Start Expressing How You Feel

Hey there, it’s Graham here from The Confident Man Project, and today you are going to learn all about the importance of expressing how you feel. Now, as guys, often we don’t get taught how to do this, we don’t learn how to do this, we don’t practice how to do this; we just tend to keep our feelings to ourselves a lot of the time and this is a massive problem because when we bottle up our emotions inside, we are prone to all sorts of horrible things like illness and depression and just unhappiness and frustration and it makes it hard to connect with other people, particularly with women who just love having an emotional connection with you. And so I want to really advocate for the idea of you expressing how you feel in any moment. Like, right now I’m feeling a whole mixture of things. I’m feeling happy and I’m feeling frustrated and I’m feeling a bit pissed off and irritated and, you know, all this stuff is going on inside me all at once and it’s very unhealthy to just keep all that stuff bottled down inside. So it’s very important to be able to express how you feel, and there are a few basic emotions like anger, sadness, happiness, joy, love, peace, frustration, fear, anxiety. These are the main ones; there’s not all that many when you actually count them, and that’s just completely off the top of my head. http://youtu.be/2nNn14lI9h0 (more…)

By Graham Stoney, ago

Basic Emotions

HappinessMany of us guys lack a basic emotional literacy; we have physical sensations when we're feeling something, but we often don't know how to identify what we're feeling, nor are we able to recognise emotions in other people. Being able to identify emotions is the basis of empathy, which is a core communication skill. In short, most of us don't understand how our emotions work. Simply learning to identify and express the following basic emotions will improve your relationships dramatically: (more…)

By Graham Stoney, ago

Courage, Vulnerability and Connection vs Shame and Guilt

I'm a big fan of TED talks, and I love the speakers who have the confidence and courage to talk directly from the heart. One of my favorites in Brené Brown's speech The Power Of Vulnerability, which you may have heard me rave about before. Every time I watch this speech, I find it connects me to a deeper to my own feelings of fear and shame around being vulnerable.

I'm still working on overcoming my deeply rooted fear of other people knowing how I'm feeling, and for me this is the essence of vulnerability. Watching this speech moves me to tears and I know that means that I'm healing my own fear and shame around feeling vulnerable in the past, which leaves me feeling more confident for the future. Which is why I keep coming back to this talk every few months for more.

Brene's research into human connection and vulnerability led her to explore the emotions of guilt, and it's rarely discussed cousin: shame.

Connection with others gives purpose and meaning to our lives. It's why we're here. When you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak. When you ask people about connection, they tell you about disconnection.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Music To Make You Happy When You Feel Sad

When you're feeling sad, listening to positive, encouraging music can help you break out of it.

Here's my favorite music for turning sadness into happiness and optimism:

Chumbawumba: Tubthumping

I get knocked down. But I get up again. No, you're never gonna keep me down. Words to live by.

Paul Colman Trio: Turn

Gotta turn this life around, turn this life around. Catchy jingle about beating hard times, if you can ignore the kitsch religious undertones.

Steve Winwood: While You See A Chance

While you see a chance, take it! Great advice Steve.

En Vogue: Free Your Mind

Confidence is a lot about how you think. Free your mind!

David Guetta featuring Kelly Roland: When Love Takes Over

Want to feel more love in your life? Get it here.

Dutch featuring Crystal Waters: My Time

This is my time, this is my time.

Jimmy Cliff: I Can See Clearly Now

A classic song for emerging from difficult times.

KT Tunstall: Suddenly I See

For that "Aha!" moment, when you realise you've now got the confidence you always wanted.

Vanessa Amorosi: Shine

Everyone's gonna shine.

Steve Winwood: Back In The High Life

That's where you're going to be: Back in the high life again.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

My Wicked, Wicked Ways by Errol Flynn

“I like to enjoy the thrill of living every day; every hour of the day. For we are only here this once, and let's feel the wind while we may.” - Errol Flynn, My Wicked, Wicked Ways

If there's one theme that shines through from legendary actor and ladies' man Errol Flynn's autobiography My Wicked, Wicked Ways, it's his complete lack of shame in going after what he wanted. He loved the company of beautiful women, and his swashbuckling movie persona ensured that he had more attention from them than he could handle. Yet even before becoming famous, it seemed that he had something that women wanted and they were happy for him to seduce them so they could have a taste of it.

Flynn's sense of adventure and willingness to take risks seems to lie at the heart of what made him so appealing to women. He was unashamedly sexual with women, getting into more than the odd spot of bother and ending up accused of statutory rape after some under-age actress with starry eyes got involved with him. Or at least, that's his version of the story. Perhaps it was part of a conspiracy against him, or maybe they just regretted it later and wanted revenge.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Music To Help You Feel Confident

Music is a great way to change your emotional state, helping you feel more positive and confident. Listening to your favorite uplifting music naturally puts you in a good mood and helps you feel confident.

Here's a list of favorite music I keep on my MP3 player to help me feel confident:

Bon Jovi: It's My Life

It's your life, and you can do with it whatever you like. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

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No Doubt: It's My Life

No Doubt's take on the same theme.

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Survivor: Eye Of The Tiger

Classic track for getting pumped up. I know pick-up artists who advise students to listen to this before hitting the clubs to meet women on a Saturday night.

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Kenny Loggins: Danger Zone

Picture yourself on the back of a motorcycle riding along beside the airport, ala Tom Cruise. Works every time.

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Van Halen: Jump

If this doesn't get your heart going, check that you've still got a pulse.

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The Bee Gees: Stayin' Alive

This is a great one for learning to swagger along the street confidently.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

This therapy integrates the most useful parts of Western psychology, and Eastern philosophies. It includes the Buddhist idea that most human suffering is caused by an attachment or desire for things that are often temporary or unattainable. So you start by accepting everything exactly the way it is, without trying to change it. Fighting against reality is the cause of a great deal of our angst and suffering.

Having accepted that things are the way they are and you are exactly the way you are, you can then learn some new skills to help deal more powerfully with life. This is the paradox of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT); but get the balance right, and it works. Integration of other Buddhist and Taoist concepts like mindfulness, expansion, and going-with-the-flow distinguish ACT from other therapies.

An underlying principle is that happiness comes from doing what works in practice, rather than from what we think should work. Ask “Does that work?” instead of “Is that right?” Let go of the need to be right, and of your hard luck story. Letting go of beliefs based on the way we think things should be helps relieve stress and anxiety. Being truly confident means being able to go with the flow, and not needing to be in control all the time.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Emotional Healing

Traumatic or emotionally painful events in our past can leave us with emotionally charged memories that get triggered whenever we find ourselves in similar circumstances later in life. This will undermine your confidence in these situations, as the powerful emotions triggered quickly become overwhelming even though there's no real threat present.

There are a myriad of different life experiences that can cause trauma and emotional pain. Perhaps your parents were emotionally unsupportive, only loved you conditionally when you were good, or didn't approve of your friends, hobbies, interests or career plans. Maybe they argued and left you feeling unsafe in your own home. Perhaps there was abuse and violence in your family. Or your parent's divorced or separated, leaving you wondering if you were to blame. Perhaps your brothers and sisters, or other kids at school didn't accept you, or you were bullied, or the girls didn't want to play with you. Maybe your childhood sweetheart broke up with you, left you for another guy, or just didn't want to be around you in the first place. And then they went on to become a media star, reminding you of the pain every time you saw them on TV even years later.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago