How To Be A Sexual Man

You might think that being a sexual man would come naturally to every guy; but many of us have had our natural connection to our sexual energy beaten out of us through a combination of family experiences, religion, societal conditioning and past experiences where acting in a sexy manner towards women has led to us being rejected or punished in some way. Self-confidence and sexual confidence are one and the same, so learning how to get back in touch with our innate sexuality is very powerful.

Being A Sexual ManWith this in mind I recently attended a seminar on Being A Sexual Man led by Tantric practitioner Martina Hughes from It's great to hear a woman talking about how women want you to be up front with them about your sexuality, rather than hiding it or “leaving your penis at the door” in your interactions with women. When we pretend that we're not sexual beings in order to get women to like us, we're playing the Nice Guy game and often end up falling into the friend zone where we feel frustrated and emasculated. This doesn't work for us, and it doesn't work for the women in our life either.

When our sexuality is repressed, our life force is repressed. We feel less than alive, particularly in the way that we interact with women. Often this is related to issues that we're still hanging onto around our relationship with our mothers: we haven't really grown up yet and severed the mother/boy relationship we had while growing up so that we can replace it with a woman/man relationship. Women want to relate to us as sexual men, not as little boys.

Repressing our emotions and repressing our sexual energy go hand in hand. Getting back in touch with our emotions and our sexual energy puts us back in touch with the life force inside of us. The most important thing to remember is that women are longing for you to be sexual. They want a man, not a boy.

Sexual energy is powerful so it can't be held down; when we repress our sexual energy it comes out in all sorts of dysfunctional ways that are destructive to ourselves and to other people. Everything has a light side and a dark side, and the dark side of our sexuality comes out when we repress and disconnect from it. Women can sense when we're disconnected from our sexuality and our feelings. We come across as creepy, needy, dishonest or manipulative, leading women to mistrust us intuitively.

Never let a woman emasculate you. Always keep your balls. If a woman can emasculate you, it may give her a temporary feeling of power over you, but she will know that she can no longer trust you. Many men are waiting for women to give them permission to be sexual. Women want you to take the initiative in a way which is respectful of her choices.

There's so much great material in this workshop I got Martina's permission to include the audio as a free bonus product in the Confident Man program. This is over two hours of great material which also covers:

  • How to avoid ending up a woman's best friend (the friend zone)
  • How to open a woman sexually
  • How to navigate open relationships
  • Looking at women without being creepy
  • The negative impact of angry sex
  • Harnessing your sexual energy
  • The spiritual dimension to sexuality.
  • Two meditations for getting in touch with your sexual energy.

It's excellent hearing a woman talk about what women really want from men when it comes to sex.

Listen to the workshop preview here:

How To Have Sex

A close friend of mine was telling me recently of her dissatisfaction and frustration in her experience having sex with men. “I want to feel the sacredness of sex.”, she said, “Guys seem so focused on ejaculation that a lot of the time I just don't enjoy sex at all.”

How to Have Sex

Image by Flickr uggboy

I suspect many women are in the same boat. As the conversation progressed, I got the sense that it wasn't just sacredness that was missing from my friend's sexual encounters. There was a more basic problem: many guys just don't seem to know what they're doing. “Often they're trying to put their penis in my vagina when I'm not even aroused yet. I'm not wet, and it just tears and really hurts.” Ouch. “They don't even seem to know how to turn a woman on. You could say it's just the guys that I'm choosing, but these are conscious guys and one of them had even studied tantra; and they still don't seem to know what to do.”

It may seem pretty basic that a woman needs to be aroused and lubricated before she can enjoy sex, but even getting to that point can be challenging. My friend went on: “When I'm with a guy I want to have sex with, there's always this barrier of fear that comes up for me. I'll be interested in sex, but suddenly there's all this anxiety. All my life I've been pushing myself through that anxiety so that I can have sex, and I just hate pushing myself. I don't want to do that any more.”

Women feel anxious during sex when they don't feel safe. They need to feel safe before they can become aroused, and they need to be aroused before they can enjoy penetration. There's far more to sex for a woman than just penetration and ejaculation, and if you stop and take your breath for a second, you'll notice there's more than this to fully enjoying sex for men too.

If there was one consistent message from my friend's story it's this:

Slow Down!

There's no need to rush. In fact the more you rush, the less satisfying the sex will be for both you and your woman. Men tend to get aroused very quickly by simple visual stimulation. Your average guy is ready for sex in a few seconds, whereas women tend to take much longer to become aroused.

When I asked my friend “Why don't these guys just ask you what you like, and do that?” she replied: “I don't necessarily know. Women don't always know what works for us and what doesn't. We're as clueless as you guys are sometimes. So if you ask me, I'm like... I dunno. But then I'd say to a guy 'Stop; this isn't working for me', and he'd get all defensive and start telling me that I was trying to control him. Guys just don't seem to get it. Someone needs to teach them.”

So if women don't always know what they want, how on earth are guys supposed to do it for them?

Well, that's where communication and exploration come in. Every woman has her own unique preferences but there are some basics that you can safely assume every woman wants when having sex.

The first thing is that a woman needs to feel safe. If she doesn't feel safe, the deal is off. Pretty much everything else depends on this. Your job is to keep the lions from the cave door so that she can relax. If she can't relax, she can't become aroused and everything else isn't going to go well. Sex evokes very strong emotions in a woman (and in a man, if you care to pay attention to how you feel). She will feel the fear my friend described if you don't keep making her feel safe before, during and after sex. This fear will stop her in her tracks, or leave her regretting having sex with you afterward; neither of which you want.

Of course it goes without saying here that the scenario I'm describing is where the woman wants to have sex with you, or is at least open to the possibility. If she definitely doesn't want to have sex with you, it's time to either look at what's going on in your relationship with her or move on.

There's no point blaming a woman for acting frigid if you haven't made her feel safe; yet I've heard several women complain about this and in some cases end up thinking they were frigid. In reality, most likely the guys they were with just didn't pay enough attention to how she was feeling, and in particular that she felt safe. I once had a partner who told me she was frigid, hated kissing, hated being touched and hated sex. After I put some time and effort into connecting with her and making her feel safe, it turned out that she loved kissing and being touched. She just didn't know.

So how do you make a woman feel safe?

This begins long before you go to put your penis in her vagina. It starts with the relationship that you have with the woman. Talking with her. Putting her at ease. Showing her your vulnerability and your strength. Women generally want an emotional connection before a physical one. They want to know that you value them, that you respect and honor them, and that you care about them. Tell her how you feel, especially about her and about getting close to her. Let her know how much you value her as a person and not just as a sexual object.

Women want to connect. It's a basic human need, and you have it too. The more connected you are to the woman, the more arousing you will find your sexual experience with her.

When you focus on connecting with her and meeting her needs, everything else tends to fall into place automatically. Everyone relaxes and our animal instincts usually know where to take it from there. But when you're just pushing to get the job done and have ejaculation as your main agenda, women can sense this and it will trigger their fear at the last minute.

Once she feels safe with you and you have an emotional connection with her, she can relax and begin to become aroused. Then you can start developing your physical connection. Begin by holding her hand, touching her on the leg, stroking her hair. Start with the least vulnerable parts of her body first; don't go charging straight for her breasts or between her legs. Put your hand around the side of her neck and massage the back of her neck under her hair. Kiss her gently on the hand, the shoulders, the neck, the lips.

Kiss her on the lips softly and sensually. The more gently you kiss her, the more aroused she will eventually become; even though it might take longer than with an intense tongue kiss. Sex involves a build-up and release of sexual tension. The longer the build-up takes, the greater the potential for tension and release, and the more amazing the sex will be.

Offer to give her a massage. Massages are awesome for strengthening your connection, helping her to relax, and developing progressively more intimate touch with her. Light a candle, turn the lights down and put on some relaxing music. Get her to lie down on her front on the bed with you straddling her as you massage and stroke her shoulders, neck, scalp, and arms. Do a sensual massage course if you don't know what to do.

During the massage you can progressively remove her clothes as she becomes more and more relaxed and comfortable. Take off her top, and then unhook her bra. If she resists, don't force it. Maybe she's not ready yet. Be patient. Or maybe you're the wrong guy for her, that's possible too. Hopefully you've worked that out by this point.

Once she is feeling relaxed by the back massage, ask her to roll over so that you can do her front. If she wants to get more intimate with you, she'll readily comply. If not, you have to judge if she's just self-conscious or if she's saying she doesn't want anything more than a back massage from you. Many women are self-conscious about their bodies which is why lighting a candle and turning the lights down can help her feel more relaxed. Taking your time can help if she's feeling a bit unsure about whether she wants to have sex with you because she's still feeling a little anxious.

If she doesn't want to roll over because she doesn't want to have sex with you, perhaps you've misread the situation. Or maybe she's having her period but is shy about telling you. Or any one of a myriad of other things that may not even be about you. Having that connection with her that I mentioned earlier will help you avoid ending up feeling frustrated with her because she doesn't want to have sex when you were expecting her to. Let go of your expectations so you can be more present to the moment. Don't get all huffy with her, and don't try and force anything; this will just cause her to feel uncomfortable and that's a big turn-off. So is acting like a whiny child just because you aren't getting what you want. Back off. Ask her if she'd like a cup of tea or dessert or something instead. When she sees that you respect her choice not to get more physically intimate, she may feel safer with you and end up feeling like she wants more intimacy with you after all.

When she's rolled onto her front, start massaging her shoulders gently. Run your fingers through her hair. Tell her what you like about her face, smile, shoulders, neck. Let her know how much you appreciate her. Tell her how much you love her... Breasts. Keep it fun and playful, or romantic depending on the mood.

Take off her bra if you haven't already done so. Begin massaging her breasts gently, starting with the soft tissue and leaving the nipples till last. Stroke all over her front gently before touching her nipples. Stroking her body will arouse her and increase the sexual tension that she feels. You want to turn her on so that she's wanting you to caress her nipples before you actually do so. Go slow; just slightly slower than she really wants you to, so that she feels more sexual tension. You want her to be thinking “Go faster!” rather than “Stop it!”.

Moving slightly slower than what she wants will get her very turned on, while moving too fast when she's not ready will make her feel anxious and turned off. There's no hard and fast rule here and every woman is different, but remember my friend's comment that most guys generally move too fast and need to slow down. You need to rely on your connection with her to judge how comfortable she's feeling, and be willing to change when you get it wrong. Moving more slowly than you could will also mean you get to enjoy the sexual intimacy for longer and increase your own sexual tension, meaning a more satisfying climax... when you eventually get to that. It's not just good for her; it's good for you too.

After stroking her upper body for a while, gradually move down towards her lower body. Stroke her hips, belly and legs. Experiment with her belly button; some women find an immediate sensation in their vagina when you play with their belly button which can be very arousing. Others dislike it and find it a big turn off. Explore playfully. If something works, do more of it. If not, move on to something else.

As you stroke her legs, thighs and hips, return every now and then to stroke her upper body, shoulders, breasts and nipples. Tease her gently by keeping on returning to the less sexual parts of her body and increasing the time you spend on her nipples and inner thighs very gradually. Occasionally start running your hand down just inside her panties until you can feel her pubic hair (or the lack thereof); then come back out again and stroke the rest of her body more. Go a little further down towards her genitals each time you stroke her body so she starts to feel that you're teasing her. Again, you want to proceed just a little slower than she seems to want, so that her sexual tension and desire increases.

She'll generally remove her panties at this point if she hasn't already done so. If you're on the right track, now she's completely naked, very turned on, feeling very safe and comfortable with you.

If she resists removing her panties, perhaps she's just not comfortable yet, maybe you're moving too fast, or perhaps she's decided not to go all the way with you. Either way, honor her choice. Hopefully you've got that all-important emotional connection with her and so you know what's going on for her. Go back to doing what you were doing before she felt anxious. She may relax and want to go further later. Or she may not. If she's saying “No”, either explicitly or implicitly, honor it. It may turn into a “Yes” later. Or it may not. Be prepared to let it go, no matter how turned on you are.

If you're using a condom to prevent pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted disease, you need to put the condom on before your penis makes any contact with her genitals, before any of her bodily fluids coming onto contact with your penis, and before you get so carried away that you're likely to just proceed without it.

Some women love to talk and will tell you what's going on for them. Others are more shy and want you to work it out. An obvious green light for going forward is the woman removing your clothes throughout the process while you're removing hers. So by this time, you're generally both naked.

Cuddle her. Occasionally stop caressing and just give her a lovely naked cuddle. This feels fantastic, and also allows the sexual tension to relax a little. You get more sexual tension by escalating physical contact for a while and then backing off a bit, and then going back to more intense stroking again later. Take a step forward, and then back off a little; this applies every step of the way.

When you go back to stroking her body, keep getting closer to her genitals each time you stroke her hair, neck, shoulders, arms, breasts, hips and legs. Let her stroke, caress and arouse you too. Take note of the parts of her body that seem to make her particularly relaxed or aroused, and keep returning to them. Casually brush your hand past her labia (the lips that surround the vagina) each time you stroke her inner thighs. Spend increasingly more time exploring her pubic hair and labia as you alternate between touching her genitals and stroking the rest of her body. Lick and gently suck her nipples as you play between her legs with your hand. Kiss her gently on the lips and leave her wanting more.

Gently and slowly work your way in between her labia with your fingers. Explore the front of her vulva and find her clitoris. Tease her clitoris by running your finger over it very gently and briefly, then stroking back up to her breasts and shoulders. Avoid the temptation to charge straight for the clitoris too early, or to spend too long there. You want to tease her and have her almost begging for more so that she becomes turned on like crazy. Massage gently and slowly around the clitoris in a circular motion so that you're only just touching it or almost touching it.

The clitoris is extremely sensitive, and women find it painful if you touch it too hard or for too long. Try holding her clitoris gently between your thumb and forefinger occasionally and see how she reacts. Don't stay too long, and don't try and hold her clitoris if she clearly doesn't enjoy the sensation. Massage around the clitoris with different speeds and pressures to see what creates the deepest pleasure for her. Keep going back to stroke other parts of her body to create a yearning for more clitoral contact in her.

By now she should be very turned on and you'll feel wetness from her vagina every time you stroke between her labia. Use the moisture to lubricate your fingers as you gently massage her labia, vulva and clitoris. Slowly start to move your fingers in towards her vagina and run your finger teasingly around the opening just inside her vagina. It should be very wet. If not, stroke her body again and give more attention to kissing her gently and caressing her nipples. Go with the flow of doing what feels good for her, based on what she asks for or what seems to get a positive reaction from her. Ask her what she would like you to do occasionally but don't hound her with questions that make her feel like she has to perform for you. Some women love to be asked; some prefer you to work it out or to experiment with her.

If you are connected emotionally and she feels safe, the two of you will be able to experiment and discover what works for her and what works for you. If she's intolerant when you try something that doesn't work, you're either missing the connection or she's not the sort of woman you want to be with. Sex is a partnership and you learn what each other likes by experimenting and communicating with each other.

By now, she's practically begging for you to be inside her. You definitely need the condom on by now, if you're planning on using one. Try waiting until she actually says “I want you inside me!” before putting your penis inside her; many women are shy about this and waiting for her to ask means she's probably been wanting it for a while and is becoming extremely aroused with all the tension. It also means you can be certain she's ready.

Penetrate her vagina gently with your penis. Give her a brief taste of what it feels like and allow her to relax into the feeling for a little while, then take it out again and keep kissing and stroking her. Allow the sexual tension to increase again to a new height before penetrating her again. Go a little deeper and stay longer each time, then come back out and do more stroking. Keep repeating as she goes more and more crazy with excitement and desire. Whenever you feel that you're going to ejaculate inside her, pull back and go back to kissing and stroking her. Learn where your “edge” is beyond which you'll ejaculate and keep going up to that edge before pulling out of her and going back to cuddling, stroking and kissing. Keep repeating this process staying close to your edge until she orgasms, at which point you'll also orgasm and ejaculate.

Then hold her close, cuddle her, and fall asleep in each others arms. Or go back to stroking for another round. Whatever you're both up for.

Now of course there are a zillion variations on this script, and you don't want to do the same thing every time or it will become mechanical; but this should give you an idea. There are plenty of variations you can try and this is just a guide.

Given that women can have multiple orgasms, it can be nice to give her an orgasm by stimulating around her clitoris before penetrating her, and then arousing her again to the point where she orgasms with you inside her. Men can also orgasm more than once if you keep cuddling and kissing to relax after you ejaculate. With tantric practice you can even separate your orgasm from your ejaculation and last much longer. And don't get me started on variations like BDSM, which tend to require more trust and safety.

Generally, us guys find it hard to stay motivated once we ejaculate. It's better to focus on turning the woman on than on getting our happy ending. The longer you delay ejaculation, the longer you can both enjoy sex and the more intense your orgasms will be. Women take longer to warm up than we do, so take the time to enjoy the foreplay and the physical touch preceding penetration. Simultaneous orgasm is amazing when it happens, but when it doesn't it's generally better if the woman comes before you do.

Some women experience anxiety and frustration about orgasm. They may feel pressured if they think you're trying to make them come or perform for you. Orgasm isn't something a person does, it's something we experience. Focus on connecting to her, relaxing her and pleasuring her, not on needing her to come.

Sex works best when each person focuses on making the other person feel fantastic. If you're giving your all to your woman but she's not reciprocating, talk about it; perhaps there's something in the way for her. Be as generous as you can sexually, and find a woman who feels the same way and will treat you like a king while you treat her like a goddess.

I think that should alleviate my friend's frustration.

How To Make A Woman Orgasm

This talk by Nicole Daedone explains how to make a woman orgasm when you have sex:

Here's my summary:

  • Take it slow
  • Make her feel comfortable, so she can relax
  • Focus on pleasuring her
  • Communicate so that you connect with her; this is key
  • Gently stroke around her clitoris

Pretty simple really...

My Wicked, Wicked Ways by Errol Flynn

“I like to enjoy the thrill of living every day; every hour of the day. For we are only here this once, and let's feel the wind while we may.” - Errol Flynn, My Wicked, Wicked Ways

If there's one theme that shines through from legendary actor and ladies' man Errol Flynn's autobiography My Wicked, Wicked Ways, it's his complete lack of shame in going after what he wanted. He loved the company of beautiful women, and his swashbuckling movie persona ensured that he had more attention from them than he could handle. Yet even before becoming famous, it seemed that he had something that women wanted and they were happy for him to seduce them so they could have a taste of it.

Flynn's sense of adventure and willingness to take risks seems to lie at the heart of what made him so appealing to women. He was unashamedly sexual with women, getting into more than the odd spot of bother and ending up accused of statutory rape after some under-age actress with starry eyes got involved with him. Or at least, that's his version of the story. Perhaps it was part of a conspiracy against him, or maybe they just regretted it later and wanted revenge. Flynn felt that the many women he had sex with enjoyed the adventure just as much as he did, so why change his ways?

Yet underneath the Hollywood persona, he was filled with self-loathing and often deeply unhappy. Any man who has ever heard the expression “In like Flynn” must wonder how this can possibly be.

His dream had been to be a writer but he became famous for playing a stereotyped Don Juan style character in movies controlled by studio executives. He longed for freedom but led an extravagant lifestyle which required him to work in order to finance it. His relationships were marked by disharmony, conflict and unhappiness. He felt a tremendous inner conflict between being the man he wanted to be who was taken seriously by others, and following his passion for freedom, adventure and women. Flynn ended up hating the very work that made him most famous and while most men struggle to get women into their lives, his struggle was to get them out. He drank heavily to avoid the pain and whiled away his time in a constant search for adventure and passion with women.

