To Heal Deep Emotional Wounds

Peter Saxon

Holistic Counsellor Peter Saxon

Emotional wounds from early life can have a profoundly detrimental effect on our self confidence and our ability to be successful in life.

Even wounds that we're unaware of or reluctant to acknowledge can still strongly effect us because they operate on the unconscious or subconscious level. These wounds can lead to self-sabotaging behaviour that may be obvious to other people, while we remain oblivious to what's going on. Yet we keep encountering similar painful experiences in life over and over, unable to pinpoint what's causing this pattern or how to break out of it.

Often deep emotional wounds that we may be unaware of are at the heart of our ongoing suffering. Fortunately my good friend Peter Saxon is an expert on dealing with exactly this problem in men's lives, and I recently seized the opportunity to interview him on the topic.

My favourite quote from this interview is:

“When we really get to experience our feelings directly without avoiding or grasping or going to the emotional drama of the feeling, and are actually be able to sit with it, and then look to identify what the need is underneath that feeling, and getting help to meet that need: life changes dramatically.”… Continue reading…

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How Elliot Rodger Got It All Wrong About Girls

You may have already seen the whiny, complaining videos from Elliot Rodger, the gunman in the recent Santa Barbara shootings. While I'm loath to give posthumous fame to someone who takes out his pain and anger in such a destructive manner, the guy does have a lot to teach about how not to approach the topic of being successful with women.

Unfortunately Elliot never reached out to me for coaching, so I couldn't help him. There are countless other life, dating and confidence coaches on the internet who could also have made a huge difference. Plenty of YouTube videos from dating coaches would have taught him what he needed, had he bothered to put it into practice. I've read somewhere that he was getting professional help at the time of the shooting, but clearly it didn't give him the skills he needed to change his world view or deal with his pain and anger.… Continue reading…

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How To Be Present

Spiritual teachers such as Eckhart Tolle often talk about presence as the key to accessing a relaxed state of true inner confidence in all situations. Well that's great in theory, but how do you do it in practice?

Moose MillerIn this insightful interview with Transformation Coach Moose Miller from MeetEveryMoment.com, you'll learn the key techniques for dealing with difficult emotions and thought patterns that stop us from being confidently present in our interactions with other people.

Practicing these techniques consistently over time leads to a sense of relaxed confidence that men and women alike find tremendously appealing.

Here's what you'll learn:… Continue reading…

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The Disastrous Duo: Controlling Mother, Passive Father

I've noticed a strong pattern in the lives of a lot of guys who I've been talking to lately who have had issues with self-confidence, especially around women: the combination of a dominant, controlling mother and a passive father. It's the disastrous duo for a boy's confidence growing into a man.

One of the unfortunate realities of life is that controlling women tend to attract passive men. So if you have a controlling mother, you're likely to also have ended up with a passive father as your primary male role model.

Controlling people attempt to dominate the people around them in order to assuage their own inner anxiety about the unpredictable nature of life. Confident, powerful men don't put up with this sort of behaviour: they assert themselves and if necessary walk away knowing that there are plenty of other fish in the sea. So controlling women tend to end up left with passive men who are willing to be pushed around because they don't know how to stand up for themselves.… Continue reading…

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I'm Declaring This Year: The Year Of Badass

I've decided to declare this year The Year Of Badass. Now this doesn't mean I'll be getting all tattooed up, dealing drugs out the back of my place, joining a motorcycle gang, doing drive-by shootings or burning down the homes of people I don't like. It's not about being an asshole.

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Being a badass dude is about living via our internal compass and doing life the way we want, rather than trying to keep other people happy doing what they think is acceptable all the time. It's going to piss a few people off mainly because they'll be jealous that they aren't living their life the way they know, deep down, that they should be. Trying to keep everyone else happy is a recipe for misery. So being able to tolerate the discomfort that other people will feel when we live life our way is all part of learning to be a badass. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable occasionally.

At the same time, I've recently taken a deeper interest in Taoist philosophy. The ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tze recognised that life had a certain flow to it, and that by living in accordance with our true nature we can live life much more easily.… Continue reading…

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What To Do When You're Emotionally Triggered

Do you ever experience situations where you suddenly feel really bad in response to something happening around you, and have a compelling urge to withdraw or shut down? If so, you've probably been emotionally triggered.

