Self Esteem

Overcoming Self-Consciousness

Self-consciousness is a huge problem for us when we lack confidence, because it broadcasts neediness and insecurity to other people. It also makes other people feel ill at ease around us, especially women. Our social interactions suffer, and our self-confidence becomes even more undermined as a result. It's a viscous cycle. So overcoming self-consciousness is an essential step in becoming a confident man.

This is one of the biggest issues I've struggled with in my life, arising as a chronic fear of what other people thought. As a result, in the past I always dressed conservatively and had a conservative hairstyle. This was dreadful as far as attracting and relating to women went.

A big breakthrough for me came a couple of years ago when a stage production I was in gave me an excuse to dye my hair blonde. Getting over the fear of what other people would think and say when I showed up with blonde hair was a big step for me at the time. And the more I've gone down the path of overcoming self-consciousness, the more I've found women both comfortable around me, and attracted to me.

Last month I decided to quit shaving and grow a beard.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton

Radical Honesty, The New Revised Edition: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth

I was blown away by this brilliant book; it totally had me hooked. One of the things that I noticed when talking to Frank the natural was just how brutally honest he was, and that women found this trait very, very attractive. Even if they found him offensive at times, there was something about his disarming honesty that got under their skin. And this book explains what it is, and how to get it.

The author puts the boot straight into the curse of moralism as the cause of our obsessive self-critical thinking and resulting inability to be free to be ourselves, and act instinctively instead of regimentally. He cites two modern-day institutions as prime examples that perpetuate moralism: lawyers and the legal system, and the Catholic church; both of which are rich sources of clients in his psychotherapy practice. By pushing doctrines and sets of rules about what's right and wrong, and how people should behave, these institutions and others like them enslave people to black-and-white thinking that goes against the inherent contradictions of life as a human being.

The result is that we end up stuck in our head, beating ourselves up over natural behavior and trying to work out analytically what behavior we think is right, rather than actually living authentically.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

The Game by Neil Strauss

The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists

An introverted writer goes to meet the world's greatest pick-up artists in order to write a book about their craft. In the process, he becomes one of them. He learns to seduce women by putting on a façade and using a bunch of routines with every word and move scripted. After a while, it becomes natural. In the process, he develops the confidence to attract a woman who actually likes him for who he is, rather than for the pick-up persona he pretends to be.

I was totally intrigued and inspired by this book. Shortly after reading it I started changing the way I related to women and began using some of the techniques it describes. I was quite shocked at the positive way in which women responded. At first I didn't want to believe that the less “nice” I was to a woman, the more she would engage with me. I started “neging” via SMS a much younger girl who I was interested in, and couldn't believe that she kept responding to me. I thought she'd just fob me off and stop replying, which is what used to happen to me all the time, but instead she kept coming back as I kept on teasing her.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

You can Lead a Horse to Water, but You Can’t Make Him Drink

I learned a valuable lesson the other day:

I can't help guys that aren't serious about wanting help!

You see, I was chatting on MSN to a girl I'd dated recently, and she asked me:

“Graham, how is it that you have so many women interested in you?”

“Why do you ask?”, I replied

“Well, I have this friend who's really struggling to meet women. Can you help him?”

My natural reaction was to think “Sure, I love helping guys with this.” But somehow my gut instinct kicked in. Maybe it was the fact that this guy wasn't asking me directly, or perhaps it was just the phase of the moon. But something twigged in me and made me ask:

“Is he serious about this?”

“Yeah. Of course. Why do you think he wouldn't be???”

She seemed offended that I'd even considered the possibility that he might not be serious.

“OK then. Yes, as a matter of fact, I can help him...”

The girl knew that I was a writer, but while we were dating I'd never got around to telling her what I actually wrote about. I went on to explain that I had the perfect answer to her friend's question in the form of my book Confident Man.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Overcoming Limiting Beliefs

I was watching David DeAngelo's Advanced Dating Skills program the other day, and the topic of limiting beliefs was huge. A limiting belief is any belief that inhibits us from having what we want.

The reason that we don't have the success we would like all comes down to the way we behave, and this behavior is ultimately driven by our conscious and unconscious beliefs. Emotions play a big role too, and these are linked to our unconscious beliefs.

