Self Esteem

Build Self-Esteem by Becoming Self-Validating

If you grew up in an environment where you felt a sense of unconditional love, you probably developed strong self-worth and confidence by default. And you're probably not reading this. But if you felt early on that love was tied to acceptance and approval from other people, you may have developed a bad habit of seeking approval from other people as a way of feeling good about yourself. The problem with seeking validation externally from other people is that our self-worth ends up at the mercy of their moods and on what we imagine other people are thinking of us. This leads to insecurity rather than self-confidence. We feel good when we get approval, but we feel terrible when we don't; or even just if we think we don't. Seeking external validation can become an addiction that causes an endless cycle of highs and lows and leaves us feeling overly self-conscious. [caption id="attachment_3335" align="aligncenter" width="640"] Build Self-Confidence By Becoming Self-Validating.
Image courtesy Pixabay[/caption] I know first hand what this is like, and it's not where you want to be. The solution is to learn to become self-validating, so you're not reliant on other people's approval to feel good. Learn to make choices that are best for you while considering the consequences for yourself and other people. Stop worrying what other people will think all the time. Ironically, the more approval you give yourself, the more you end up getting it from other people; and when you don't, you won't care so much. So here's how to become self-validating: (more…)

By Graham Stoney, ago
Self Esteem

Stem Cell Research Offers Hope To Men With Backbone Injuries

Embryonic stem cell research is offering new hope to millions of men who suffer daily from the effects of backbone injuries acquired during childhood and adolescence. According to Dr Gung-Ho at the University of Penisilvania Medical Centre, this new treatment could offer a permanent cure to men suffering from a specific type of spinal injury that has been dubbed Nice Guy Syndrome.

“I see these guys in my clinic all the time”, says Dr Gung-Ho. “Their condition usually results from an injury to their backbone during childhood or adolescence, often caused by a domineering mother crushing their spirit between the second and third vertebrae”. Dr Gung-Ho also cites a lack of strong fathering as a significant factor in these injuries. “It really has terrible impact on their confidence and self-esteem.”, he says, “These guys grow into spineless men barely able to stand up... for themselves. They suffer teasing and ridicule at school, and never reach their full potential in life. They can't walk tall, so women either avoid them or relegate them to the 'friend zone'. It's a very frustrating condition.”

 

Regular Guy vs Typical Nice Guy Syndrome Sufferer

 

A clinical trial of a radical new treatment is currently under way at the university using injections of embryonic stem cells to regrow the backbone in affected men.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago
Self Esteem

How to Recover from a Christian Upbringing

I grew up in a conservative Christian church-going family. During years of Sunday school, church services and various fellowship groups, I was fed a diet of deception which helped undermine my fragile self-esteem. My sensitivity and having emotionally disconnected parents who were in constant conflict didn't help, and it's difficult to judge exactly how much of the damage was due to religious indoctrination, and how much was simply due to the environment I grew up in. My parents could return from a church service where the minister preached on the theme of “Love”, and have a blazingly abusive argument. Throw in this level of hypocrisy, and you get a boy who grows up into one seriously confused adult.

Were you made to feel small by your childhood religion?

Were you made to feel small by your childhood religion?

Childhood religious teaching has a pervasive effect. For many years into adulthood I continued attending church before I wised up, and even became involved in the church leadership. At the time I believed I was doing the right thing; but looking back I can see how appallingly narrow-minded and naïve I was.

Realising that I had been misled was painful, and didn't suddenly undo overnight the damage that had been done to my psyche over many years.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago
Self Esteem

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert A. Glover

No More Mr. Nice Guy!

The most striking thing I notice that guys who lack confidence and struggle to attract the women they want in their lives have in common is Nice Guy Syndrome. This affliction is characterised by the constant seeking of approval from other people (especially women), an intense fear of rejection, and a misguided belief that we can get our needs met by always being unfailingly “nice” and inoffensive to other people.

Dr. Robert A. Glover is a therapist who works primarily with men who are suffering from Nice Guy Syndrome. As a recovering Nice Guy himself, he has a special insight into Nice Guy Syndrome, and why it is such an ineffective way of getting our needs met as a man. I first heard about his book No More Mr. Nice Guy on one of David DeAngelo's Interviews With Dating Gurus series, and immediately recognised the Nice Guy traits Dr. Glover described, in myself. One of the most telling things was actually a quote from his ex-wife, who told him: “How do I know that you will stand up for me, if you can't even stand up to me?”

The basic working paradigm of the typical Nice Guy that Dr.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago
Self Esteem

Overcoming Self-Consciousness

Self-consciousness is a huge problem for us when we lack confidence, because it broadcasts neediness and insecurity to other people. It also makes other people feel ill at ease around us, especially women. Our social interactions suffer, and our self-confidence becomes even more undermined as a result. It's a viscous cycle. So overcoming self-consciousness is an essential step in becoming a confident man.

This is one of the biggest issues I've struggled with in my life, arising as a chronic fear of what other people thought. As a result, in the past I always dressed conservatively and had a conservative hairstyle. This was dreadful as far as attracting and relating to women went.

A big breakthrough for me came a couple of years ago when a stage production I was in gave me an excuse to dye my hair blonde. Getting over the fear of what other people would think and say when I showed up with blonde hair was a big step for me at the time. And the more I've gone down the path of overcoming self-consciousness, the more I've found women both comfortable around me, and attracted to me.

Last month I decided to quit shaving and grow a beard.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago
Self Esteem

Recovering From Nice Guy Syndrome

When I start hearing the same message coming at me from multiple independent sources, that usually gets my attention. Last year I kept hearing that women want men with backbone who they can “push up against”. They get tired and ultimately resentful of Nice Guys who always yield powerlessly to them, and everyone else.

Nice guy syndrome is caused by too much anxiety and not enough confidence.

I listened to an interview recently where Robert Glover described what is wrong with Nice Guys most succinctly by quoting a comment from his ex-wife, who said “How would I know that you could ever stand up for me, if you can't even stand up to me?”. Robert calls it Nice Guy Syndrome in his book titled No More Mr. Nice Guy! He points out that while Nice Guys think that what they are doing will please other people, ultimately it just leads to resentment. In short, it really pisses women off.

At Passionately Alive, Nicholas talked about the importance of having relationships with people who meet us where we are at, with a similar level of passion. Women want guys who don't just collapse or run away in the face of strong emotions, whether they be the pleasant or unpleasant variety.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago
Self Esteem

Give Yourself Credit

I just got back from a totally fascinating conversation over lunch with my friend Jenny, and her brother Derrick. Jenny lined it up because her brother used to suffer from Chronic Fatigue, something that I've been experiencing for the last 18 months. We talked for quite a while about what causes this most frustrating of mystery illnesses, and whether it could have an emotional basis in some of the unresolved family background and upbringing stuff that I've been working through over the last few years. Jenny had to leave early to get back to work, but Derrick and I continued on as the topic of the conversation turned increasingly towards every man's favorite subject: women.

It turned out that Derrick and I had even more in common than just the family background of dominant mother and ineffective father: a lethal combination when it comes to setting a man up for future interactions with women. We talked about what makes a man attractive to a woman; and what repels them. We talked about the importance of being authentic, and how us sensitive guys often learn implicitly to be insincerely inoffensive nice guys in our interactions with women; and then wonder why we seem to end up powerless- like our fathers were.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago