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Tag Archives: love
Hi, I'm Graham. I had 18 years of formal education - that's 12 years of primary and high school, and then another six years at university studying engineering - and during that time, I learnt a lot about how to think but very little about how to feel or how my emotions worked.
In fact, I can't remember in that entire time a single class where I sat down and had a teacher teach me how my emotions work.
Now, possibly maybe in art classes or in music classes or maybe even in English they might've come close, but really nothing all that direct and concrete.
And that's a shame because, fundamentally as humans, we're all driven by our emotions. All our behavior is an attempt to either move towards pleasure or move away from pain.
So emotions are absolutely key to getting what we want in life. They're also the key to a successful relationship, especially with women.
So in the rest of this article, I'm going to give you a quick introduction into how your emotions work.
Hey there, it’s Graham from The Confident Man Project again and today I want to talk at you about your family. Family issues have been pretty huge for me so I know a little bit about this and I want to share with you what I have learned, particularly about stopping seeking validation from your family. What tends to happen when we’re young is that our parents experience us as an infant, as a baby, as a child, an adolescent and then by the time we become an adult our parents’ view of us is often so fixed by their earlier experiences of us that they have a lot of trouble accepting who we now are as an adult being different to who we were as a child.
And this is the reason why a lot of the time when we hang around our families we tend to regress back into a child-like state where we behave and relate to our parents and our siblings in much the same way that we did when we were a kid.
That’s not necessarily what you want to do if your childhood experience wasn’t one where you felt reinforced and validated and loved and just nurtured and you had a really fun time all the time.… Continue reading…
Many of us guys lack a basic emotional literacy; we have physical sensations when we're feeling something, but we often don't know how to identify what we're feeling, nor are we able to recognise emotions in other people. Being able to identify emotions is the basis of empathy, which is a core communication skill.
I was telling a female friend of mine recently about a realisation I'd come to regarding the single biggest mistake of my life. The one that had caused me more pain and grief than anything else.
The biggest mistake I ever made was taking on a false belief. An idea, the consequences of which were enormous. It fundamentally changed how I behaved around other people, leading me to suppress and alter my whole concept of who I was. This one belief and it's consequences led me to end up hating myself and thinking there was something wrong with me.
It's an idea that I took on so early in my childhood that I can't even remember when I decided to believe in it. Although I borrowed this idea from the people closest to me while growing up, it was still my choice to adopt it in my own life; something I now regret.
So what was the faulty idea behind the biggest mistake of my life?… Continue reading…
Everything we do is motivated by one of two things: seeking pleasure or avoiding pain. It's not entirely black and white since sometimes it's a mix of both, but usually one or the other is the dominant factor. Some of us tend to be more motivated by pleasure and others more motivated by pain.
Our actions are always motivated by how we expect to feel, and this basically comes down to pleasure versus pain. Yet the two go hand-in-hand: many of the most pleasurable experiences in life involve the risk of pain.
Another way of looking at this is love versus fear. We're either acting out of love, or we're acting out of fear. Perhaps it's a combination of the two. Often we're not even aware of the underlying motivation but if we look closely we can see that it's usually one or the other.
Acting out of love means being vulnerable and since this exposes us to the risk of painful rejection we often don't want to risk it. It seems easier and feels safer to be defensive and act out of fear. But when we do this we miss out on loving and being loved. Our willingness to risk being vulnerable determines how much love we get.… Continue reading…
The way we think has a profound impact on our self-confidence and our success in life. Paul Blackburn and his team at Beyond Success run a great workshop called Resolving The Mindset Riddle that teaches how to deal with our thoughts more powerfully so we can have the confidence and success in life that we really want.
Positive thinking sounds great in theory, but trying to change our thoughts by sheer force of conscious effort rarely works. The key to changing the way you think on a deep and lasting basis is to recognize that most of what goes on in our heads actually happens subconsciously. The conscious part of our brain that we're aware of is relatively small and insignificant compared to our subconscious, which is much more powerful. We don't usually like to admit this, but our subconscious is actually running the show. If you've ever noticed a conflict between what you wanted to do and what you actually ended up doing, it's because your subconscious is in charge.
We're not usually aware of what's going on in our subconscious, but we can get a clue by tapping into our emotions which arise from the subconscious part of our brains.… Continue reading…
Traumatic or emotionally painful events in our past can leave us with emotionally charged memories that get triggered whenever we find ourselves in similar circumstances later in life. This will undermine your confidence in these situations, as the powerful emotions triggered quickly become overwhelming even though there's no real threat present.
There are a myriad of different life experiences that can cause trauma and emotional pain. Perhaps your parents were emotionally unsupportive, only loved you conditionally when you were good, or didn't approve of your friends, hobbies, interests or career plans. Maybe they argued and left you feeling unsafe in your own home. Perhaps there was abuse and violence in your family. Or your parent's divorced or separated, leaving you wondering if you were to blame. Perhaps your brothers and sisters, or other kids at school didn't accept you, or you were bullied, or the girls didn't want to play with you. Maybe your childhood sweetheart broke up with you, left you for another guy, or just didn't want to be around you in the first place. And then they went on to become a media star, reminding you of the pain every time you saw them on TV even years later.… Continue reading…