Comments on: Recovering From Nice Guy Syndrome

By: Matt

Matt — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 23:16:24 +0000

While it might not be entirely true that nice guys finish last, you rarely see them having a win, do you?

When you break it down to a primal/survival level, of course a woman is going to find a man who 'has a spine,' more attractive. They instinctivly want to know both themselves and their future children can be protected by their partner.

While we have evolved, there are just some things you can't budge from the brain and that, I believe, is most certainly one of them!
Matt recently posted..Muslim Dating from an Outsiders Outlook (dofollow)

By: Graham Stoney

Graham Stoney — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 08:34:10 +0000

Hey Paul. I wouldn't go quite so far as to call it a mental disease, but it's basically a combination of anxiety, shame, and using ineffective communication skills while trying to get our needs met. But yes, the first problem is acknowledging that we've got it. Cheers, Graham

By: Paul

Paul — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 08:07:38 +0000

Hi Graham, when I had it, I definitely didn't know I did. Even when I got acquainted with the concept, I still refused to accept it applies to me. Is the nice guy syndrome a mental disease? Thanks for the advice.

By: Graham Stoney

Graham Stoney — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 23:34:51 +0000

Hey Rashad. Although it mightn't seem it, I think you're in a really great place. I wish I'd had your level of awareness at age 18; awareness is the first step and most important step. Once you have that, you'll naturally start noticing opportunities to do something about it. My advice is to start expressing what you want and how you feel despite the discomfort you feel, so that you learn to deal with discomfort, conflict and rejection. The underlying belief behind Nice Guy Syndrome is that we aren't good enough, and we will be overwhelmed with anxiety if we actually start being true to ourselves around other people. As you start putting out what you really want, feel and think, you'll start chipping away at the anxiety and discover that you don't always end up overwhelmed; in fact, it feels liberating. And when you do get overwhelmed, it's not terminal. Get on my online course if you aren't already, and do the exercises to get out of your head and out of your comfort zone. Hit the forums too and ask anything you like there; they're quiet at the moment, but it'll be a great resource once everyone starts using them. You have a bright future having discovered this so young; I know 50 year olds who have only just discovered the insights you now have, and ~80 year olds who still haven't got it. Good luck! Graham.

By: Rashad

Rashad — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 18:08:12 +0000

At the ripe old age of 18, I have a feeling that I'm heading in this direction. I've never had anyone interested in me and every girl I was interested in eventually played the friend zone card. I don't blame them because I know it's a problem I have with myself.
I noticed I have these traits for "Nice Guy Syndrome":
Not asking for what I really wanted
Not speaking up for myself
Feeling like I was never good enough
Pandering to the lowest common conservative denominator
Thing is, I've had my life pretty easy until now and I honestly feel really bad inside that I am complaining. Every time I go through these thoughts, I just mentally kick myself for feeling sorry for myself because I don't have any real conflict experience. Any extra advice you could give?

By: Graham Stoney

Graham Stoney — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 00:26:19 +0000

Your Dad's idea of "handling yourself" probably meant keeping your feelings to yourself because he was uncomfortable with any emotions, including yours. He meant well, but it's not a very helpful role model when it comes to relationships or being a fully self-expressed and happy person. The tough guy act is just a way of avoiding your feelings; you hate it because deep down you know it's not really you. This would explain why you're overly sensitive to your wife's feelings, and why you don't get the acceptance and approval you crave: People relate deepest on the emotional level, and your Dad shamed you into denying yours. The solution is to learn to feel and express your feelings. Learn to play music if you don't already. Get some emotional healing. Start telling your wife and others how you actually feel, and just allow your emotions to be and to flow naturally. It may feel unnatural at first, since you're out of practice at it. Also read the article on how to recover from a passive father. Expect some ups and downs as you join life's emotional rollercoaster; it's natural. Remind yourself that the more you reveal your true self and the less you seek other people's approval, the more it comes your way. Good luck!

By: G

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 14:26:22 +0000

Hi these are the ones I definitely have:

Seeking approval and validation from other people
Trying to make other people like me
Taking responsibility for other people’s feelings (yes with wife )
Not asking for what I really wanted
Not speaking up for myself
Feeling like I was never good enough
Pandering to the lowest common conservative denominator

But I was brought up to be a tough guy so a lot of this I don't have. I hate being the tough guy and the perceived image of toughness. My Dad drilled it into me that I had be able handle myself. My dad was a good man though the only thing he was probably quite passive. Therefore I cannot socialize and make friends. Any advice?