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Tag Archives: decision making
Here is an exercise for getting out of your head and developing your ability to make choices. Often when we lack self-confidence we lose our ability to make choices because we've been taught in the past that it's not okay to want what we want, it's not okay to like what we like and we have to be kind of bland and neutral about everything.
So in today's exercise we're going to start reinforcing that ability to make choices by making choices about the environment around us, and they can be arbitrary choices if you like. Any choice will do to get kick-started, so let's have a go.
Hey, it's Graham from The Confident Man Project here again and today I want to talk to you about the concept of developing a strong point of view. Now, this is a concept I've borrowed from the acting world and it's very applicable I find to guys, particularly when we lack self-confidence. Often we've given up on having a really strong point of view.
Perhaps our opinion in the past hasn't really been validated or hasn't been valued or other people haven't respected our point of view and we've learnt over time to just become kind of bland and neutral in our ideas about everything.
I've been watching David DeAngelo's Deep Inner Game program with Dr Paul, and it's really brilliant. The program is about developing the mindset that men need to be successful, particularly focused on women, dating and relationships. This mindset is often referred to as our “inner game”, and it really extends to the bigger picture of being confident and successful in life generally.
Here are some of the key things that I've learned:
Many of our problems in relating to other people are caused by having a weak psychological and emotional personal boundary, often viewed as having holes in our boundary.
Saying “No” is how we patch holes in our boundary.
Expressing preferences also helps build our boundary, and demonstrates it to other people. Women find this very attractive, even if their preferences differ from ours. If you're very bad at expressing preferences, you may feel like you don't have any; in which case you may need to start with arbitrary preferences. e.g. I love dogs, I hate cats.
Immature boundaries either have holes, or are thick and impermeable. Mature boundaries have doors that allow us to control what gets in and what does not.
Perfectionism is caused by a hole in our boundary, projecting our own faults and internal ideals out onto other people.… Continue reading…