The Confident Man Project

What To Do If You "Never Get Angry"

Graham Stoney — Wed, 09 May 2012 01:20:58 +0000

I know a lot of nice guys who say that they generally just don't ever feel angry. I can relate to them, because I used to be exactly the same: I repressed my anger to the point where I didn't even feel it any more. Yet certain situations would really bug me: when someone said or did something that should rightly have made me angry, I'd end up ruminating on it for hours, going over and over a conversation in my head replaying all the things I would have liked to have said until it drove me crazy. If only I had allowed myself to be angry! In fact, I was angry; but I just didn't express it at the time and so I paid the price for it in self-recrimination later.

When we tell ourselves that we never get angry, we are just lying to ourselves. We're playing the nice guy game to avoid conflict. And the problem with this is that we don't end up standing up for ourselves. Feeling angry is normal: it's an emotion that motivates us to stand up for what is important to us. If we repress our anger, we just end up angry with ourselves and that's a recipe for misery and depression.

Women are attracted to guys who freely express their anger, because they see a man who is capable of defending them if the going gets tough. When a woman senses that a man cannot or will not stand up and defend himself, she loses attraction for him; she's biologically wired to seek out a man who has the confidence to protect her when she is feeling vulnerable.

So if you never find yourself getting angry, it's time to start unlocking your anger and learning to express it constructively. Watch this video to learn how:

For more on dealing with Anger, see Step 16 in Confident Man.

What To Do If You "Never Get Angry" is a post from The Confident Man Project

No related posts.

What To Do If You "Never Get Angry" is a post from The Confident Man Project

How to Cut Emotional Ties with Controlling Parents

Graham Stoney — Tue, 01 May 2012 02:56:02 +0000

I recently got the following comment in response to my article on How to Recover from a Controlling Mother, and my reply below covers how to cut emotional ties with controlling parent in more detail. I know a lot of guys struggle with the conflict that happens when we begin to break free from our parents during adolescence, and this can keep us emasculated for years while we continue to seek a controlling parent's approval. It helps to know that the conflict that arises when we individuate is a perfectly normal process; albeit one that controlling parents often over-react to.

Mike writes:

I'm a 20 year old man. I was adopted, my sister wasn't. Yes, I've grown up with a controlling mother. I have always been musically inclined and have had a passion for music. After high school, I wanted to take a year or two off to pursue this and generally dick around with my friends while I was young, and maybe figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I had left high school with scholarships and an 88 average. 3 years later, I'm a third year University student in History (I had to take something in University, forced into choosing a major, she's paying for it) I'm struggling to maintain a 75 in my University courses, I've been experimenting with drugs, and I have no clue with what I want to do. I'm disillusioned with pretty much everything. I have always been extremely emotional and have latched onto relationships (a few that have been unhealthy for me) and have generally been in more relationships than I have been single. My mom has never liked any girl that I have ever been with and constantly scrutinizes every single one that I date. I think she realizes (as I do now) that my relationships were just a constant attempt to rid myself of her or replace her. I have had sex with these girls. My mom hates it (she finds out through lurking my shit). I have no 'morals' or 'values' and she 'brought me up better than this' and won't be happy until I'm chaste till marriage, 'just like she was', so I have been having to lie about where I stay at night when I sleep over with my girlfriend. The problem is, my mother goes to extreme, crazy lengths to find out when I'm 'lying'. If I leave my phone lying around or facebook open, she will lurk undoubtedly all my texts and messages. Last summer I lied about my girlfriend getting fired so I could lie about staying at my friends house instead of going out with her, and my mother called her previous employer to ask if she was still employed in order to 'catch me in the lie'. I told my girlfriend this and she doesn't want anything to do with my crazy mother, which is another contentious issue because my mother wants her to be 'part of the family'; I told my mom that my girlfriend knows about all the crazy shit she's pulled and I get chastised because it's supposed to stay 'within the family', and now constantly wants me to find a girl with 'family values' that I can bring home to her. She says that I don't bring my girlfriend around because she's not the kind of girl I would want to bring home to my parents; rather, my family is the kind of family I would not want to bring my girlfriend home to - there's a difference. I guess this fits in with the shame aspect of your article. Regardless, I moved out this third year but she insisted I come home every weekend and I complied - she wants me to be, 'part of the family'. Well, I have nothing in common with 'the family'. I have been making efforts to go to movies and go out to dinners with them but its painful for me. Yeah I get that she wants me to be successful, but she doesn't realize that she's being controlling. Maybe I'm being ungrateful - she's paying for my education and just wants to see me succeed - but I feel like I'm being controlled and demasculated. This wasn't what I wanted to do with my life, and I wasn't ready for post-secondary education.

I realize I forgot to mention my father. My disagreements with my mother have gotten so extreme that we generally do not go a day without screaming at each other. My father, who used to take my side, does not approve of the way I treat my mother, and in arguments with my sister, who is probably the most sane member in this house, he continuously takes her side. The only real ally I have in this house is my mother. As it stands however, I do take advantage of them. My mother hands me money freely when I could be working more, and my father gives me rides places where I could just as easily take the bus. I would easily give up these perks for a little freedom. I just don't want to have to cut ties with my family in order to gain my independence... I mean, they raised me and I want them to be a part of my life, but at the same time, I don't. I had a huge argument a few months ago about moving out completely - my mother flipped - she said she and my father would never speak to me again and gave me the works. I decided to stay for the summer and move out in september as a compromise, but now I'm rethinking my decision as she's slipping back into old habits - I'm not allowed to stay over at my girlfriend's house on weekends. It's absolutely maddening. She gets called a slut and a whore, as do I. My mother attacks her family and her mother for not having 'morals' and 'values'. I get told that I'm going to be a garbage man for the rest of my life (although an embarrassing position, the salary isn't too bad in Ontario at 20-30 dollars an hour, but definitely not what I'm looking for). I get guilt tripped about every single thing that I do. And I know that I'm talented in music, I could have pursued it and at least had a chance. But I was constantly told I wasn't good enough to make it. I guess I'll never know now. Argh. I just want to scream.