I've been doing some acting training lately with a local theatre company which does shows based on Forum Theatre. This style of theatre is highly interactive: The actors perform a play in which things end badly for one or more of the characters; but then instead of leaving it there they go back and replay some of the scenes using suggestions from the audience as to what the characters could do differently that might change the final outcome. We even get members of the audience up on stage to role play their suggestions while the other actors remain in character to see how the ideas from the audience play out in practice.

The role I was being trained for was to act as the Joker: a kind of cheeky M.C. whose role is to liaise between the actors and the audience, asking for suggestions from the audience and encouraging them to get up on stage to play those suggestions out. While the introduction to this part of the play was scripted, the audience interaction is all improvised based on the suggestions that the audience offer.… Continue reading…

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How To Lose Weight Without Really Trying

If you're carrying around a few extra pounds of flab, that's not going to be great for your confidence. A bunch of friends of mine have recently forked out for an expensive coaching program to motivate them to lose weight fast; and although it seems to be working for them, I shake my head each time they talk about it.

Why? Because you can lose weight for free, without really trying. I know because I've been doing it myself for the last few months. In fact I'm kinda pissed off that the new board shorts that I bought at the beginning of this summer are too big for me now and I'll have to fork out for a new pair soon.

So here's how to lose weight without really trying:

Stop Looking For A Quick Fix

The biggest problem with the well-intentioned program my friends are on is that it promises a relatively quick fix. If you want your body to settle at its ideal weight, what you need is a lifestyle change. Looking for a quick fix to life's problems is symptomatic of childish thinking, indicating that you haven't really grown up yet. Adult obesity is a manifestation of childish thinking.… Continue reading…

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Whiny, Complaining People Really Make Me Angry

My punching bag has been getting a good workout lately, getting more of my repressed anger out of my system. One of the recent triggers has been whiny, complaining people.

For example, last week I was in an acting class where everyone seemed to want to complain about something. One woman turned up late and complained that she had trouble parking the car, and seemed to want the teacher to solve the problem for her. I'd managed to get a parking space with no trouble, and there's a train station right across the road so it really didn't seem like a huge deal to me. A bit of forward planning and she'd be able to park the car and get to class on time.

Then another guy turned up late and started protesting when the teacher requested that he turn up on time in future. Thing is, he always turns up late. It's like his thing to be late, and he always makes a big deal of it when he walks into the room. We even used it to mock him in a performance one time; but really he's the only one who finds it funny. The rest of us just grin and bear it.… Continue reading…

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How Joining A Men's Group Builds Your Confidence

One of the most powerful things I've done in the last 12 months to continue building my own confidence is to join a men's group. Our fortnightly gatherings allow me to connect more deeply to other men and in doing so, connect more deeply to my own masculine power. My experience of other males at my all-boys high school wasn't a particularly positive basis for me to build trust in men. So my men's group is a valuable opportunity to learn trust and mutual respect amongst men who are prepared to be vulnerable and real about what is going on in their lives.

With this in mind I was keen to interview Brett Churnin from mensgroup.info, who is at the centre of a loose collective of men's groups all founded with the intention of growing more confident, capable, loving, powerful and honest men.

Brett first become involved in a men's group after he and another desperately single male friend discovered David Deida's book The Way of The Superior Man while looking for more powerful ways to relate to women. They came to realise that being a man was very different to what they had thought, and started to explore the notion of masculinity and how to develop themselves as men.… Continue reading…

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How To Stop The Taliban Shooting Young Women In The Head

I felt appalled this morning to read the letter by Taliban commander Adnan Rashid justifying why Pakistani schoolgirl Malala Yousafzai had been shot in the head. While the letter expresses some remorse over the shooting, it also goes on to justify the shooting based on Yousafzai's advocacy of freedom of non-religious education for Pakistani women.

I felt angry when I read about this. I wanted to do something about the injustice and other dilemmas that arise for me when I read a man's explanation for the shooting of a woman simply for expressing an opinion he disagreed with, and the religious system that was used to justify it.

However, I feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of the problem: millions of men on all sides going to war over their inability to control the thoughts and actions of other men and women. In this specific case, of one young woman in particular; but it's hardly an isolated incident. The problem is enormous. And in feeling overwhelmed, I felt powerless. Powerless to do anything to help these men in the Taliban.

Hang on a sec... powerless to help these men? Why would I want to help the Taliban, when they go around shooting young women in the head?… Continue reading…

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