Flynn doesn't really speculate on how much of this can be traced back to his childhood in Australia's southern island state of Tasmania, but it's interesting that he had a hostile relationship with his controlling mother. I'm left wondering how much of his passion for freedom and adventure was in reaction to his mother's influence and how much was just the normal innate longing that so many of us as men have allowed to be crushed by our early life experience. He certainly never lacked confidence, preferring to take risks come-what-may and “enjoy the thrill of living every day”.

Underneath the moments of passion, Flynn seemed to end up mostly unfulfilled. I can't help but see this autobiography as a cautionary tale on the need to resolve our inner conflicts and work toward a balance of seeking freedom and adventure without creating destructive relationships that lead to personal misery and lack of deep fulfillment in life.

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Sound appealing? Porn offers instant visual stimulation and sexual gratification in the comfort of your own home or office, without all the usual hassles of a relationship with an actual woman. And the Internet is awash with it. Look hard enough and you'll find it for free; but if you're in a hurry you can whip your credit card out and find multiple lifetimes worth of visual stimulus streamed to your computer in an instant. Just don't get caught at work, avoid anything illegal and you'll stay out of trouble.

You might feel a bit ashamed though; but hey, who are other people to judge you for what you do in your spare time? They're probably doing it too. Just about every guy is, after all. Those hypocrites!

Time for a reality check though. Is free porn really free? And even if you do pay for it, is it worth the real cost?

If you overlook for a moment the general grungyness of the industry that produces it and the way most so-called porn stars get treated, one of the remaining problems with porn is that time you spend looking at pornography is time that you're not spending developing communication skills and relationships with real people. Including real women you could potentially end up in a sexually fulfilling relationship with. If you don't know any women with sexual relationship potential or have no idea how to meet them, you're wasting time that you could be spending learning how to meet women in the real world.

Porn also gives you a rather distorted view of what women like to do sexually. Sure, some women like to have sex like a porn star and there is a sort of glamor in the porn-star image that can be fun to play with. But before a woman will experiment sexually, she needs to feel safe and feel like she can trust you. Trust develops over time as you relate together. It doesn't just switch straight on like an Internet porn video.

Building trust with a woman requires social skills that you just don't see in porn videos. A hot woman turns up at the door answering an advertisement for a room for rent. She's sweet-as, like the girl next door, and really pretty. Mike answers, invites her in and tells her that the rent is a f_ck a night. She thinks for a minute before answering affirmatively by dropping her panties and he takes her for all she's worth right there on camera.

Yeah, right. This just doesn't happen in the real world. Women are emotional creatures wanting love, intimacy, safety, security and a sense of being cared for. When they get this, they feel comfortable to experiment and push their sexual boundaries. There's not a whole lot of secure caring going on in porn though.

Porn is most attractive when we're lonely, depressed and sexually frustrated. It's a short-term cure to a long-term problem. It's a bit like smoking cigarettes to relieve stress: you get brief relief, but in the longer term it's counter-productive.

I don't see the occasional glimpse of porn as anything to be too worried about. I look every now and then when I want a quick escape, but nowadays it just reminds me how futile and ultimately frustrating porn is. If you're spending large amounts of time looking at porn then you're wasting a valuable resource that you could be using to build your confidence, meet women, or make yourself more interesting and attractive to women. If you're using porn to avoid unpleasant feelings like loneliness and boredom, then start identifying and dealing with the underlying causes.

Develop your social skills. Take up new interests. Expand your horizons. When you feel the urge to view porn, pick up the phone and call a female friend for a chat instead; or a guy friend if you don't have any. Organize to do something socially with new people. Plan a party and get your friends to invite their female friends. There are hundreds of ways to meet women in the real world. Turn off your computer, get out there and do it.

Relationships with real women will always have infinitely more potential for fulfillment than porn can ever offer. They just take longer to establish, and many guys hooked on porn don't know where to start. Well here's my tip: start by making a commitment to building your confidence with real women in environments where women hang out. You'll naturally start attracting women you're interested in and living the sex life you desire in the real world, rather than fantasizing over online porn with the hidden strings it has attached.