Hey Mike, firstly I have to say that I feel for you; it sounds like a really rough situation for you and it must feel like your whole life is going down the tubes. I can't say I've been in exactly this situation, but I do want to emphasize that what you're going through is normal, and that the problem isn't you. In fact, you sound like a pretty switched on guy who has his head together, but at the moment you're just not in a healthy environment and that's why you're feeling miserable.

Some parents can take a long time to grow up, and controlling parents are the worst offenders. When a boy reaches adolescence and begins to individuate, it's natural for conflict to arise between you and your parents. You want to live your life your way, and they want to maintain control. This is perfectly normal. At the same time that you're wanting your freedom, your parents are going through a grieving process because the boy they once knew is no more. Insightful parents have the self-awareness to recognize that their own inner turmoil isn't about you and make reasonable compromises; controlling parents however get overwhelmed with anxiety which they then project onto you, turning you into a victim of their unresolved emotional baggage. This is one reason it's a great idea to deal with the emotional baggage from your childhood before having kids of your own.

The problem right now is that you're still enmeshed with your parents: emotionally and physically. You can't change your parents, but you can change the nature of the relationship you have with them, and this involves you breaking the childhood emotional ties that you have with them and reestablishing an adult/adult relationships with them. The ambivalence that you feel between wanting them and their controlling ways out of your life, while still wanting contact with them, is perfectly normal. It's all part of the dance we do during adolescence that establishes what sort of relationship we would actually like with our parents as an adult. Again, parents often resist this because the transition is painful for them, and raises a controlling parent's already high level of anxiety about life. They project their stuff onto you and try to control you, because that way they can avoid feeling their own anxiety about life.

The secret is for you to break free of their control by cutting your emotional ties with them, not to stop them trying to control you. The only reason they can exert control over you is that their opinions and actions have an emotional impact on you. As you grow to be your own man, you want to be free to do what is right for you and drop your concern over what your parents think. This is an ongoing process and something I haven't fully mastered yet either, but it does get easier the more you work on it by facing up to what you really want and doing it regardless of what they think or say.

It's hard to cut emotional ties when there are still physical and financial ties. I doubt that the money your mother hands you is really given freely; more likely there are control strings attached. If you have the ability to work and become financially independent of them, I recommend you do it. Moving out to your own place sounds like the right move to make; but don't expect that your parents will necessarily support you. Even if something is right for you, your parents may react against it if it causes them pain, anxiety or shame.

It also sounds as if your parents play each other off against you, or perhaps aren't aligned in their thinking about how to treat you. This will just add to your confusion whenever you're trying to keep them happy. I recommend you stop trying to keep your parents happy. This is a golden opportunity for you to learn that you don't always have to do what other people want or to try to keep them happy. Part of your parents no doubt want you to be happy, but they don't trust you to make the right choices for yourself. This too is normal, though perhaps exaggerated in your situation. The only way your parents will learn to trust your choices is when you start making them for yourself, and stop listening to everything they say about you. Ironically, when you start standing up for yourself and making your own choices despite what they say, they are likely to start treating you with more respect. Controlling parents are like little children who have never grown up: they need to have boundaries set for them, and one boundary is in not taking all their advice on board. You don't have to argue with them when they tell you want to do, you just say "thanks for the advice" and then go do what your heart tells you is right for you.

At 20, it's certainly not too late to change careers. Your adult life is still only just getting started. Here's a general rule: do what you enjoy, and stop doing what you hate. If you love playing music, do it. If you hate what you're currently studying, stop. You can always go back if you change your mind. Don't expect that the right choice for you will always be the easy one, that it will always pan out smoothly, or that it will always be obvious. Life is full of opportunities and choices, and sometime we'll fuck them up and get it wrong. You can't learn how to make good choices until you feel free to make choices for yourself.

Your parent's conservative attitudes to sex are also driven by fear. Be sensible: use protection and don't get anyone pregnant. Parents are naturally squeamish about their adult children's sex lives and although she's crossing the line by prying into yours, you are giving her the opportunity to do so by being there and accepting her hand-outs.

If it's painful hanging out with your family, stop doing it. Contact them when you feel the urge to connect. Stop visiting out of obligation. It sounds as if you're spending a lot of time with your family, and they're taking that for granted. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. The less time you spend with your controlling family, the more appreciative they will be of you when you visit because you want to, not because you have to. Of course they won't like this at first, but giving them some space will also give them the opportunity to grow up a little. What you currently describe is a older-child/younger-child relationship between you and your parents, and the only person who is likely to take determined action to change that to adult/adult is you. Expect this to be a little painful for all of you; but you end up getting the life you want so it's worth it.

I suggest you stop lying to your parents too; not for their sake, but for yours. Lying to them is just a way of avoiding their judgement and controlling influence, but it undermines your integrity and tells you that you have to resort to subterfuge to get what you want. Work on breaking your emotional attachment to what they think of you instead so their influence is lessened. It would be better to tell the truth, and learn to face whatever criticism they level at you. Don't take their criticism personally; it's just a projection of their own subconscious baggage. Obviously you don't have to tell them everything; the more physical distance you have between you, the less they'll find out anyway. You can be selective in what you tell them, but it would be better to say "I don't want to discuss that" or "I don't want to answer that" than to tell them a fib. Put boundaries on what they know about your life and avoid areas where you know they'll criticize, but don't outright lie to them.

Finally, the key to breaking out of being a victim in difficult situations like this is to ask yourself the question most people are afraid to face:

How am I contributing to this situation?

Most people stay victims because they aren't prepared to face the truth about this. You already have some insights into your contribution, like taking money from your mother, doing a Uni course just to try and please them, compromising on what you want, and latching onto unhealthy relationships with women. Look for more. The more ways you can find that you are contributing to this mess, the more opportunities you have to change the situation for the better. When you take full responsibility, you end up with the life that you want instead of you parent's anxiety-based ideas of what is good for you; which as you can see only lead to disillusionment.

It can be tough helping parents grow up, because you're doing the hard work of three people instead of just one. But it's worth it in the long run. Remember that you can't change them, but you can change the way you respond to them so you're not under their thumb any more. In the process, you get to grow up. If I can help out more, please leave a comment. And if any other readers have suggestions for Mike, please comment.

How to Cut Emotional Ties with Controlling Parents is a post from The Confident Man Project

The Best Tips for Approaching, Meeting and Relating to Women

Graham Stoney — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 01:58:11 +0000

Welcome to the April 29, 2012 edition of the confident man carnival, bringing you the best tips for approaching, meeting and relating to women from across the net.

David Leonhardt presents What A Girl’s Makeup Says About How To Approach Her In A Bar posted at Barwhiz Blog, saying, "A girl tries to make it easy of us guys to let us know how to, or even if we should, approach her at a club. From the clothes she wears, to her hairstyle, and even her make-up, girls are always giving us guy’s subtle little clues if they are interested in us or not. Here is your guide to reading her makeup."

Zac Sky presents Building Self Confidence - Daily Comfort Challenges posted at Zac Sky . com.

confidence

Chris presents How To Face Your Social Fears (Gradually) posted at How To Do Better In Loud, Crazy Group Conversations, saying, "A pretty detailed look at the principles of how to face your social fears - could be applied to meeting people, approaching women, etc."

women

wizard presents How Can a Geek Get LAID posted at Wizard Corpse, saying, "If you're a geek is it hopeless? NO! Learn Game and read this!"

Mary Edwards presents 10 Ways to Win Every Argument with Your Girlfriend posted at Best Dating Sites, saying, "You’re probably wondering if it’s actually possible to win every argument. And the answer is… maybe. Then again, maybe not; it really all depends on how you handle things."

Bastiaan Reinink presents Getting a long term relationship posted at Improving the World.

wizard presents Do you need any reason to be confident? posted at wizard corpse, saying, "It's all about confidence and what is the fuss that you cannot be confident for no reason? We will explore that topic logically and see what we will get"

wizard presents What can most men learn from Oskar Schindler posted at wizard corpse, saying, "learn the best gestures from one of the most influential men in history"

Chase Amante presents How to Be a Dominant Man posted at Chase Amante, saying, "Learn the science behind the fascinating 'Winner Effect' and why being dominant isn't just important for your love life and success with women and dating - it's important for your life, period."

Jon Rhodes presents How to Spot a Liar posted at HypnoBusters, saying, "Learn the signs to tell you that someone is lying."

Mary Edwards presents 10 Reasons a Man Should Lie to His Girlfriend posted at Best Dating Sites, saying, "Dishonesty isn’t an admirable trait, and the health of any relationship depends on honest and open communication. Trust is an essential factor as well, yet there are times when a little white lie here and there might be less damaging than telling your partner what you really think."

Roxanne McAnn presents 8 Ways to Get Your Girlfriend into March Madness posted at The Best Colleges.

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of the confident man carnival using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

The Best Tips for Approaching, Meeting and Relating to Women is a post from The Confident Man Project

How to Meet More Women

Graham Stoney — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 00:00:58 +0000

Do you ever wish that meeting beautiful women was as simple as walking up to them and saying: “Hi, what's your name?” Well according to Jack D. Serrano from Date Masters, it is.

In the interview below you'll learn that the key to meeting women is to take action and approach them. Stop trying to persuade women to like you and simply start looking for the women who already like you and have a natural chemistry with you. Most men fall into the trap of trying to persuade women to like them, and a lot of dating advice is based around this concept that leads to fear, frustration and a lack of confidence.

The antidote to approach anxiety is to simply ask yourself the question “Does she like me or not?” rather than trying to persuade her to like you. Forget about trying to “build attraction”, showing value or trying to make women like you. There are a lot of girls out there who will already like you; all you have to do is go out and find them. Conventional pick-up advice turns you into a persuader who messes up the natural chemistry that is already there between you and the women who like you for who you are. It's counter-productive, awkward and causes anxiety when we try to persuade women to like us.

The recurring theme is: It's not your job to persuade women to like you.

Be able to accept “No” for an answer. You develop this skill by talking to lots of women. All you want to know when approaching a woman is “Is she open to a conversation?”

There are already girls out there who like you, but it can be difficult to believe this before we've experienced it. The key to developing this mindset is to take action: go out and start approaching each and every woman that you find attractive. Aim for 30 a day. Start building the core ability to approach more and more women so you don't have to pretend any more. Confidence comes from experience.

