Helping Men to Be Confident

Palm tree growing in the shadow of another tree

What Are You Living In The Shadow Of?

Palm tree growing in the shadow of another tree

What are you living in the shadow of?

In the backyard of my sister’s holiday house where I’m currently staying is this palm tree on the right of and growing very close to a larger gum tree. The palm is living it’s life in the shadow of the other tree and you can see that it’s not as big or as luscious as palm trees usually are. In fact, it looks mangy and emaciated. Not flourishing. The leaves are small, few and far between. They fall off easily. This palm tree is not exactly fulfilling its full potential.

That’s because the shadow from the other tree blocks the sunlight, and they’re so close to each other that their root systems have got to be entangled and choking each other. It’s probably fair to say that as a result the slightly larger tree isn’t growing to its full potential either.

Now I’m sure that my sister’s septic system is glad these two trees aren’t growing gangbusters, because they’d be sending their roots down into it. Or at least, it would be glad if septic systems had feelings; which I’m pretty sure they don’t. They’d be pretty cranky at all the crap they have to put up with.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

How to Recover from a Violent or Abusive Childhood

Being abused as a child or being raised in an abusive environment can have a profoundly negative effect on your adult self-esteem. As children we generalize our experiences and assume that the whole world operates the same as our immediate circumstances. If we felt unsafe, unloved, unfairly criticized or hurt as a child by the people who were supposed to take care of us, it can affect our whole perspective on life and be devastating to our self-confidence.

Abuse leaves us feeling isolated from other people, and our true self

Abuse leaves us feeling isolated from other people, and our true self

Domestic violence, verbal, emotional and sexual abuse during childhood are insidious because they destroy our natural sense of trust and color our view of the world and the people in it, making it seem like a dangerous and scary place.

We don’t necessarily need to be the immediate target of abuse in order for it to affect us. I grew up with a critical, dominant mother who was verbally abusive to my relatively [intlink id=”518″ type=”post”]passive and emotionally neutered father[/intlink]. He bottled up his feelings of frustration so they built to the point where he would explode violently.

It was mostly my parents who were on the receiving end of each others abusive treatment, but as a sensitive child I was traumatized by growing up in an environment where I felt unsafe and on edge much of the time.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

How to Handle Criticism

I’ve never been a big fan of criticism; even when it’s accurate or well-intended, it’s all too easy to trigger emotional memories of times when painful criticism was leveled at me as a defense by other people who were avoiding dealing with their own issues. I had a critical mother who often used the phrase “If your mother can’t tell you, who can?” to justify perfectionist and often just plain hurtful criticism. My early experiences with her started a pattern of being overly defensive and not taking criticism at all well.

Criticism says more about them than it does about us.

Criticism says more about them than it does about us.

So now rather than reacting emotionally to criticism, I try to respond as constructively to it as I can. For example, there was recently some criticism of The Confident Man Project in a thread on the social anxiety support forums, so I’ll use this to illustrate how to respond to criticism.

Notice Your Emotional Reaction

We’re all emotional creatures deep down. When we get criticised, our first reaction is an emotional one. Acting on this raw emotion may or may not be the most useful thing to do depending on the circumstances. For instance there may be times when unwarranted criticism makes us angry, and our anger motivates us to stand up for ourselves where we otherwise may let someone else’s agenda walk all over us.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

100 Ways To Meet Women

There are women out there all over the place. Why do so many guys have trouble meeting them? After all, there must be at least 100 ways to meet women. Some of them will probably even involve nudity. Let’s see:

  1. Go to a Yoga class

  2. Go backpacking in youth hostels

  3. Do a meditation class

  4. Go to Resolving The Mindset Riddle

  5. Enroll in a Guitar class

  6. Join a 12-step therapy group

  7. Go to Improv classes

  8. Go to comedy festivals

  9. Ask for movie advice in the ticket queue at the cinemas

  10. Participate in a Spencer Tunick photo shoot.

  11. Take acting classes

  12. Go to art installations

  13. Go to Breakthrough To Success

  14. Join an Amnesty International letter writing group

  15. Take life drawing classes

  16. See live theater

  17. Learn to play music

  18. Start your own business and go business networking

  19. Study Psychology

  20. Take a life coach training course

  21. Get into personal development

  22. Become a life model

  23. Go to rock concerts

  24. Volunteer for the political party with the most attractive male candidate

  25. Hang out with your female friends, and meet their friends

  26. Go to bars

  27. Do a Yoga retreat

  28. Go on a naturist holiday tour

  29. Join Greenpeace and start participating

  30. See live music

  31. Go to the beach with friends

  32. Do a road trip to another state

  33. Join a writer’s group

  34. Talk around the water cooler at work

  35. Do volunteer work

  36. Organize your own house party

  37. Do a health retreat

  38. Backpack across Europe, Australia, Asia, Africa or America.

… Continue reading…
By Graham Stoney, ago

How to Manage Stress

Stress is the unspoken epidemic of the 21st century. There’s too much to do, too much pressure, too many people to please. We feel restless, tense and on edge much of the time. You can’t relax. After a while, you begin to think that this is normal; the way you’re supposed to feel all the time. You get addicted to your own adrenalin.

You never take the time to even breathe properly. You push, and push, and push as though your life depends on doing what you think you need to do. There’s never enough time. And when your current project is done, there’s always a new one to work on. The pressure never ends. You get headaches frequently, but push on regardless.

Left untreated, chronic stress will destroy your health and rob you of your zest for life. Eventually you burn out, give up, fall ill, get depressed and just don’t care any more. It’s important to learn how to manage stress before that happens. Here are some tips on how to do it:

Take Regular Breaks

Your body isn’t built to handle the non-stop adrenaline rush of chronic stress. If you live in a constantly adrenalin charged state, eventually your health will suffer.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

How to be Confident with Women

A lot of guys who are confident and capable in most areas of life still struggle when it comes to meeting and relating to women confidently. Just because you’re good at your job, successful in business, sport or hobbies doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be confident with women.

On the other hand, confidence with women does tend to flow over into every other area of your life. It’s just one of those fundamental things that effects your whole life when you master it. So here’s how to relate to women confidently:

Ask Yourself What You Really Want From Women

What is it you’re really looking for from women anyway? Is it love, intimacy, sex or a relationship? Or are you really seeking validation and approval from them, trying to compensate for a lack of true self-esteem? Most guys who struggle to feel confident with women are still trying to make up for childhood love we didn’t get from our mothers or stability we didn’t get from our fathers. If you had an [intlink id=”480″ type=”post”]emotionally disconnected mother[/intlink], or a [intlink id=”518″ type=”post”]passive or emotionally unstable father[/intlink], this can undermine your self-esteem and show up as nervousness around women.

If you have mother or father issues that are unresolved, get some emotional healing so you don’t carry this emotional baggage straight into your next interaction with a woman.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Acting Classes

Taking an acting class isn’t your traditional type of therapy, but it can dramatically boost your self-confidence. The great thing about acting classes is that they give you permission to expand the emotional boundaries of your personality, and you discover that you aren’t as limited as you thought.

Acting teacher Sanford Meisner described acting as “Living truthfully under imaginary circumstances”. When you learn to act, you confront those areas of your life where you’re inhibited, holding back, and living in-authentically. You also get permission to go into areas where your personality normally wouldn’t go, and realize that there are other authentic roles in life that you could play than the one you’ve been playing up till now.

Acting is particularly good at affirming your emotional nature as a human being. If you normally hold back on expressing how you feel, an acting class will snap you out of it. Even just being in an environment with creative people whose lifeblood depends on the ability to feel and express emotion is liberating.

If you want to meet women, an acting class is a great place to do it. You’ll work together on scripts and scenes where they’ll get to see a side of you that you probably don’t often show and may not even be aware of at the moment.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Shamanic Healing

The word Shaman simply means “healer”, but when I first came across Shaminism I had to overcome my own latent prejudice from my Christian background. Lucky I did, because the Shamanic healing training I’ve done has been the most powerful of everything I’ve tried.

Your typical modern-day Shaman uses a combination of ancient healing techniques mixed with ideas from modern psychology. Shamans often use rituals to trigger your mind and body’s natural emotional and physical healing processes.

Advantages:

  • Rituals bypass our subconscious blockages that prevent natural healing

  • Uses ancient wisdom discovered over centuries

  • Integrates modern psychology and therapy practices

Disadvantages:

  • It’s all a bit woo-woo

  • Shamanic healers aren’t licensed therapists

  • You may be so skeptical that it won’t work, or you won’t try it

  • Some rituals involve substances that are toxic and/or mind-altering

  • Mainstream therapists tend to disapprove of Shamanic healers

… Continue reading…
By Graham Stoney, ago

Life Coaching

A good life coach helps you identify your core values, picture your dream life congruent with these values, set goals to strive towards in making your dream a reality, and break your goals down into small achievable steps that you can take to work towards achieving them. It’s about working out what will make you most happy and fulfilled in life, developing a plan to help you get there, and supporting you along the way.

A Life Coach can help you find the path to success and happiness.

Having a coach is like having a friend who is always really honest with you and on your side no matter what. They can help you celebrate your successes and motivate you when the going gets tough so you don’t give up. They also help you identify and resolve blind spots, emotional barriers and other issues that get in the way of your personal happiness which you mightn’t otherwise recognize.

You might think that a good friend could do everything for you that a life coach can, and that would be true if your friends are all positive, encouraging, success-oriented and don’t let their personal agenda get in the way of supporting you.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago

Men’s Groups

Men’s Groups are a stepping stone between group therapy and the real world, aimed at dealing with issues from a masculine perspective. You can be open and honest without being labelled sexist or worrying what the women will think. Traditional tribal groups passed on secret men’s business to boys when they were initiated into manhood, but modern western society leaves most boys bewildered when we become men. This is one of the rare opportunities you get to discuss men’s wisdom and pass it on.

Joining a Men's Group is a great way to build self-confidence.

Joining a Men’s Group is a great way to build self-confidence.

A good men’s group has a range of ages and life experiences, where everyone can both contribute and learn from each other. It’s also an opportunity to get the fathering that you may have missed out on if your father was passive, physically or emotionally absent. Leadership of the group often rotates, giving you the opportunity to learn to lead other men. It’s a chance to get in touch with your masculine power.

Many of the successful men I know are members of a men’s group. They are highly recommended in Steve Biddulph’s excellent book Manhood. I attend a monthly men’s group, and find it tremendously valuable.… Continue reading…

By Graham Stoney, ago