Hey, it’s Graham here, and I’m feeling cranky today so let’s talk about anger. Now, there are two mistakes you can make with anger. The first one is to suppress it, pretending you don’t feel angry and just push that emotion down. And the second one is to just spew your anger out so that you express it destructively. Now, today I want to talk about the first one of those, which is suppressing your anger, and why we do that and why it’s not a good idea and what you can do about it.

So if you’re anything like me, you grew up in a household and a family and a situation where anger was expressed very destructively. Essentially, I had a mother that was verbally abusive when she was angry and would just spew vitriol at people in a very hurtful manner and a father that would respond with violence sometimes when he was angry. And so living in the family where I grew up felt like walking around on eggshells a lot of the time because I never knew when the next explosion and the next stupid argument was going to flare up.

Now, as a result of this, I made a decision in my head that anger was just a bad and evil thing and that I would never get angry because I didn’t want to ever be like my parents. The problem with this is that when you go out into the world having made a decision that you’re never going to be angry, it causes you a whole lot of problems. One of the problems is that you lack the defense that anger gives you. Anger is a defense mechanism that notifies you that somebody is doing something that violates your values or is dangerous to you or is potentially harmful in some way that you don’t like. And anger motivates you to stand up for yourself, to tell them what you think, to put your fists up, to do whatever you need to do in order to protect yourself in that situation.

If you had decided that anger is just a bad and evil thing that you are never going to experience and that you’re going to suppress, then it’s a little like flying out into the world like the Starship Enterprise with the shields down going into battle. Obviously with no defense mechanism there, you’re going to feel very anxious any time anybody threatens you.

We know when we don’t feel angry, when we don’t feel our anger, that we’re lacking this defense mechanism, and therefore it makes us feel tremendously anxious just out in the world generally. So if you have some kind of anxiety problem or you’re feeling threatened, you feel unsafe in the world generally, have a look at maybe whether you’ve got some anger that you’ve been suppressing.

The obvious telltale signs of this are typical people who I meet and myself included, they walk around saying, “Look, I just don’t get angry,” and often we’ll rationalize this to ourselves by saying, “Well, you know, I’m a nice person. I don’t like being angry. You know, I’m a good person so I don’t normally feel angry.” And often we’ll even be proud of this when in fact it’s a massive problem. It’s a big character deficit.

Now when I meet people who say, “I just don’t get angry,” I often find myself getting very irritated with them because I can see deep down there’s something going on inside. I can often see them starting to get angry and instead of actually saying “I’m angry” will start putting a smile on their face or they’ll start to doing a nice person thing, and it’s just completely inauthentic. It’s fake, and frankly, yeah, it pisses me off. And it’s part of the reason why I’m in a bad mood this morning.

So if you have been repressing your anger, it’s going to cause you a whole heap of problems in your interactions with other people. You’re more likely to suffer from anxiety. You’re not likely to stand up for yourself. You may end up with physical ailments from suppressing emotion. And what tends to happen when we suppress an emotion is one of two things.

One of them is that if we try to suppress one emotion, we end up suppressing all of them. So if you try to squash your anger down, chances are you’re going to end up repressing your happiness, your joy, your peace and your love as well, and you’re just not going to have a very enjoyable life.

The second thing that can happen if we repress and emotion is that it comes out in some other way. So in my case, when I repressed anger, it came out as sadness. I didn’t ever really see a whole lot of sadness in my family growing up, but I figured that it’s at least a less destructive emotion because sadness only really affects me and yet anger I saw hurting other people.

So I didn’t consciously make a decision that I’d replace anger with sadness, but it’s just what happens when you go and push emotion down. It’s got to come out some other kind of way.

What happened for me was I felt sad when people did things that threatened me. Now, you can imagine how well that went down when I turned up to primary school and at high school. Any time somebody bullied me, instead of me being angry and standing up for myself, I would feel sad and I’d start crying, and of course bullies just loved that sort of shit so you end up just get bullied more and the whole thing just spirals down into anxiety, unhappiness, misery and low self-esteem.

If you’re one of those people who has repressed your anger, you feel like you never get angry – hang on, there’s one other telltale sign I want to give you, which is often an experience I would have, is I’d have some encounter with somebody where they would say something I didn’t like, maybe they didn’t listen to me or they didn’t validate my point of view, they just wanted to argue or they were just plain difficult to get on with. And rather than feeling angry at the time, I would just play the nice guy or try to sort it out or use some conflict resolution skills or even just do whatever, and what would happen is for the next few hours later I would be absolutely fuming and I wouldn’t even recognize it as fuming.

All I would recognize is that there’s a voice going on in my head going over and over and over the argument, trying to work out what I should’ve said or I should’ve said that or I should’ve hit them with this or some kind of way that I could hurt this person, essentially, that had made me angry. And in fact the only person I was hurting was me by going over this crap in my head.

So the solution to this is actually to express your anger constructively in the moment when somebody does something that you don’t like, that threatens you, that makes you feel unsafe or whatever triggers that anger for you.

And the simple way to do this is to just say, “Look, I feel really angry when you say whatever they’ve said,” or, “I feel really angry right now.” And you may choose to walk away, you may choose to stay and talk about the thing that you’re angry about. But whatever you do, you need to express the fact that you’re angry in a way that’s constructive.

If you express anger with violence or by attacking somebody else with some verbal criticism, then invariably what you end up doing is hurting somebody else, and if they’re somebody else that you care about, you then go into a shame spiral where you’re going to end up feeling ashamed later of the fact that you’ve hurt somebody that you care about.

You might not notice that at first if you’re particularly angry with them and particularly if you’re not used to expressing your anger you may find that it takes a little bit of practice with this for you to get good at just saying “Look, I’m feeling angry with you right now” and allowing the anger to pass.

I remember having an experience of this when I was doing an acting class where I was in an exercise with a woman who really pissed me off, and we got into a big screaming match during this exercise. And I remember just feeling absolutely livid towards her because she’d been so unreasonable in attacking me during the exercise. And suddenly in the exercise I noticed that she was actually feeling hurt for a moment and I said to her, “Hey, you’re not angry, you’re hurt,” and she said, “Yeah, I am hurt,” and she began to cry. And in that instant I suddenly felt compassion for her and the anger that I had been expressing and that we’d been showing each other just completely vanished. And afterwards I didn’t have this thing going on in my head where I’d play over and over and over the conversation because we’d said that we were angry with each other and we’d got past that to work out what was really going on underneath.

So I’m going to come back with another video about anger later on, but for now just start expressing the anger. Start noticing when you get angry and be prepared that at first it may just be a tiny little hint of anger. You may just be mildly irritated or just a tiny bit unsettled. That’s anger. So rather than saying, you know, “It’s okay,” actually say, “Yeah, I am angry.” You don’t have to be in full flight of fury and rage in order to be angry. Even just a mild irritation is a form of anger, and once you start saying “Look, I’m angry about whatever it is you’re angry about” and just being direct, you’ll start to learn how to express your anger and that will help you to get more in touch with it.

So get out there and start expressing your anger and be more real with people about it. To learn more about unlocking repressed anger and learning to stand up for yourself, check out section 2 of The Confident Man Program.

Build your self-confidence faster with The Confident Man Program


Graham Stoney

I struggled for years with low self-esteem, anxiety and a lack of self-confidence before finding a solution that really worked. I created The Confident Man Program to help other men live the life of their dreams. I also offer 1-on-1 coaching via Skype so if you related to this article contact me about coaching.

26 Comments

Eln · September 7, 2021 at 2:25 pm

I could so relate with some the things that you’ve written. Me too i have come from the dysfunctional family, where my mom is also somehow verbally abusive and on the other hand my father too has anger issues and all these have affected me and the family, where we don’t even feel good to communicate with each other anymore. I have always seen them quarreling and fighting, not once have i saw them considering and showing each other affection. And with all the problems related to it, it eventually led to me repressing my emotions. I am lacking of confidence in me and i get very awkward in any kinds of social interactions. It also affects my studies sometimes. At times i feel so helpless and useless. I know i shouldn’t feel those, i need to be strong and overcome it. Its like i know what should be done but i dont know how it should be done, because i lack of so many things.

shalini · April 28, 2021 at 8:41 pm

I searched for something related to this topic because I feel like I don’t get angry as it bothers me. I can see how it prevents me from taking steps to do what I need to take care of myself because I don’t feel angry. And I find that saying the same thing without feeling angry feels to the other person as if it doesn’t actually bother me as much as it does. I feel like they don’t believe me and thus feel like they don’t have to do anything. And without the anger I don’t feel like trying harder or even leaving if that’s what’s needed.

I have been worried about it actually, he fact that I don’t feel angry, because I feel like it’s leading to one sided relationships where the other person is angry at me for tiny things and I am ok with huge issues even though they do bother me a lot and make me sad. The part about suppressed anger coming out as sadness or anxiety really resonated. I will pay attention to it more and see if I can notice it. Maye it will help.

Graham Stoney · March 24, 2021 at 7:05 am

Yes, I agree. Annoyance and irritation are just degrees of anger. The best way to avoid being overwhelmed as anger rises is to take assertive action before it becomes difficult to control our own behaviour, so we don’t end up self-sabotaging or being manipulated by other people. The day is indeed full of opportunities to practise assertiveness, and get what we want; instead of letting other people walk all over us.

I hear that you feel bemused about people in internet comments being angry at people who “don’t get mad”, but I don’t see the parallel with hunger. I haven’t seen the comments you refer to nor spoken with their authors but I speculate that the people they’re pissed off with won’t admit when they’re angry.

Newt · March 23, 2021 at 1:03 pm

Most anger comes across as arrested development, or papering over fear. The world is full of angry men who didn’t learn the childhood lesson that it very rarely gets you what you want.

The number of comments on the internet that amount to “people who don’t get mad piss me off!” is really quite striking. ” Oh I’m sorry, am I not responding emotionally the way that you feel I should? Wow, one more thing for you to get mad about huh? … Maybe you should talk to someone about that…”

    Graham Stoney · March 23, 2021 at 1:32 pm

    I’m curious about your comment that it “very rarely gets you what you want” and how you’ve experienced this in your life?

    My challenge has been acknowledging my anger so I can channel its energy constructively into assertive action, which increasingly means I do get what I want. I had an instance of this just last night when my neighbour was playing music very loudly in his apartment next door. I found the loud music distracting and felt annoyed, which motivated me to knock and then banged on his door until he responded. I told him I was finding his music distracting and politely asked him to please turn it down. His initial response was hostile, saying that he didn’t complain about my music, which is never that loud. I interpreted this as his own infantile anger being challenged or told what to do, so I asked him to let me know if my music upset him and stood my ground. It took him a while, but 10 minutes later he turned the music down.

    I suspect the motive behind the comments you describe is that when anger isn’t expressed in a healthy manner it often comes out as passive aggression which is challenging to deal with. I certainly find it frustrating dealing with someone who is acting out of anger, but pretending not to be. It’s not that they don’t get mad, it’s that they get mad but won’t acknowledge it. I wonder how you feel when you read those comments?

      Newt · March 23, 2021 at 11:23 pm

      Productivrly done. See, I would describe that as annoyance or irritation – scaling a 1-3 on a scale of 1 to 10. I mean the day is just full of that right? The last time I broke a 5 was something political I can’t remember. … Once you start getting into the higher levels self control starts breaking down and it’s a questionable plan; usually letting someone else control you.

      “Bemusement?” Anger because someone else isn’t angry is like hunger because someone else refuses to be hungry. 😀

Marina Andrijašević · November 5, 2020 at 5:11 pm

Hi! I was wondering do you (like an author,not in general) have any other article about this topic? I would like to know more. Thak you, Marina.

niadna · October 8, 2020 at 5:29 pm

This was super useful! I’ve been thinking that I don’t really feel much anger but now I think I just can’t recognize it when I am experiencing it. Perhaps because of that, I’m terrible at managing it. I’ve noticed that I don’t ‘feel’ anger in the sense that I usually see it in movies etc, it’s more anxiety and confusion. This usually leads to me acting out and fleeing, not a very nice feeling but it’s good to be able to recognize how it’s being expressed.

    Graham Stoney · October 16, 2020 at 6:44 pm

    I’m glad you found it helpful. If you’re not used to feeling and expressing your anger, the energy may be coming out as anxiety.

Paige · July 14, 2020 at 2:05 am

Lately I’ve been thinking “what’s wrong with me?” because I seem to have a hard time feeling emotions in general, but anger in particular. This article made a lot of sense to me since my parents are the same, and it would definitely explain why my sister and I are basically the polar opposite when it comes to expressing emotions.

    Graham Stoney · July 14, 2020 at 3:39 pm

    Glad you found it helpful Paige! You might also enjoy the other articles in the Emotions category. Cheers, Graham

    Yongo Salasini · July 21, 2020 at 8:44 am

    I just wanted to appreciate all the points you’ve noted down in this article….I’ve been feeling frustrated over my imbalanced expression of anger towards things that bother me and I constantly end up in the should have said this spiral you mentioned so there’s alot of anger I have boottled up towards people close to me over things that I could have addressed at the right time but didn’t because I wanted to be “a nice person,” so I’m still mad at them for those things but I’m also still mad at myself for just not being honest when I had the chance…

      Graham Stoney · July 21, 2020 at 11:25 am

      I hear you Yongo, and I acknowledge your frustration over your imbalanced expression of anger in the past. Learning to freely express our emotions is a process and it involves forgiving ourselves for our past behaviour, learning to stand up for ourselves, and forgiving others as we become increasingly assertive and build the life we want. It sounds like you’re on the right track at least. Cheers, Graham

Ashley · May 25, 2020 at 5:06 pm

This is a nice article, thank you. Personally I didn’t have an abusive or violent family, just one where emotions in general weren’t really expressed. And whereas I think I’ve learnt to express love and other emotions a bit better, I think anger is still lacking behind for me because it is the most confrontational kind of emotion. For me it is hard to define what I should accept from a person and when I should be ‘the better person’ or what is completely unacceptable because its hurting me. I tend to see myself as the source of my pain and see I am responsible for how I am feeling… Anyway it was very nice reading it and getting a different perspective on anger. Just a shame you are directing yourself only to men because women obviously often may have the same problem.

    Graham Stoney · May 29, 2020 at 3:18 am

    Hi Ashley,
    I get where you’re coming from regarding anger being potentially confrontational. My fear of conflict and abandonment kicks in and makes it challenging to freely express my anger when I don’t like how someone is treating me. Often I only realise later that I was pissed off. A facilitator of an anger expression workshop I once did described the journey as reducing the time between when someone violates our boundaries and when we feel and express the anger assertively.
    And yes, I suspect many more women have an even tougher time with this than many men do. Thanks for the positive feedback.
    Cheers,
    Graham

Belinda · April 25, 2020 at 9:04 pm

What are your thoughts about getting angry retrospectively? Some traumatic things happened to me as a child and teenager that I felt I was to blame for. I now realise I wasn’t to blame but I can’t summon anger towards those who abused me and were to blame – this does seem to be preventing me from moving on. I can’t find that anger in me.. I wish I could. I just feel sad it happened.

    Graham Stoney · April 26, 2020 at 8:47 am

    Hi Belinda,

    I’d need to know more about the specifics to know for sure but here’s my general thoughts: Anger is a defense mechanism that motivates us to stand up for ourselves so we don’t end up getting hurt. However we’re often socialized to suppress it, especially by adults who prefer to be able to control our behavior to meet their needs. Making us feel guilty for what other people do to us is another way some adults manipulate children, and we can end up learning to substitute a more socially acceptable emotion, such as guilt, for another less acceptable emotion, such as anger. It is possible that you actually are angry but just aren’t in touch with it. One indication of this is if you overreact when similar circumstances to what happened to you as a child occur now in your adult life.

    Underneath anger is usually sadness and grief about what happened to us. The reason for working through retrospective anger in therapy is to release the energy so you can get to the sadness and grief underneath, and this is where the real healing happens. If you’re already feeling sad about what happened, it’s possible that you really aren’t angry about it deep down, since that serves no purpose in your current life. Process the sadness and you should find you get to a place of completion with it, which enables you to move on.

    Cheers,
    Graham

Clark · October 28, 2019 at 2:15 am

Yes,but even before that I didn’t have it.I mean no matter what .A little kid can come up to me and do something that would infuriate most people,but I wouldn’t ,and I don’t like that.It has brought upon me more anxiety to the point where I can’t function.To the point where I don’t have respect for myself.It is really bad for me and I just dont even know what it is.

Clark · October 25, 2019 at 12:35 am

I can’t feel anger when people do bat things to me and it has made me super anxious

    Graham Stoney · October 27, 2019 at 5:14 pm

    Hey Clark. It’s possible that your anger is coming out as anxiety. Have you had experiences in the past when it didn’t feel safe to express your anger?

      Clark · October 28, 2019 at 2:13 am

      Yes,but even before that I didn’t have it.I mean no matter what .A little kid can come up to me and do something that would infuriate most people,but I wouldn’t ,and I don’t like that.It has brought upon me more anxiety to the point where I can’t function.To the point where I don’t have respect for myself.It is really bad for me and I just dont even know what it is.

Craig · October 9, 2019 at 3:06 pm

I totally relate to this, same deal with my parents and same reasoning why I don’t get angry. But I don’t get anxious or feel stress either. Its annoying because feeling a bit stressed can help you focus and get things done. I’m not really sure about saying “I’m angry” when I don’t appear angry, won’t people read that as fake?

    Graham Stoney · October 14, 2019 at 6:03 pm

    Hey Craig. If you don’t feel anger when people treat you in ways you don’t like, then either you’re an enlightened master; or perhaps you’re just out of touch with your anger. I’m guessing the latter given that you’ve sought out this site. I wouldn’t recommend saying “I’m angry” if you don’t feel it at all. Are there times where you do feel at least a hint of irritation though? Alternatively, what were you seeking when you landed at this article?

      Craig · October 15, 2019 at 1:39 am

      Hi,

      I feel annoyace. It may even be anger, but I dont shout or yell or act/appear in anyway stressed/aggressive as I feel this. I cant think it be right to say “Im angry” whilst not appearing to look stressed.

      But stress and anger can be positive emotions to help us achieve goals in life, goals which Im currently not achieving by being so chill.

Jimmie · August 29, 2019 at 11:29 am

I just like to say thank you this is pretty much what I’ve been doing my whole life suppressing the anger and then with all the anxiety

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