Approach women with a simple: “Hi, what's your name?”

If she ignores us or doesn't seem interested, that's good; we've discovered quickly that she's not interested so just move on to the next woman. There are so many women out there who will talk to us that it's not worth trying to convince her to talk to us. Focus on finding girls you share chemistry with, rather than trying to create it when it doesn't exist.

Drop the persuasion mindset and just keep asking “Does she like me or not?” Every encounter becomes a success. If she wants to talk to us, great. If she doesn't, that's fine too because we've successfully identified whether she likes us or not. This removes a lot of the anxiety guys have about approaching women.

Our bullshit excuses often get in the way of taking action to approach women we're attracted to when we see them. Excuses sound rational at first, but really they just get in the way. Dissolving these excuses allow you to take action even though you are making excuses. Over time, the excuses stop coming up so strongly.

The percentage of girls who like you remains fairly constant regardless of how attractive they are. No matter how hot the girls are, some will like you and some will not. So you might as well just approach the women you find attractive. All you need to do is find out whether she's interested in you or not. Don't try to get something from her and don't keep talking to women who clearly aren't interested in you.

Beautiful, high quality women who already like you respond amazingly well when you're up-front with them and don't try to make them like you. You're not responsible for making a girl feel a certain way. This gives you the mental space necessary to dissolve your excuses and start approaching women. You can't control other people; you're only in control of your own actions. Just present yourself well, aim to make her laugh and find out if she likes you. If you routinely avoid approaching attractive women, check out the excuse dissolving tools in The Revolution.

It's not about feeling confident or getting into any particular mental state. Success comes from taking action to find the women who naturally have chemistry with you. Every time you have a setback, bounce back. The key to taking action is committing yourself to taking action to approach 30 women each day.

When you have so many women in your life that you have to let some go in order to meet more, the quality becomes incredible. You only have time for high quality women who already really like you.

Work on developing your ability to make a woman laugh. Improv classes are a great way to do this. See what works and what doesn't. Always remember, you're not trying to persuade her to like you.

Listen to the full interview here:

/freebies/HowToMeetMoreWomen.mp3

You can download the interview by clicking here.

The resources mentioned in this interview are:

Date-Masters.com
Meet More Women e-book (get it for free by clicking here)
The Revolution online course

How to Meet More Women is a post from The Confident Man Project

TantricBlossoming's Being Man Retreat

Graham Stoney — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 23:44:53 +0000

I turned up to the Tantric Blossoming Being Man retreat with a sense of excitement about experiencing more of this “Tantra” thing that I'd heard about in my interview with Tantric Practitioner David Anderson. It was clear to me that Tantra had to be experienced rather than merely talked or read about, and I felt ready to dive in. From what I knew about David and his co-leader Martina Hughes, I figured there would be some great experiences in store.

At the same time, I also felt tremendously relieved just to be able to take some time out from my not-so-normal life. The panic attacks that I had experienced only a couple of weeks before were still very fresh in my memory; they had seriously undermined my confidence and the lingering fear of their possible return weighed heavily on my mind. Being overwhelmed by fear and anxiety seemed the antithesis of where I was trying to head in my life, and I wasn't happy about it. Confident Man, my ass; the previous few weeks had felt more like panicky, fearful little boy to me.

By comparison with the panic attacks, my usual thoughts on meeting a new group of people faded into insignificance: “Would I fit in?”, “Would I get on with them?”, “Would they like me?” barely even crossed my mind... which is unusual for me, especially with a group of men. My all-boys high school experience left me with a long-lasting lack of trust and even a fear of other men that often comes out at times like this. But this time, I was just glad to be there without feeling overwhelmed by fear.

From what I'd learned so far, Tantra is all about connection. Initially connection to my own heart: my emotions, my longings, my desires and my truth; and then through this, deep connection to other people. In a group primarily of men this felt a little odd given that Tantra is also about sex, and for me sex happens with women, not men. There were women there to serve us in various ways on the weekend, but I was pretty sure I wouldn't be having sex with them; I didn't think that was quite the idea of this retreat. Not that I would have said no if it was, given the intensity of my sex drive and it's recent lack of fulfillment. These were some of the issues I was here to address.

Learning to trust other people and let go of control is a big part of my journey, and turning up to this retreat without knowing exactly what was in store is part of that. David and Martina seemed like decent people, but would they and their support team really be there for me when the going got tough? I guess I would just have to trust that they would until proven otherwise, and I'm glad to say they did. I felt supported and heard, and that was big for me. I wouldn't want to tell you everything that we did on the retreat partly because it would ruin the sense of surprise and the trust element for you; but also there was just so many experiences that I can't even pretend to remember it all. They sure packed a lot into just a few days, and every single activity hit home with me as being really valuable. At times I felt exhausted and just wanted to go to bed, or even to go home; but I'm tremendously glad I stayed.

Over the course of the 3 ½ day retreat came countless opportunities to connect with my masculine life force and sexual energy. I haven't been a big fan of all this “energy” talk that I hear a lot about nowadays, given my engineering background: it seems so intangible and difficult to quantify. Part of the process for me is letting go of my head judgments so that I can shift my attention from the thoughts in my head that dominate my life, to simply being present so that I can experience life and interact with other people on a deeper level. This is a common theme in all the personal work I've been doing lately, and Tantra seems a logical next step to lose some of the shame around my masculine and sexual energy. I can't think of a better word than “energy” to describe what Tantra teaches about these basic drives and the emotions involved that I've spent much of my life suppressing and am now eager to unlock.

There were plenty of challenges to face along the way. The emotions that came up felt intense at times, but dealing with powerful feelings in a safe environment is the fast track to self-confidence. I took every opportunity I could to reveal what was really going on for me and drop the bullshit story I often use to protect myself from feeling emotionally vulnerable around other people. At one point during a discussion about approaching women, I confessed to feeling despondent about the whole idea of approaching attractive women because the fear I often felt around women I was really attracted to seemed overwhelming and I was still struggling with this issue despite years of hard personal work on building my self-confidence.

It turned out other guys were struggling with the very same thing, some even more than me. Panic and anxiety were ruling our lives, and the only antidote was to let the overwhelming feelings out and acknowledge how we felt, rather than bottling them up inside and pretending that we weren't shit-scared in situations like these. One of the most profound moments for me was right near the end of the retreat when I sat and eye-gazed with one of the other guys who was still struggling with inner anxiety from his experience in the Vietnam war many years before; I saw the fear in his eyes lessen and his breathing relax and we gazed into each other's souls and breathed out our anxiety without the need to even speak.

In another exercise I felt the full force of the rage and anger I was still carrying towards my mother, and had the chance to let it fly. For once I actually felt heard in my anger and didn't hold back. On the one hand it was the culmination of many years hard work at un-repressing this toxic load of rage from my psyche, but it was only possible because of the safe space created at the retreat to allow me to go there without being judged. Instead, I got congratulated and other guys said they wished they'd been able to verbalize their anger as effectively.

Every time I drop the bullshit and share what's really been going on for me, I find it resonates with other people. I spend a lot of my time working on The Confident Man Project of my own life, trying to construct an authentic feeling of confidence in the world; yet it's when I'm most vulnerable that other people get to see the real me. The feedback I got from the women on the retreat was difficult to hear at first, but towards the end as I got more in touch with my masculine energy, I started to hear that my energy wasn't collapsing when I was feeling unpleasant emotions; and this was really big for me. I tend to go into wounded-child mode a lot when overwhelming feelings hit me, and it was great to see me being more able to be present regardless of how I'm feeling. It felt like I was starting to walk my talk more, and really get in touch with the confident man that has often been hiding behind my boyish hurts and failures.

It's all very well to go away on retreat and have some amazing experience, but for me the proof is in the pudding of how it affects me when I return back to the real world. My first day back didn't go so well; I felt overwhelmed with exhaustion and got quite depressed. I reminded myself that it was probably just the normal post-retreat blues; but rather than suffer in silence, I rang a female friend of mine and shared how I felt with her. I reached out; something I'm often reluctant to do. She appreciated my honesty and we connected on a deeper level than we had before. The next day, I felt much more positive again.

Since returning from Being Man, several people have commented that I seem more grounded, more present, and that they felt more connected to me. Women are smiling at me in the streets. When they don't, I don't care so much. I'm going to call that cute girl who turned up to participate in the exercises on the final day, to get together with her and do some more eye gazing. I feel more focused and determined not to give up on myself. While I know there's more work to be done in my Tantric journey, I sense that it'll be fun rather than hard work and overwhelming.

I avoided studying Tantra for a long time because of the shame I feel around sex and open sexual expression. Maybe that was a mistake, or perhaps I just wasn't ready to dive in without being overwhelmed. Either way, I'm excited about learning and experiencing more of this deep connection to my inner strength, and through it to other people. I'm especially keen to try some mixed-gender Tantric events and see what happens with women there. I really had a great experience at Being Man, and if you get the chance to attend, I highly recommend it. Tantric Blossoming also run other events in Australia which are worth a look, and David and Martina do Skype sessions if you want some one-on-one Tantric experiences without having to wait for the next retreat. If you'd like to find out more, contact them via their website at www.tantricblossoming.com.

TantricBlossoming's Being Man Retreat is a post from The Confident Man Project

Always Have Something To Say When Talking To Women

Graham Stoney — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 00:03:00 +0000

Ever worry that you're going to run out of things to say when talking to a woman? It seems like the more attractive the women, the more fearful I get of that awkward silence when I don't know what to say. One solution is to learn a bunch of canned routines and prefabricated stories that we can punch out to avoid the awkwardness; but using other guy's stuff grates on me and somehow I never get around to polishing my own stories for use in social situations. I'd rather be spontaneous and live in-the-moment, responding to the flow of conversation rather than trying to control and manipulate it all the time. If only there were a way to learn how to do that...

Well it turns out there is!

Over the last few months I've fallen in love with Theatrical Improvisation, also known as Improv. This is the technique that comedians and actors use to be spontaneous on shows like Whose Line Is It Anyway, and the results are often hilarious. Lately I've been doing every Improv class and workshop I can get to. The rules of Improv really appeal to me because they're all about freeing yourself from your own constraints and letting your natural creativity flow spontaneously. Some of the basic principles of Improv also turn out to be basic ingredients for success in life and are particularly useful when talking to women. For example:

Go with the flow rather than against it.
Always accept what other people say about you as the truth.
Never get defensive. Be playful instead.
There is no right or wrong; just learning experiences.
There is no such thing as failure.
Don't take everything so seriously.
Everything is just an experiment.
Put your attention on the other person.
Listen to what she says rather than thinking about what you'll say next.
Reply with “Yes, and ...” to move the conversation forward.
The woman will give you all the clues you need.
Don't try to be clever.
Be curious. “Isn't it interesting that...”.
Learn to find the interesting side of everyday items and concepts.
Always stay present and in-the-moment.
If you get stuck, talk about things in your environment.
Acknowledge what's really going on. Honesty breaks tension.
Take risks. Break rules. Be silly.

If only there was a course in using Improv while talking to women.

Well it turns out there is!

Legendary crazy man pickup artist Vince Kelvin has a background in the performing arts and used to teach Improv classes for a living. I've just been checking out his Improvisation For Pickup And Seduction Practice CDs, and highly recommend you grab a copy if you worry about losing the plot while talking to attractive women. The first two CDs cover the basics of applying improvisation principles to your conversations, while the third CD gives a series of drill exercises that you can practice to fine-tune your improvising skills. It's something you'll want to listen to over and over as your become more confident at improvising in conversations. Get it now from Kings Of Pickup.

Always Have Something To Say When Talking To Women is a post from The Confident Man Project

How to Connect With Your Inner Warrior

Graham Stoney — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 00:29:28 +0000

Regardless of how you currently feel about yourself and your confidence as a man, all of us have an inner warrior with genuine self-esteem, inner strength, a sense of purpose, a mission in life, and the self-confidence necessary to go after what we really want. The question is how to get in touch with your inner warrior? The answer is to go on a heroic journey of initiation, self-discovery and growth towards your authentic self.

We can't undertake this journey alone, so I recently spoke to Boysen Hodgson from The ManKind Project to find out more about what that organization offers men seeking more confidence, clarity and direction in their lives. Here are some of the lessons from this interview:

To connect with the warrior within, we need to go on a heroic quest of adventure. It's normal to resist the call to adventure initially due to our fear of being seen for who we really are, but the challenge is necessary to discover the resources within us that we aren't currently aware of.

We decide during childhood who we need to be in order to be accepted, and then get stuck in that childhood decision as an adult long after it has been useful to us. Connections with other men are essential to break us out of this restricted childish view of who we are so we can take our place as a man in our society.

Relationships with women are not the appropriate place to get all our emotional needs met; we also need meaningful relationships with men. Often we feel like a fraud and a phoney, and seek affirmation from women instead of being really open with other men. Our fear and shame keeps us stuck, often in a powerless or passive-aggressive “nice guy” mode. The way out is to connect with other men and expose the areas of our life that we feel ashamed of. Men's groups are an ideal place to do this. Once we start exposing our shame in a supportive environment we learn to take more risks in life generally, allowing us greater freedom and potential for fulfillment.

All us have a shadow side which we hide, suppress and deny lurking in our subconscious. Freeing ourselves from the restrictive effects and the unpleasant emotions deep in our shadow involves delving deep into our psyche and shining a light onto the parts of ourselves that we normally hide from others. Once we take the journey, we discover that we have far more potential for both positive and negative than we ever thought possible. Part of this is letting go of control and submitting to a process of initiation where we learn to deal with our fears and to trust other men.

Our shadow is hidden from our conscious mind, so we need other men to act as mirrors to us in order to see the impact of our shadow on our lives and learn what to do to address it. Other men reflect our behaviors and choices to us and we need them to call us on it. Our shadow has its own ideas about what our mission and purpose are, so exposing it also helps us get clarity on our true mission in life.

Confidence is the ability to be relaxed and at ease with yourself in the world. Shame is the antithesis of confidence. We can overcome shame by noticing when it hits us and choosing to take care of ourselves, rather than medicating the pain away with cigarettes, alcohol, drugs or other means of distraction. When we start acting as-if we are a man who deserves to be looked after, we start feeling more deserving. Sharing our shadow and our goals around it with other men gives us support to deal with what is happening in our lives with honesty instead of denial.

Doing this work with men leads to more honest, emotionally supportive relationships with women. Without this, our relationships with women reflect the unresolved issues in our relationship with our mother. You don't want to process your unresolved mother issues in your primary relationships with women, but this is what inevitably happens if we don't consciously do the work elsewhere.

Luke Skywalker in Star Wars is a stereotypical character who takes the hero's journey necessary to grow from a boy into his full potential as a man. The New Warrior Training Adventure offers a modern initiation for men to wake you out of the sleepwalk of only feeling partly alive. Participating in regular men's groups continues practicing the work to consolidate the growth in your life. Accountability to other men helps us get through the times when we don't feel like doing the work, so we can ultimately reap the full rewards in our lives.

The way to overcome the fear that stops us crossing the threshold towards adventure that leads us to what we really want in life, is to focus on the amazing future that we will experience as a result of taking this risk rather than to focus on the fear that keep us stuck. If you don't know what you really want in the future, given any two options always take the one that scares you more. It generally leads to the greater reward.

Listen to the full interview here:

/freebies/HowToConnectWithYourInnerWarrior.mp3

You can download the interview by clicking here.

The resources mentioned in this interview are:

How to Connect With Your Inner Warrior is a post from The Confident Man Project

No related posts.

How to Connect With Your Inner Warrior is a post from The Confident Man Project

How to Impress Women When You Have Anxiety

Ryan Rivera — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 00:03:18 +0000

Attraction is as much genetic as it is societal, and women are genetically programmed to be attracted to different things than men. While things like physical attractiveness and humor certainly play a role, one of the primary drivers of female attraction is confidence. Women like a man that believes in himself – a man that knows he's good enough, and one that appears to be able to take on the world.

Of course, if you're living with anxiety that becomes much more difficult. I suffered from anxiety for years, and that anxiety absolutely affected my ability to speak with women. It wasn't until later in life I discovered what I was doing wrong, and took steps to increase my confidence when talking with the opposite sex.

My personal believe, however, is that if you suffer from serious anxiety you should seek some type of treatment. There's nothing manly about allowing your mental health get the better of you, and when anxiety is taking over your life, you should be willing to seek outside help to contain it. But if you're simply looking to become less anxious around women, consider the following:

Strike Out On Purpose – Rejection is the primary source of anxiety among men, and one of the main reasons men have trouble acting confident. I realized that when I felt rejected I took it extremely personal, as though I should have been able to win her over in that brief conversation. It wasn't until later in life I realized that even the most confident, pick up artist males get rejected something like 80% of the time. They simply got used to the idea of being rejected. So I started going up to women specifically to be rejected, so I got used to the emotion and found it less fearful. Sometimes I would even screw up a conversation on purpose just so I knew what it would feel like if I ever screwed it up by accident.
Meet Women for Friendships – I put a lot of pressure on myself trying to meet women to date, and it was holding me back. Instead, I changed my goal. I decided to meet women for the sole purpose of being friends, no matter how attractive they were. The more women I surrounded myself with, the less intimidated I felt. Besides, many of these women had attractive female friends, so it wasn't as though the pool of available women was shrinking with each friendship I made. On the contrary, it was growing.
Never Focus on One Woman – One of the things I realized was that whenever things were going well with someone and she seemed interested in me, there was an inverse relationship between my interest and hers. The more interested I became in her, the less interested she became in me. It was strange, until I realized that once I starting liking her "too much," I began to show signs of weakness, trying too hard to get her to like me instead of acting like a confident male that could get anyone. That's when I realized that until I am in a relationship with someone, I should keep myself out there, because focusing too much on one person often changed my behaviors and made me less confident overall.

I struggled for years with anxiety, and certainly getting help for my own anxiety symptoms made a big difference. But these were some quick tips I realized would help me with women, and over time my comfort and confidence level around them increased dramatically.

How to Impress Women When You Have Anxiety is a post from The Confident Man Project

Do You Avoid Love For Fear Of Getting Hurt?

Graham Stoney — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 23:21:08 +0000

Everything we do is motivated by one of two things: seeking pleasure or avoiding pain. It's not entirely black and white since sometimes it's a mix of both, but usually one or the other is the dominant factor. Some of us tend to be more motivated by pleasure and others more motivated by pain.

Our actions are always motivated by how we expect to feel, and this basically comes down to pleasure versus pain. Yet the two go hand-in-hand: many of the most pleasurable experiences in life involve the risk of pain.

Another way of looking at this is love versus fear. We're either acting out of love, or we're acting out of fear. Perhaps it's a combination of the two. Often we're not even aware of the underlying motivation but if we look closely we can see that it's usually one or the other.

Acting out of love means being vulnerable and since this exposes us to the risk of painful rejection we often don't want to risk it. It seems easier and feels safer to be defensive and act out of fear. But when we do this we miss out on loving and being loved. Our willingness to risk being vulnerable determines how much love we get. Similarly with pleasure and pain, our ability to experience pleasure is directly related to the confidence we have in our ability to experience pain.

I was recently chatting with a friend of mine who was struggling with being loving and vulnerable, although he didn't quite see this at first. Let's call him Jim. The conversation went something like this:

Jim: I have a problem with Gratitude that is really troubling me and no one seems to be able to solve.

Me: what's the problem?

Jim: its a conundrum that few people seems to have.
the more grateful I am for people in my life that I love the more fearful I become of loosing them.
to me gratitude=fear and vulnerability
gratitude is love and the more love the more the fear of loss of love

Me: yes. I can relate. to truly love is to be vulnerable.
do you avoid loving others for fear of losing them?

Jim: YES YES YES
that is a big part of my problem
you hit the nail on the head
you're amazing

Me: sheesh... thanks.

Jim: what can I do ?

Me: sounds like you're afraid of being hurt
you think you won't cope if you lose someone you love
stop telling yourself that it's a disaster to get hurt

Jim: you are just hitting home runs
you got it in a nutshell

Me: thanks

Jim: why do I think that?
or feel it so strongly?
Maybe I have a trauma because that actually happened to me before

Me: Essentially, yes. At some point in the past you probably had experiences where emotions overwhelmed you, so you freaked out. You became afraid of your own feelings.
It's ok to feel hurt when you lose something important to you.

Jim: So what do I do now?
What is the road to healing ?

Me: Everything we do is either motivated by love, or fear. So in any situation, ask yourself what you would do if you were motivated by love, and what you would do if motivated by fear. Pick the love option as often as you can.
You just need more experience being vulnerable, so you can learn that it's OK.

Jim: I want to act on your suggestions
I think they are excellent

Me: Great!

Jim: I am in touch with my feelings more than you know.

Me: Yeah, but perhaps you could share them more with people you care about.

Jim: People I care about don't want to know my feelings - it frightens them

Me: Find people who do

Jim: You are right

Acting out of fear means that we miss out on love. Often we've been conditioned to avoid being vulnerable with the very people who are closest to us, because we've been hurt in the past. I know I have. The more vulnerable we've prepared to be, the more love we get to experience. Being vulnerable takes courage and builds confidence. We're at our most vulnerable when we share our deepest feelings. If you can't share your deepest feelings with the people around you, have a look at what's really going on.

When it comes to love versus fear, try choosing love more often.

Perhaps Jim is wrong about the people he cares about; I suspect they're just waiting for him to share his true self with them. Or maybe he's right and they're too closed so he needs to find other people who he can be real with first. Either way, living from fear means closing ourselves off to love; and that's no way to live.

So what about you. Do you avoid love for fear of getting hurt?

Do You Avoid Love For Fear Of Getting Hurt? is a post from The Confident Man Project

No related posts.

Do You Avoid Love For Fear Of Getting Hurt? is a post from The Confident Man Project

8 Things Women Wish Men Knew

Daniela Baker — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 22:59:36 +0000

Communication between the sexes. It's always been difficult, and even as the workplace and the world in general open up more and more to women, we all still know that men and women are a little different. We think differently, speak differently, and expect different things. But when we share these differences, we can dramatically improve communication and relationships.

Guys, whether you're married with kids, a newlywed, or just looking for love at the moment, read this list of eight things most women wish you knew, and remind yourself of them often. If a man can get these eight things right, he'll definitely notice a difference in his relationship with just about any woman.

1. You don't have to fix all our problems.

Whether it's because of nature or socialization, women tend to be more relationship and feeling oriented creatures than men. While men like to solve problems with concrete solutions, women need to talk things out and be understood. Numerous studies have confirmed this, including one recent study through the Harvard School of Medicine. This study showed, that women and men were happier in their marriages when both partners made an effort to understand the feelings of the other partner. Of course, the study showed that this affected women more, and that women particularly needed their husband's to understand their negative emotions.

So, when we come to you with a problem, don't immediately give us a solution. Let us talk it out. Try to understand all the emotions that we're feeling, and listen well. Then, and only then, can you possibly offer us a solution – and only if you have a really, really good idea.

2. Being nice counts.

While the image of the good girl falling for the bad boy is often seen in Western culture, for most women, falling in love with the bad boys is just a phase. In fact, it's a phase that many women never go through at all. In reality, we like nice guys. Men who are nice to their mothers (without being mama's boys, please.), kind to their dogs, and even generous when leaving tips at a restaurant are attractive because these men are more likely to be nice to us in a relationship.

3. When it comes to all things sexual, it's okay to ask.

Way too many guys get their idea of what counts as good sex from pornography, which is created to look good – not necessarily portray reality. It's definitely true that you can't believe everything you see on television (or the internet, as the case may be). If you have questions about what to do, what works, or how to do something in the bedroom, just ask. We don't expect you to know exactly what turns us on every time, and asking about it shows us that you really want to please us, too.

After you ask, though, make sure you actually listen. Women's bodies are way more complicated than men's, so what works for one woman could be completely off base for another. Heck, what feels amazing one day may be simply annoying the next for the exact same woman.

4. It's okay for you to take charge.

While the modern woman is typically pretty independent and go-get-'em, it's still okay for you to take charge once in a while. That doesn't mean you need to order our meal for us on the first date, but it does mean that most women like a man with a plan. That could mean that you have a plan for what to do on our first date, that you plan the honeymoon all on your own, or even that we create a five-year plan together.

Women like it when men know how to take charge of their own lives. So if you're single and looking for a girlfriend, showing the women you're interested in that you have a job and a direction in your life before you meet your match, could help you get those dates rolling in.

5. Your words are important.

Most guys know this on some level, but they tend to forget it during everyday interactions. As women, we need to hear you saying affirming words over and over and over again. If you love a woman, then tell her so. (But don't use "I love you" as doublespeak for "I want to sleep with you." That just makes you a sleazebag.) Tell us when you think we look beautiful or when you appreciate a meal we cooked or when you noticed we got a haircut. It's really not that difficult.

6. But sometimes actions speak louder than words.

On the flip side of the coin, though, don't take advantage of the fact that words have so much power for women. A guy who consistently tells his girlfriend he loves her even while cheating, failing to meet her basic needs, or just generally being a jerk is going to land himself on the curb pretty quickly.

If you say that you love a woman, then act like it. If you tell her you're going to do something, then do it. Following through on your words with actions that match up to what you're saying is one of the best ways to attract and keep a great woman.

7. It doesn't count as "babysitting" or "doing a favor" when they're your own children.

If you've got kids, remember this: they are your children too, even though you didn't have to go through the entire pregnancy. Actually, the fact that you get out of the whole pregnancy bit should make you bend over backwards to help your significant other during that long nine months and the tiring few months afterwards.

Too many guys these days are stuck in an old paradigm where the women took care of the children, and the men went to work all day. This is simply not how things work in most modern families, since two-income families are more common now than ever before. But even if your wife does stay at home with the kids, they aren't just her responsibility, and you aren't doing her a favor by watching them so she can go to yoga class one night a week. It's called being a parent.

8. Handling money well is more important than making a lot of it.

A recent study cited on CBSNews.com showed that after about three years of a marriage or committed relationship, many people start to get frustrated with relatively small matters that didn't seem to matter in the beginning. One of the leading causes of frustrations like these is money and over-spending. Most women don't really care if you make six figures. If we want to live the high life, we can go develop our own careers, thank you very much. But being responsible with the money you do make (and, by extension, the money we bring in if we have joint accounts) is huge.

Living on a reasonable budget and staying away from massive debt lets us know that you're responsible in other areas of life, as well, and that you care about the future rather than just the moment. Guys who look at credit card reviews carefully instead of signing up for every card they're offered, who control their spending, and who practice a little delayed gratification so they can be more financially secure are simply attractive for most women.

While these eight things are certainly not the only things women wish more men knew, they are some of the most important. If you, as a man, can make your words and actions show that you get these eight things and that they're important to you, too, it will make a world of difference in your dating prospects and/or long-term relationship.

8 Things Women Wish Men Knew is a post from The Confident Man Project