Limiting beliefs get learned through our experiences of life, and become built deep into our subconscious. They shape our default response to the world. Once any belief is acquired, our subconscious makes an automatic connection between what we observe in the world and the beliefs that we have, which makes these beliefs self-reinforcing.

We selectively gather evidence that supports our existing beliefs, strengthening them in the process; even if they aren't in our best interests. In some cases a limiting belief was in our best interests in the past, but is no longer working for us; in others, someone else has taught us a limiting belief in the past because it suited their agenda, and we took it on because we didn't know any better.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Advice on Difficulty Approaching Women

Got this question in the email today:

I am 54 years old and have always had a hard time approaching women. I am divorced and wasn't popular in my town because I was a poor athlete and this has always haunted me. Can you give me some advice? I will be going to Cancun, Mexico this summer and want to be attracting women while on vacation.

Here's my reply:

Thanks for your question. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. Sounds like you're hanging onto some emotional baggage from your home town, which is probably compounded by your divorce. So I'd start by looking at the ways in which your existing mindset could be contributing to the problem. Start dealing with your emotional baggage. Consider some therapy. Go into emotional areas you've been afraid of.

At the same time, start developing some of the skills women find attractive. Can you dance? Or play music? Dancing will help you enormously to build self-confidence, and will be really handy down in Cancun. Also learn some new social skills, like how to flirt and how to approach women.

Women love confident men. Grab a copy of my ebook Confident Man, and follow the advice in it.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Wanna Hear an Inspiring Story?

My friend Stan rang last night to give me an update on how he's going with this whole life and dating thing. He recently turned 40, and has been single and frustrated for quite some time. But when I heard his speech at his 40th birthday party last year, I sensed that he was ready to make some changes in his life. He'd had enough of being miserable. He wasn't just going to sit back and keep feeling bitter, resentful or hurt about life any more. He was ready for some action.

So I sent Stan a draft copy of Confident Man as his birthday present. And to be honest, even I have been amazed at what this guy has been up to since then. In short, he's taking massive action, and already getting incredible results.

Flicking quickly through the program in the book, Stan is already well into implementing Steps 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 8, 9 and Skills 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 13. It's incredible. The program is deliberately ordered so you take the Steps and learn the Skills that make the biggest difference first. And that's exactly what he's doing. He's even doing some stuff I'd never thought of, that I'll have to put in the next edition.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Learning How to Approach Women

I'm house-sitting for my sister down in Canberra, Australia's capital city. The only friends I know who live here are either away on holidays or out of contact. I wouldn't mind meeting some new people to hang out with while I'm in town, and I've been inspired by Joseph Matthew's book The Art Of Approaching to have a go at approaching women and starting conversations. I was talking to my friend Ruth about this back in Sydney a few weeks ago, and her advice was this:

“Look Graham, people go out to clubs to meet other people. All you've got to do is to walk up and say 'Hi, I'm Graham'” [puts her hand out to initiate a handshake].

Interesting. I still had a hunch that the wisdom in Joseph's book would help me, but maybe I was over-complicating things a bit. Us analytical guys tend to do that sometimes. So last Friday night I hit the town, to see if I could meet some people in a pub or club. If you're used to doing this, it might seem like a no-brainer; but not to me. I'm the guy who used to have a full-blown panic attack just walking into a nightclub, and the thought of approaching anyone at all, let alone an attractive woman, just freaked me out.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

How to get a Supermodel Girlfriend

I got this email from my friend Bradley yesterday, and was so blown away that I just had to share it with you. I do so with his permission, and with only minor edits to maintain our privacy. I have had such a positive impact on him, he's told me he'd do just about anything for me:

Hey Graham,

It is absolutely wonderful to hear from you Graham. I am sorry that it has taken me so long to get back to you but the last few weeks have been hectic to say the least. I have been busy but not quite as busy as you by the sounds of things. Great to hear that the book is still selling. I have some news for you too. I took your example and I invested in some cd's from David DeAngelo. My personal favourite is Cocky Comedy. I think that is what it is called. Anyway no sooner had I started to use his techniques before I hooked an absolute beauty. I am blown away by how well the system works. Anyway this one is a keeper.

Her name is Natasha, she is 24, brown eyes and jet black hair. She is absolutely drop dead gorgeous.Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago