I was brought up in a household where anger wasn’t dealt with well, and this caused me to afraid both of other people’s anger, and my own. My parents in particular had long-running arguments which I found frightening to be around and one reason these arguments perpetuated for so long was that they never expressed their anger cleanly. Instead, they let resentment build until it came out as an explosion of verbal abuse and/or physical violence. Learning to manage anger, both my own and other people’s, without shutting down in fear, continues to be a work in progress for me.
Being on the receiving end of somebody else’s hostility can be stressful, so it’s important to be assertive with angry people to stop their stress from entering our emotional boundary.
Use assertiveness to stop other people’s anger entering your emotional boundary.
Women are often socialised to suppress their anger, which makes dealing with an angry woman particularly challenging. They may not recognise that they are angry, or be ashamed of saying so directly. Rather than expressing anger directly, women sometimes resort to passive aggressive strategies which typically don’t get their needs met and feel bad to be on the receiving end of.
This can often be a problem for men too, but men are more likely to be socialised to suppress sadness than anger. That said, I’m an example of a man who has struggled to express his anger, so this isn’t just a problem for women.
Unexpressed anger and can lead to physical and mental illness, and the connection between the two isn’t always obvious. Before I began working through the pain that I was carrying around my critical mother and started learning to stand up for myself, I found I attracted a lot of angry women looking for a man to dump on. My narcissistic mother would never say directly that she was angry; instead, her anger came out in toxic ways like sarcasm, criticism, belittlement and bullying.
So the best way to deal with an angry woman (or man for that matter) is to show empathy and acknowledge that they are angry by saying something like, “You sound angry”. In most instances this will allow them to express the anger cleanly, and give a reason why, allowing it to dissipate and preventing the situation from escalating.
Showing empathy also helps identify whether you want to keep an angry person in your life or not. Notice how they respond when you offer empathy. If they deny it even more angrily, you know you are dealing with somebody who doesn’t want to face up to their own anger. Narcissists in particular can respond with more hostility because of the shame they feel about their inner world being exposed.
Of course it’s possible when offering empathy to someone that I might get it wrong; but if I empathise with someone’s anger and it turns out that they aren’t actually angry, they generally just correct me without sarcasm and hostility.
I don’t mind people getting angry from time to time, but I don’t want women with internalized rage towards men using me as a dumping ground just because I’m sensitive. Women like that are just replaying the dynamic between my mother and father which I don’t wish to recreate in my life.
Up until recently I’ve been an easy target for women’s anger, but the more assertively I act the less it comes my way. If they want to pay me to teach them how to express that anger in a healthy way, I’m up for that. But to do that requires a certain level of self-awareness. You’ve got to be able to acknowledge that the anger is there in the first place, and some people just aren’t ready or willing to do that yet. I walk away from people like that now, and each time I do it’s another step towards breaking the unhealthy relational patterns that I learnt from my parents.
Acknowledging another person’s anger also helps avoid getting sucked into an argument with someone who uses criticism, sarcasm and bullying to inflict harm as an outlet for their anger, by encouraging them to identify and express anger cleanly in order to resolve issues and build a stronger relationship.
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13 Comments
JustRosy · September 20, 2019 at 9:59 pm
How to deal with an angry woman? Put yourself in her situation for as long as she’s expected to be in it, then ask yourself at the end of that time frame how it feels to be in that situation with no way out because some man is acting like you don’t have anything legitimate to say, even though you know that you do.
MGTOW · August 20, 2019 at 10:03 am
MGTOW is the way to go.
Graham Stoney · August 28, 2019 at 9:54 am
I’m curious what your experience of MGTOW has been and how it has helped dealing with angry women?
Kingsley · June 12, 2019 at 2:06 am
Hi Graham, thank you for this article, I really do appreciate it. I am in a similar situation right now, my girl friend had the same issue growing up without her dad and pouring the anger on me, and we are preparing to get married, pleasendontou advice I call it off or go on with it? Because I really love he and she say the same to me but that particular thing she does is a big issue for me, like recently I have been staying away from her and she noticed and have been asking me questions about it, I really need your advice on this one. Thank you very much
Graham Stoney · July 1, 2019 at 12:54 pm
Hi Kingsley,
I’m glad you found the article helpful. My advice would be to tell your girlfriend how you feel when she pours her anger on you. Be specific about the words you hear her use and the way you feel inside when you hear them. It sounds as though she would benefit from having some counselling regarding the way she manages her anger and the issues with her father. As to whether you should marry her, only you can make that decision.
Cheers,
Graham
Diego · April 10, 2016 at 5:23 am
Hi Graham. Thanks for the articles.
I accidentally found your web site by googling “domineering mother”. The thing is I’m dealing with 2 things that we have in common. a controlling mother and an angry woman, which in this case is my ex-wife. My ex’s history is very similar to your ex-friends’, she was abandoned by her father at a young age so she channeled that hate towards me. Getting married was a mistake but having a low self esteem, my guilt didn’t let me take the right decision and say no to her.
One year after divorce, I try the best (as we have a child) to keep a good relation, but I still can’t handle her aggression. Many times I say yes, to avoid a fight, even when I don’t agree. I let her take the decisions. Money is also a problem, I give her more than I should for our child, even when her financial situation is better than mine. My financial situation is bad so I had to come back to live to my controlling mother’s home. Coming back to my mother’s wasn’t easy, specially because it’s in a farm without social life, but the good side is it made me realize the cause of my problems in my relationships. Live in a rural area in Argentina, its hard to find mens therapy groups around, the only option is common therapy. I would appreciate if you send me links on this subject where I can seek help or articles that you wrote.
Cheers
Graham Stoney · April 29, 2016 at 2:52 pm
Thanks for your comment Diego. I hear that the primary women in your life have caused you quite a bit of grief, and continue want to influence on you in ways you don’t really like. Unfortunately when we have unresolved wounds from a controlling mother, we tend to end up attracting controlling damaged women as partners; so it’s not surprising how things worked out with your ex. The good news is that these relationships are opportunities for us to heal our childhood wounds now as an adult. If I was to coach you, I’d help you heal the underlying wound that makes the potential arguments with your ex so uncomfortable and lead you to keep saying “yes” to things that don’t work for you. Standing up to a woman when she’s behaving badly creates boundaries that actually give her a sense of safety in the relationship; although she may not appear appreciative at the time when you say “no” to her, she’ll respect you more than if you keep saying “yes” to everything she wants. (Even though you’re not married, you still have a relationship of sorts since you both want the best for your child). The key is to be assertive without causing harm to the other person, and to learn to tolerate the discomfort of conflict. You may actually find this easier to practise on your ex than on your mother, since the stakes are usually higher with our biological parent. Ultimately, you want to start standing up to your mother too. I recommend you check out my article on How To Recover From A Controlling Mother, and if you’d like to talk 1-on-1 about this, please drop me a line. I’ve found that having support from objective, compassionate people with good communication skills has been, and continues to be a lifeline for preserving my sanity in dealing with my mother! Cheers, Graham
Jerry · March 26, 2016 at 7:37 am
Hi Graham Your comments describing your experiences are very clear and helpful. I can relate to the anxiety, the constant inner critic and the generally low emotional set point as an adult. These are all emotions that are some variation on fear. There aren’t a lot of resources in many towns for men to feel safe enough to go in to this huge area of our wounded psyche. Two hyper critical and controlling parents. I have no desire to see them again. I would like to tell people that there is no need to feel guilty about making this choice.
Graham Stoney · March 26, 2016 at 1:34 pm
Thanks Jerry, I appreciate your response. I totally agree that this is a massive problem for many men. Healing our wounded psyche involves standing up assertively to damaging behavior by our parents or other people who trigger us in similar ways, and this can cause overwhelming feelings of fear and guilt. Not because we’re doing anything wrong, but just because we’re overriding our default damaged programming. That’s why support of other men in the process to not let guilt stop us in our tracks, is so important. Cheers, Graham
Curtis · March 9, 2016 at 8:32 pm
well put Graham. I struggled for some time recently with a woman at work who insisted on ignoring simple propriety in the workplace but when I confronted her on it her response was completely dismissive. I said, “It appears you have a problem with me. I would appreciate you telling me directly so that we can resolve it.” Her response was denial, and something like, “…Well I don’t really know you”. once I realized that she really had no intent on ever getting to know me, it became obvious that she needs attention and assumes that people are out to get her when they don’t give it. Well, I just stopped. I don’t even acknowledge her existence until she asks me something work-related. it was odd one day when she suddenly tried vying for my attention and I really was completely uninterested. It was annoying, to be blunt.
For years this used to bother me because women like this one actually changed the course of my life, and usually for the worse (namely, like yourself, my mother), but my counselor and my men’s group reminded me again and again that there is no need because she has absolutely no power over my life.
I applaud you for bringing up these issues and it was refreshing to read an article of yours as i haven’t read one in a long time. Man it’s amazing how I read your posts much different now than a couple years ago. It is also a testament to the quality of my counselor and men’s therapy group and how far I have come. I look forward to one day joining you on this journey to help men. Thanks for your courage and your input.
Graham Stoney · March 11, 2016 at 3:27 pm
Hey Curtis. Thanks for the comment. I’m glad to hear about the progess that you’ve been making. I often notice that some women treat men however we allow them to. Start standing up for ourselves, and they lose their power over us. Cheers, Graham
Zosia · April 9, 2023 at 11:22 pm
I think this article can come across as sexist. You are insinuating that women have a general issue with anger and that they overreact and act irrational. As if the woman hasn’t got a right to feel angry whatever her situation is. Men get angry too. So the title of this article “How to deal with angry women”, should be retitled as “How to deal with angry people close around you”. I know that you had a rough experience with your ex-friend and with your mother expressing her feelings towards you. I also relate as i was surrounded by toxic female friends who emotionally manipulated me, and my mother who has a very stressful life so often comes across as angry, and toxic at times. But the truth is (perhaps your mother is a narcissistic and toxic person) as kids we only see a fraction of your parent’s life.
Graham Stoney · April 10, 2023 at 1:14 pm
Thank you for your feedback. It wasn’t my intention to imply that anger is an overreaction. It’s perfectly valid feeling but we’re often not taught to express it cleanly. I agree that men get angry too, but male anger triggers a different response for me so I’m focussing on female anger here. On reflection, I wasn’t happy that I based this article on someone else’s story without their consent, and can see in hindsight that I did that because I was angry with them! I’ve rewritten it to fix that, and clarify that men struggle with anger too. Cheers, Graham